


Finding a Future

by E_DM



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Accidents, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Forced Prostitution, Homelessness, Imprisonment, Incest, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Oral Sex, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Prostitution, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Oral Sex, Sexual Slavery, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, University, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:28:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 61,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24344293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E_DM/pseuds/E_DM
Summary: Used and abused as a child, Jamie is made to pay off his father's debts until a fire gives him freedom.  But the freedom he gains isn't easy and life seems to get worse until two good samaritans step in and make him an offer that allows him to find his future.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 112





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please take note of the tags, as this is not an easy read, especially for the first couple of chapters.

The first he heard was the sound of sirens getting closer. Since he’d lived right in the city centre, he’d gotten used to hearing sirens rattle past, but these were not going past, they were getting closer & there seemed to be a lot of them. 

He pulled his stiff body upright & walked round the end of the bed to try & get close to the window. The curtains were closed & the chain round his ankle stopped him just short of the window. He tried to lean closer, tried to work out what was going on as the blue lights from the emergency vehicles lit up the room, but he couldn’t reach to open the curtains, the length of chain too carefully measured. 

He sighed & returned to sit gingerly at the bottom of his bed. Despite how tired he was, he couldn’t sleep as usual. He’d had a lot of clients that night & he felt it. His throat was raw, his body hurt to move & he’d bled again. The last couple of clients hadn’t been gentle on him. 

The sirens didn’t stop & the room was lit up by more lights. He could hear voices too, but he couldn’t do anything about it, chained to the bed as he was. 

He returned to his nest of blankets under the bed, where he tried to sleep. Squeezing himself into the small space where he felt slightly safer, he curled into the foetal position, wincing at the pain inside of him & shut his eyes. 

He must have drifted off, as he woke up coughing & the room seemed like a fog had descended. It took him several moments to establish that it was actually smoke that filled the room. He was coughing too, though he hadn’t realised he was until his already sore throat felt like it was being cut as the smoke took hold. 

He heard noise & he tried to distinguish the sounds. People shouting, some were screaming & then there was another noise, one that he couldn’t place. He looked at the white smoke that was coming in under his bedroom door & he knew he should have been scared. But he wasn’t. He realised now the building was on fire. And he wasn’t going to get out. 

He felt a strange calm settle over him. It was going to be over soon.

He climbed out from under the bed & stood, trying to think about how he felt. He couldn’t go anywhere, couldn’t do anything. No one would hear his shouts or screams. He knew that from bitter experience of how long he’d been kept here. How long was it now? He wasn’t entirely sure, but he thought it was near on 17 months. He hadn’t been beyond the living room & kitchen since. Isolated up on the top floor, in so many ways it was worse than being at his parent’s house. 

He sank slowly onto the bed & he turned to look at the cameras that watched him 24/7. He sat there staring at the camera for a few minutes, wondering if someone was watching his last minutes on the other end, or whether it was simply recording them. He looked away, then lay back on the mattress. He didn’t cry & he tried not to think as he waited for the smoke to suffocate him.

~ \- ~

Firemen were systematically searching the block. The fire had taken hold in the roof at the end of the block & was spreading quickly with the smoke spreading like cancerous cells through the rest of the building. The other residents had to be gotten out for their own safety & they were systematically searching the flats, breaking into & those that got no answer just in case. 

Two of them hammered on the door of number 32. No answer. They hammered again & got no answer, so taking the axe, the larger of the two firemen started on the front door. Jolted out of his foggy slumber, Jamie sat up at the noise. He heard voices as the front door of the flat splintered & the firemen stepped in calling. 

They searched the flat, finally reaching the room Jamie was in. The smoke was thicker & the firemen in their breathing apparatus only had another 10minutes of oxygen left. Pushing open the bedroom door, the two men were startled to see a mostly naked young man sitting on the bed, a wracking cough shaking his frame. 

The motioned for him to stand up & follow them, but he shook his head. The largest fire officer stepped into the room walking towards him & noted how the guy seemed to shrink back from him. He was only dressed in the tiniest pair of underpants & it was then that he noticed the chain around the guy’s ankle. The officer knelt down & pulled at the chain where it was attached to a bolt in the floor, noticing cigarette burns on the soles of his feet. There was no way it could come unlocked. The officer stood & moved towards the young man who had sunk down on to the bed again, another coughing fit making his thin body shake. 

The officer looked at the man’s ankle & inspected where it was attached. They needed the key. He lifted his mask & looked at the young man. “Where’s the key?” The officer asked. The young man looked frightened & even younger, shrugged.

“I don’t know. I don’t have it…” He managed to get out, voice thin & hoarse, before he started coughing again. 

A feeling of panic went through the fireman. He’d never had to leave someone before & from the looks of him, the guy didn’t have much longer before the smoke took him. He took off his mask & placed it over the young guy’s face. 

“Breathe.” He said, then turning to his colleague he shouted. “We need bolt cutters. Go & get some.” The other officer hesitated. “Go. We can’t leave him.” The officer nodded & left at a run. 

Looking around the room, the fireman moved towards the window, but on getting there, found it locked & with bars across it so that it couldn’t be opened. He frowned. The place was like a prison. He glanced around & saw another door. He opened it on to a small en-suite. Taking a towel he ran it under the tap & then wound it around his face. He had to get himself & the young man out of there. 

More smoke was pouring in & there was nowhere for it to go. He turned back into the room & looked around for clues as to what the hell was going on in there. He noted a basket full of condoms, tubes of lube & a load of different sex toys. At the head of the bed were various cuffs & restraints. The fireman shuddered & looked back at the practically naked man who sat very still on the end of the bed watching him with wary eyes. He needed to get the guy out of there. Whatever was going on in the room couldn’t be good. He looked at the young man & said “I’ll be back, don’t worry.” Then he raced out the room to where he hoped his axe still stood by the splintered door frame. Grabbing it, he had to try. He rushed back into the bedroom & the man flinched back at his sudden appearance. “Can you stand?” The guy nodded. “OK, I want to try & break the chain… Stretch it out & make it as taut as you can. I’m going to use the axe on it. It might work.” 

Jamie stood & moved slowly towards the bedroom door his body feeling drained of energy, stretching the chain out taut. He watched the fireman raise the axe & bring it down. He felt the force ricochet through the chain towards the metal cuff on his ankle & it made him stumble. He winced, but steadied himself & held still. The axe was brought down again & again, five times in total before the chain snapped. 

“Thank fuck for that.” The fireman said. “Let’s go.” 

Jamie stood still. He couldn’t leave the flat. Could he? The fireman saw the fear flash across the young man’s face. He was scared, scared of leaving, scared of whoever had him kept here. 

Not giving him a choice, he walked towards him & picked him up, throwing him over his shoulder as he left the flat at speed.

The cold hit him as they charged down the stairs, his head flopping against the fireman’s back as he was held lightly in position, secure enough not to fall, but not to stop his body from flapping at the movement. He was still coughing, but the oxygen mask had helped. He tried to notice his surroundings, but it was over-whelming. To be out of there, free. 

He held the chain that was still attached to his ankle in his hand to stop it trailing. He wondered what it would be like to have the cuff off after so long. Sometimes it was removed so the skin could be looked at underneath, but it was always put back. He’d worn it since he’d entered the flat. His mind wandered & he drifted off as his body succumbed to the coughing. 

The next thing he knew he was lying on a trolley covered with blankets in the back of what looked like an ambulance. Medics were working on him & another oxygen mask was placed over his mouth & nose. The fireman who had rescued him was sat on the step of the ambulance in front of him also with an oxygen mask over his head & he was being examined by a medic as a police officer spoke with him. 

Every-so-often the policeman looked up at him & he looked away, embarrassed. They were talking about him, about what the fireman had seen in that room. 

He shut his eyes & let himself drift, feeling himself floating on the stuff he was breathing in. His lungs felt tight, his throat was on fire & his body ached. He wanted that feeling when he felt nothing. Oblivion.

Voices flickered around him, probably spoke to him, but he was floating too much, too far away to want to come back. He let himself drift off further hearing strange beeps as he lost consciousness.

~ - ~

He opened his eyes slowly, letting his eyes grow accustomed to the light around him. He had heard noise & it was that that had brought him round, made him wake up. He looked around & realised he was lying on his back in a bed. A mask was over his mouth & nose still & there were various wires going into his arms & pads & wires were fixed to his chest. He was covered in a sheet & blanket, right up to his chin, yet he was still cold & he shivered. A steady beeping noise registered & he turned to his left & saw a monitor which was measuring his heartbeat. On the other side of the bed, sacks of clear liquid were suspended from a hook & fed into a wire that was attached to the back of his hand. He was in a hospital. 

“Hello.” A young female with dark brown hair & eyes, wearing a shapeless pale blue top & matching trousers said to him, her voice calm & quiet. “Back with us?” 

Jamie didn’t know what to say, so just nodded his head slightly, instantly regretting it as it caused his head to pound. He shut his eyes & winced at the pain. “Is it bad?” The woman asked. Jamie opened his eyes at her & tried to form an answer. “Your head? It’s because of the smoke, the lack of oxygen & you were very dehydrated. Your head is bound to hurt.” She pointed at the clear sack of liquid that was emptying into him. “That’s what that is for. Should make you feel better. I can get the doctor to give you something for the head though.” Jamie went to speak, but nothing came out. He tried again. She smiled at him. “Your voice, it’s the smoke inhalation, it’ll get better. Just rest.” Jamie nodded slightly & shut his eyes.

~ - ~

The doctor had examined the young man in Casualty after he’d been brought in by ambulance. The state of the man worried him, especially when he’d seen the ankle cuff & chain & the burn marks on the soles of his feet. A policeman had followed & the paramedic explained where & how the young man had been found. 

His heart had stopped for a few moments in the back of the ambulance, but the beat had returned & had strengthened again. The doctor had rigged him up to the heart monitor & had begun to examine him. 

The young man’s body was a mess. Scarred with burns & bruises. Not much of the skin on his torso & upper legs were not marked in some way. He’d clearly been raped too. Blood was in his underwear, the only garment he’d worn & hand marks littered his hips, with more bruises between his legs & on his upper arms. Hand marks that had clearly held him down. 

Then there were the marks of restraint on his wrists & even the remaining metal cuff on his left ankle. They were still awaiting someone to remove that. A fireman with specialist cutting equipment was on his way, but the doctor could tell from the skin underneath that he’d worn it for a long time. Someone had been holding the young man prisoner for some time & according to the fireman, from what he’d reported seeing in the flat had been making him work. 

He was a pretty young man, the doctor could see that. Fragile looking & not just because he was so thin. An elfin face, with high cheek bones & long black eyelashes that sat against pale skin. His dark wavy hair, tied back in a ponytail at the nape of his neck with elastic made him look young. Too young. He could certainly see why the young man would have been popular with clients. Not quite so easy to understand was why those men would abuse him so. 

Ribs protruded on his chest, all of them visible & the vertebrae on his back could be counted. He was far too thin & the test results were due back on his liver & kidney function, plus all the other things that needed to be checked to ensure there was no long term damage done. His teeth were ok, just one had had to be removed for the poor condition it was in. His gums were poor, bloody & receded in places, but time & treatment would improve those. It was the young man’s mental state though that would be the concern. How did anyone cope with what he’d obviously been through?

The doctor sat by his bed, writing up the notes & looking up to watch him every-so-often. He felt a strange paternal instinct with this young man who had been brought in so ill-treated 9 hours before. He couldn’t help but want the boy to wake, which he’d only done briefly since he’d come in. The nurse had reported him being awake briefly, trying to speak before falling asleep again. Police were waiting to question him & there were things the doctor wanted to ask him too. They didn’t even know his name, whether he was British, his age. Too many unanswered questions surrounded the fragile, broken creature that lay in that bed.

~ - ~

He woke again & jolted before instantly stilling his body, nervous about where he was. It took him several moments before he remembered where he was, that he wasn’t in the flat with a stream of men coming in to use him. It was dark though & the quiet of the ward was interrupted with the quiet beeps of the machine he was still attached to. He turned his head to watch it & realised it was a heart monitor. He was mesmerised by the regular bleep as the pattern flitted across the screen. 

He swallowed & winced at the pain that it caused, desperate for some water. Struggling with the sheet & blanket that covered him, he tried to sit up & briefly shut his eyes as the world span a little in front of him. It was only then that he noticed the tube in his nostrils & he rubbed at it distractedly, puzzled as to why it was there. 

He must have knocked a pad in his struggle to sit up as the beeps on the monitor changed & moments later a nurse appeared at his side. She smiled at him, a woman in her late 40s perhaps, blonde hair scraped back in a plait & wearing the same shapeless tunic that the other nurse had worn when he’d been awake last. Her hands whipped the blanket back & quickly repositioned the pad on his chest, before she flicked a switch on the heart monitor & watched it for several beats. “That’s better” she said turning back to him, her voice low in the dark of the ward. “How are you feeling?” 

“Aarrghh” was all he could manage as he tried to speak.

“Thirsty?” He nodded. She smiled again & went to the other side of his bed & poured a tiny amount of water into a plastic beaker. “Drink it slowly.” He tried to lift his hand to take the cup, but his arm shook & he didn’t have the strength to lift his arm or even grip the beaker. She smiled at him again. “Let me.” 

She pressed a button on the bed beside his head & it moved so he could sit up more, then she stepped closer & held the cup to his lips. Even though he’d visibly flinched as she’d stepped closer he relished the liquid when he took some & tried to greedily drink more. She pulled the cup away. “Slowly, little one or you’re likely to bring it up again.” She watched him nod & lick his chapped lips, before holding it out to him again. “I’m Hannah, on duty tonight until 7am.” She said quietly, letting him sip from the cup. “What’s your name honey?” 

Surprised he looked up at her. Did they really want to know? What was it he was called these days? Whore? Slut? Hole? Pussyboi? Cockwhore? Cumdump? Did he even still have a name? He paused at that thought before he answered, avoiding her eyes. Could he tell her those names? 

“Jamie.” He whispered eventually.

“Hello Jamie.” She smiled at him. “You’re safe here. You know that don’t you?” She watched as he bowed his head at her words. She let him ponder those words as she put some more water in the cup before she offered it to him. “More water sweetheart?” 

He nodded, confused at the use of the endearments. He hadn’t heard words like that in years, not since he’d last seen his gran. He looked up at her from under his lashes & she smiled at him, holding out her hand with the water in it. He nodded & she moved the cup to his lips & held it there as he drank from it slowly.

It broke her heart to see the way the young man reacted. It was if he didn’t know what it was like for someone to be kind to him, to treat him well. Then she supposed, he didn’t. 

The cuff had finally been removed a few hours ago & the skin underneath was scarred & beginning to rot in places. It was treated now, but he’d worn the cuff for too long & the skin hadn’t been cared for. How well it would heal was debateable. 

He was like a frightened rabbit, who peered out from beautiful long lashes, trying to hide. He was scared & broken. She wanted to wrap her arms around him & hold him, make him feel better, offer him comfort that he’d clearly been lacking. But she knew she couldn’t, she knew he’d retreat like he did if she moved too quickly. 

She watched him struggle to hold himself steady as he drank, before sinking back into the pillow behind him, his eyes wary. She smiled at him. “Why don’t you get some more sleep? I’ll bring you something to eat in a bit.” He nodded at her & she watched as he pulled the sheet & blanket protectively around him as he winced & turned on his side away from her. Sighing, she put the plastic beaker on the side & left him to rest, her hands resisting the urge to soothe or comfort him, knowing it would bring him none.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus - 2nd chapter as am feeling generous! Comments, thoughts welcome. Oh and it does get better for Jamie fairly soon.

The bustle of the ward must have woken him & he slowly cracked open his eyes, letting the morning light filter in slowly. He hadn’t moved since he’d fallen asleep & it took him several seconds to work out that it was his bladder that was calling to him. Slowly he shifted his head to look around him as he wondered what he should do. He remembered something vaguely about the nurse removing his catheter a few hours before.

The nagging ache he felt in his bladder which he was used to from holding on until he could get to a bucket or bathroom had morphed into pain at the urgency to relieve himself. He wasn’t sure he could stand though & even if he did, he wasn’t sure where the toilets were. 

He must have taken too long though, thinking about what he should do as he couldn’t hold it in any longer & he felt the warm liquid on his legs as he pissed himself. Humiliated, he lay there, unsure what to do how much trouble he’d be in for creating such a mess. So he lay there, in his own piss, too ashamed to move. 

He didn’t know how long he lay there until a nurse came over, smiling brightly at him, but keeping her voice low, calm, gentle.

“Morning. How are you feeling this morning?” He avoided her eyes. “What would you like to eat?” She tried again. 

He shrugged. Nothing. His hunger had evaporated. It was then that he noticed her sniffing the air faintly. “You alright? You need anything?” He bowed his head further in response. She placed the pots of yoghurt & jelly she’d brought over on the bedside cabinet & drew the curtain around the bed. “Hey” she said gently. “Do you need to change?” She watched his head fall lower as it rested on his chest. “It’s ok honey, accidents happen. Let me help you out of bed so we can change you.” 

She’d kept her voice low so that what she was saying couldn’t be heard. “Why didn’t you buzz one of us?” She asked. He flicked his eyes sideways, unsure what she was referring to. “Didn’t anyone tell you?” She pulled a buzzer on a wire towards him. Gently she said, “use this if you need anything.” He nodded his head slightly. “Come on, let me help you out of bed & we’ll get you something clean to wear & it won’t take a minute to change the bed. We’ll sort you out a shower later, how does that sound?” 

“Thanks” he whispered at her, his throat still sore making his voice non-existent.

“Throat still sore?” He nodded. “Ok, I’ll let the doc know so he can have a look. The smoke must have got you bad.” He smiled weakly at her & let her help him out of the bed to sit in the chair by his drip. The wet gown he was wearing only highlighted his thinness & his fragility. 

Efficiently she stripped off the bed & disappeared through the cubicle curtain. So he sat there, shivering slightly in a damp gown in his humiliation. Minutes later she reappeared with a bowl of water, sponge & towel, with a t-shirt & pair of pyjama trousers tucked under her arm. “Found these, thought you might prefer them.” She smiled as she handed them to him. “Can you manage to give yourself a quick wash & change, or do you need a hand?”

“It’s ok.” He whispered hoarsely.

“Ok honey, go slow & I’ll be back in a few minutes. Ok?” He nodded at her & she disappeared through the curtain. 

Grateful she’d given him some privacy, he pulled off the gown & stood naked as he used the sponge & warm water to wash his stomach groin & thighs. He washed between his legs & winced as the sponge touched delicate skin. Patting himself dry, he pulled on the faded grey t-shirt & then the pyjama trousers, pulling the drawstring tight so that they’d stay up. He felt better in clothes. He hadn’t worn proper clothes in months. He wiped the chair down & dried it before he sat down again, suddenly exhausted by those small actions & waited for the nurse to return to make his bed. As if she’d known, she reappeared almost as soon as he’d sat in the chair. She greeted him with a smile. 

“Better?” He nodded at her. “Good. Let me make up the bed, then climb in & you should eat something. I’ve brought you some yoghurt & jelly. Should be ok for you eat with your sore throat. You must eat them ok?” 

He nodded again & he watched her guiltily from under his lashes, not looking up as she quickly made up the bed. She patted the mattress once it was made “c’mon, hop in & have something to eat.” He stood shakily holding onto the arm of the chair & wobbled back over to the bed. She held the sheet & blankets back for him, then covered him as he sat down, watching him wince as his backside made contact with the mattress. “What would you like first? Strawberry yoghurt or the jelly?” She picked up the little tub & peered at it. “It’s raspberry.”

“Yoghurt please.” He whispered.

“No problem. Here you go.” She pulled off the lid & handed him the spoon. “You ok to eat it on your own?” He nodded, still avoiding eye contact & carefully pulled the lid off the pot. 

He wasn’t really hungry & his stomach retracted at the smell of food. He tried to think back to the last time he ate something & thought that maybe it was two days before the fire. He was never really sure what day of the week it was, but he’d had two clients together the night before the night of the fire & his ass was so sore as a result. He’d bled quite a bit after them. Then the men who’d been in the night of the fire had been equally hard on him. So he hadn’t eaten, safer that way, less painful. Experience had taught him that. 

Now though, he sat holding the spoon & knew that he had to eat & again he felt his stomach roll. He forced himself to put the spoon in the tub & put it to his lips, forcing himself to swallow it without tasting it. He made himself eat the entire pot that way, not noticing the nurse watching him from the end of the ward with a worried expression on her face. He put the spoon & emptyish pot on the bedside cabinet & shut his eyes. 

His stomach felt horrible, churning at the food he’d forced into it. He knew that he was supposed to eat the jelly too & he eyed it as it sat on the side. His hand reached out to pick it up & he held it in front of him. It must have been that, the thought of eating more that caused him to heave & bring up the contents of his stomach which he managed to hurl totally undigested onto the floor & the fresh sheets. 

He panicked then, thinking how much trouble he’d be in & didn’t notice the heart monitor bleeping its alarm as his heart rate raced making the doctor & nurses descend on him. All he felt was a swarm of people who he feared would hurt him as he’d been bad & it was that that caused him to pass out.

~ \- ~

The doctor sat in the chair by his bedside & rubbed his eyes. He was tired, it had been a long shift & he wasn’t looking forward to this conversation. He smiled at the young man who had recently woken after another lengthy sleep after fainting earlier, hoping he was being reassuring.

“Hello there.” He kept his voice low & soft, smiling. The boy, because that’s what he seemed at times, didn’t look at him directly, but acknowledged his presence by the nod of his bowed head. “How are you feeling? Any better?” There was a shrug in response. “How’s your stomach?” Another shrug was all he got. 

The doctor tried not to sigh audibly, not wanting to startle the kid in any way. “Ok, we’ll talk about that later.” He paused. “You’re on the mend, despite what the bleeps might tell you.” He smiled gesturing to the heart monitor he was still attached to. “It’s going to take a while though. You know your heart stopped in the ambulance & the paramedics had to restart it?” Jamie shook his head, his eyes wide, but head still bowed. 

The doctor continued, keeping his voice soft. “We’re not entirely sure what caused it yet.” He paused wondering how to bring up the next bit. “There’s a chance it could have been the fire & smoke inhalation, or it could have been stress… Brought on by you leaving the flat… And the fire, of course.” He paused again. “Or it could have been caused by your injuries.” He looked at the kid who still avoided all eye contact. “You’re underweight, malnourished & clearly have been abused. For some time.” He watched as the young man flinched at those words & darted his eyes to the side, away from the doctor as a blush of shame appeared on his face. “So we want to run some more tests to find out more. Ok?” The boy nodded. “Plus, we want to run some blood tests on you. Test you for… STDs.” Jamie looked up slightly, his face puzzled. “Sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.” The blush instantly reappeared & the doctor watched as he stared intently at the sheet, his fingers flexing on it, white at the knuckle. “Is that ok?” 

Again Jamie shrugged, then nodded his head once, all the time not looking up. “Alright then.” The doctor paused. “Is there anyone I can call for you?” Jamie shook his head. “No family? Mum? Dad?” The heart monitor sprang to life as his heart rate rocketed at those words. “Ok, it’s alright, no family. I get it.” 

The doctor frowned as Jamie shut his eyes & sunk back into the sheets & pillow, his body seeming to shrink before him. It couldn’t be a coincidence though could it? Reaction like that combined with the injuries. Had to be a connection there. He watched as the young man calmed, his head still bowed, eyes shut to avoid eye contact. The doctor smiled again, hoping to reassure him & reached for a beaker of ice-chips on the side. “Here, take some of these. Let them melt in your mouth. It’ll make you feel a bit better.” The cup was taken with a very shaky hand & he watched as Jamie took a few ice chips into his mouth.

“How’s the throat?” The doctor asked, changing the line of questioning.

“Ok.” Came the hoarse response.

“Hmmm. Can I have a look?” The doctor was puzzled. The smoke inhalation couldn’t have done that much damage. 

Jamie nodded his head, swallowing the last of the melted ice chips. The doctor moved slowly, standing & taking the cup from his hand. “I’m going to come closer. Could you open up as wide as you can so I can have a look? I’m going to depress your tongue as well.” 

Jamie nodded again & kept his eyes down, avoiding eye contact as he opened his mouth. Memories surged in & he fought to hold them back. 

The doctor shone his torch down & looked around the mouth. Burst blood vessels covered the inside of his mouth & the tongue was scarred. This throat was red, sore, more blood vessels ruptured as if something had been shoved in repeatedly. And then it came to him & he realised why the kid’s throat was so sore. 

He removed the depressor from the boy’s tongue & stepped back, unsure how to bring the subject up. He hesitated & sat back in the chair. 

“You’ve been… working… Forced to work haven’t you?” Jamie’s eyes lifted slightly then turned away, a blush appearing on his face. “Were you… Did the men make you…” He stopped. Very quietly he spoke. “They orally raped you didn’t they?” The kid turned completely away, shutting his eyes as his face flamed with shame & the heart monitor sprung to life beeping wildly, but he didn’t answer. But the doctor knew then, his reaction confirmed everything. 

The doctor rubbed his face, not knowing what to say, so he sat & waited for the boy to calm again. He had another difficult subject to bring up & again he wasn’t sure how he was going to do it, what reaction he’d get. 

He handed the kid the beaker of melting ice chips & watched him swallow it, watched him flinch slightly at the pain in his throat. “Is that why you didn’t eat?” He asked carefully. The young man’s eyes flicked back to him briefly, then his hands began to fiddle with the sheet again, showing his discomfort. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “Didn’t mean to be sick.”

“Hey, no need to be sorry. You’re not well. I just need to find out why.” He paused, smiling at him. “When was the last time you ate something?”

“What day is it?”

“Thursday. You came in yesterday morning.”

“Might have been Monday.” He whispered after a few moments pause.

“Monday?” The doctor was shocked at that. “Do you feel hungry?” Jamie shrugged. “Did you not get food that regularly?” Jamie looked towards him, but didn’t meet his eyes.

“Mostly.” He looked down. “I… I didn’t want it.”

“Why?” The doctor asked, keeping his voice soft. He watched as he played with the sheet, wringing it between his fingers. The doctor could see he wasn’t sure what to say. “It’s ok Jamie, nothing you say will make me angry with you. Tell me. Why can’t you eat? Does your stomach hurt?” Jamie shook his head.

“Nnnno, not really.”

“Is it sore?” He watched as Jamie nodded. “But that’s not it is it?” Again, he shook his head. “Tell me Jamie.” Jamie bowed his head & wrung his hands, his nails digging into his skin.

“I…” He stopped again & his right hand sneaked up inside the sleeve of his t-shirt & he began to dig his nails into the skin on his underarm as he rocked himself slightly, completely unconscious of his actions. The doctor just watched him patiently, waiting for him. “It hurts.” He said eventually.

“What does.”

“When… I go… to the toilet.” The last words came out in a hoarse whisper.

“Ok. Has this been happening for long?” Jamie nodded. “How long?” The doctor asked gently.

“Most of the time.” The doctor nodded at him.

“Is there blood?” Jamie nodded. “Ok. Is there pain at other times?” Jamie nodded again, head still bowed as a blush of shame once again coloured his otherwise pale face. “Where?”

“Inside.” He gestured towards his groin.

“Can you describe the pain?”

“When I go to toilet… It’s… a sharp burning pain.” He stopped to take a sip of water.

“And the rest of the time?”

“Like a knife is gutting me. From the inside out.” 

“You’d been bleeding when you came in. Does that happen often?” Jamie nodded. The doctor briefly shut his eyes, the poor kid. It confirmed what he thought though. “Right, ok. I’ll need to take a look at that.” He watched him shudder at those words. “I won’t hurt you Jamie, but we need to find out what damage there is inside if you’re in pain.” He smiled. “And we need to get you eating again. Little & often.” He watched as Jamie’s eyes flickered in alarm & the heart monitor picked up pace again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take note of the tags - Warning: gang rape and suicidal/depressive thoughts/alcohol abuse/prostitution. It will get better for Jamie though…

He’d been in the hospital for two weeks, slowly gathering strength, gradually becoming accustomed to wearing clothes, having people speak to him & not want anything from him in return. Eating regularly. It was also the longest he’d not had sex since he was 13. His sore throat had gone & his heart had steadied & the fissures on his insides had all but completely healed. A course of anti-biotics had cleared up the only STI he’d had & he knew he was lucky. 

The police had come & gone, losing interest when they learned he was nearly 20 years old. He’d expected no less & had watched them leave that last time with relief. He didn’t want to be found & he didn’t want to have to explain to strangers what had been done to him. It was if the policemen had deliberately not asked the questions that would have revealed how long he’d been abused. And he didn’t tell them. He managed to avoid most of the doctor’s questions too.

So he was almost ready to be discharged, let out into the world. And he had no idea where to go or what to do. He had nothing. Not even any clothes or shoes. His only pair of underpants had been thrown out by the hospital. 

So he was worried & whilst he had panic attacks that sent the heart monitor racing, there was little Dr Henry Stephenson could do. The doctor knew he had to discharge his patient, even if he knew that patient had nowhere to go. He didn’t like it, but he couldn’t keep a patient in a hospital bed longer than was necessary & he’d already stretched it out to the two weeks. 

~ \- ~

It was a Thursday, the day he was released, two weeks to the day since he’d been brought in by ambulance following the fire & his heart stopping. 

He stood with a donated rucksack of spare clothes from the hospital’s lost property, £20 one of the nurses had slipped him & a pair of second hand trainers on his feet. In his hand he carried a list of hostels in the city & well-meaning advice about staying warm & dry, whilst remembering to eat. Jamie had just nodded at them, lost in the enormity of it. He felt shell-shocked. Chucked out into a world he’d had no access to for more than a year. No money, no possessions, no support. It was off you go & good luck. 

He stepped out of the shelter of the hospital & headed in to the city centre. By the time he got there he was exhausted & sat on a bench, shivering in the late February wind watching normal people go about their everyday lives. 

He felt envious of them, even angry as he watched them. He was invisible to them. Just one of the city’s unfortunates who you hurried past as quickly as you could, avoiding eye contact. He understood that. He’d been trained not to look anyone in the eye, so it was ingrained. 

Finally, plucking up the courage, he made his way to the hostel. But he was out of luck. No beds, but he was welcome to hang around for the evening meal if he wanted to wait. He hesitated & was glared at by a couple of old-timers & he retreated, running away from the potential conflict.

~ \- ~ 

And like that, he became one of the city’s homeless. A drifter who scavenged food from the bins outside of supermarkets & slept in multi-storey car parks & doorways. He managed to hold onto the money for a month before he spent some of it. On condoms.

He’d been washing up in a public toilet & a man in his 40s had approached him, leering at him in a way that he’d recognised from the men he’d serviced not much more than 6 weeks before. But the temptation of the £20 the man waved in his face led him to going down on his knees & sucking the man’s cock. It wasn’t the first time he’d done it & not the first time he threw up afterwards either. He knew then what he was going to have to do & he found himself laughing at the irony of it. So he spent some of the £40 he had on a load of condoms & lube. 

He’d learnt to stash things & he used the city library & its myriad of bookshelves to hide some of his possessions. He liked the library. It was warm & dry & if he could ignore some of the other users who sniffed rather pointedly at him, he could stay there for hours. 

He tried to read in there too, but often found himself dozing off as the warmth & security of the environment took over. A couple of the librarians were nice, but there was one who he nick-named in his head Nazi as she had chased him out, so after learning which days she worked, he avoided her days, going to the museum instead. It too had good toilets he could have a good wash in. Safely, without risk of being attacked by someone.

Public loos were good places to earn a quick £20. Dangerous on occasion though as the bruises on his stomach were evidence of after a kicking from a man who wanted his cock sucked, but didn’t like the fact that it was a guy doing it or that he had to pay for the pleasure. 

He even picked up the odd man who wanted to fuck him, so he let them for £30 or £40, depending what he could make them pay. They always offered more to fuck him bareback, but he resisted their offers, knowing that they were unlikely to pay & not wanting to take the risk of what they might give him. Sucking them off was bad enough.

Sleeping rough was taking its toll though & as February morphed into March & March into April, Jamie was tired. Tired of being wet; tired of being cold; tired of coughing; just… tired. He wondered on occasion, when he let his mind go if he would have been better off in that flat, paying off his father’s debt.

And that was one of the odd things. He was able to keep his mind off his problems. He was always too busy, thinking ahead to where he was going to sleep that night, or how he was going to try & get something to eat. When he did stop walking, he was reading a book in the library or dozing in its warmth. He didn’t let his brain wander too much or he’d start questioning why he was even bothering to feed himself, get money, stay warm, dry… He knew if he questioned it too much he might do something stupid & he’d found himself one too many times looking over the edge of the top floor of the multi-storey car park he often slept in.

Men were pigs he decided. At least the men he seemed to attract. He knew he wasn’t the cleanest, smell-free or best looking fuck out there, but they treated him like a piece of meat. He also knew from bitter experience that even when he had been clean & they could fuck him in a bed, they still liked to hurt him. He guessed it was what he deserved. He tried not to think like that, or even think at all & after one particularly brutal client 3 months into his new life, he stumbled into a off-licence & bought himself a bottle of cheap vodka. 

He’d heard about vodka, how it was pretty tasteless & after the first few gulps, he realised he liked the burn it created in his throat & stomach, liked the feeling of light-headedness it gave. The chemical taste taking away the taste of other things in his mouth. It took away his ability to feel & he drank until he passed out in his little hidey-hole on the top floor of the multi-storey car park he called home. 

Despite waking up with a churning stomach, he liked the feeling the alcohol had given him, liked the fact that he couldn’t feel where the men had been inside him, on him. All he felt was the dizziness & the oblivion as he sank into the alcohol. 

So he had to earn more to buy more & as spring turned into summer, he knew he was becoming one of those alcoholic smelly old men folk avoided at all costs. Except he wasn’t old. He was only just 20. He was losing weight too, as the alcohol killed what appetite he had for food, just making him crave more alcohol. 

He looked at the some of the other skanks that he saw on the streets at night, watched them score from the dealers who also frequented the same streets the skanks did & he wondered whether he should try that too. He’d been offered enough times.

One night though, it must have been early June, things went wrong. He’d earned some money & was drinking from the bottle of cheap vodka he’d bought. It was wrapped up in a plastic bag, so it wasn’t obvious & he was ¾ through it. He hadn’t managed to make it back to his multi-storey or the bush in the park he’d found to give him shelter. He’d had a rough client who’d made him hurt, so he’d started drinking earlier than he’d intended, leaving him more vulnerable than usual to those who liked to kick others already down. 

He didn’t notice them until it was too late. There were 4 of them, all pissed themselves & high for a Wednesday night. Jamie knew as soon as he saw them he was in trouble, so he necked as much of the vodka as he could so he wouldn’t feel it.

He didn’t remember what they said to him, remember what he did to offend them that caused them to start punching him. In fact he didn’t remember anything until he woke up, he wasn’t sure how much later in an alleyway, covered in grime & piss. His money gone. His ribs painful & a bruised & swollen face that had 2 black eyes & a badly split lip. He wasn’t going to be able to work until they had healed. 

He limped his way back to his bush in the park, crawled through the small gap, found his stash, wrapped himself in the black sacks he’d swiped from an unobservant MacDonald’s employee & curled up, passing out again. He didn’t move until his bladder screamed for release hours later.

~ \- ~

He was going downhill, he knew that, & he was beginning to not care anymore. He didn’t really try so hard to keep as clean as he should after the attack & he stayed away from people more & more. He still earned money every-so-often, but for the most part he would find somewhere quiet, away from people to try & sleep. He really didn’t see a future for himself anymore & his thoughts turned more & more often to ending it. He just didn’t know how. 

He was tired of pain, so the thought of causing himself pain in his last moments kept him going, from one day to the next. 

June had turned into July & July had turned into a sultry month, where night temperatures meant he didn’t have to worry about getting cold. The down side was that it brought more people into his park late at night & he didn’t feel as safe there as he had. So he began to wander the city again, walking himself until he was so tired he couldn’t walk anymore & all he would do was sink down somewhere to drink himself to sleep. 

The warm weather meant he needed new clothes, so he decided to earn enough money to buy him some from a charity shop. He began washing regularly again in the shopping centre’s toilets. Sometimes he even felt human, until a security guard would chase him out, frowning at him. 

He tried to be conscientious about making the men who fucked him wear condoms, but it wasn’t always easy, just as it wasn’t easy to insist they used lube. 

He started to prep himself to make it easier on him, a trick he’d learnt over the year he’d been in the flat. He tried to make himself eat regularly, but the call of vodka was always stronger & when he had money he tried not to let himself sober up. Which led to danger. He should have known it would happen to him.

It was late August & summer had come back with a vengeance. The day had been unbelievably hot & he’d watched the Normals as he called them wearing their skimpy summer clothes, sunbathing in the park, wandering the town until all hours. 

He had been drinking since lunchtime, trying to avoid people, but he’d run out of money & he needed more. He walked along to one of his usual spots to pick up tricks & didn’t have to wait long until a blue van pulled up. His slightly inebriated brain did momentarily question the safety of the van, but as it was a small one & he could only see one bloke inside, he opened the door & climbed in. 

The man was mid-thirties, white, with a lot of tattoos on his arms. He grinned at Jamie & cocked his head, shifting in his seat & revealing the bulge in his trousers. “How much to fuck you?” He asked.

“£40.”

“Let’s go then.”

“I know somewhere quiet.”

“Yeah? So do I.” Alarm bells should have rung at that, but he just nodded in his seat & let the man drive him off. 

They must have driven for about 10minutes before they pulled up at one of the industrial areas on the edge of the city centre. He watched as the van driver turned off the main road & then made several more turnings before they ended up at a small warehouse type unit. It had no signs on it, revealing what business it was & the guy pulled up & parked in front of a set of double doors. “C’mon then.” Jamie nodded, the alarm bells now sounding loudly in his head, but he knew it was too late. 

He followed the guy into the building & watched as he locked the door behind them. The space wasn’t huge, but it was empty, aside from a mattress on the floor. Jamie eyed it nervously. “C’mon then you little whore, clothes off.” 

Jamie nodded, again & stripped, piling his clothes neatly. When he was naked, a door that he hadn’t noticed before opened & 2 more men of similar age came into the room. He was frightened now & knew he was in trouble. He looked between the three men who were palming their cocks through their jeans as they watched him, all predatory & intimidating. The one who had picked him up in the van advanced on him & gripped him by the arm, walking him over to the mattress. He forced him to his knees & with his hand round his neck he forced his cock into his mouth. He knew there was no escape from the mess he’d gotten himself into this time, so he let them do what they wanted to him. All 3 of them. 

He was tied up at various points & his ass beaten with the buckle end of one of their belts. Then they raped him, one after the other & they didn’t bother to use condoms or more lube. 

They hurt him, forcing him to take all three of them in one go. And the ordeal lasted for hours. He remembered being given a break at one point, being offered a drink to ease his sore throat. He didn’t remember much after that, apart from being shoved in the van as it was starting to get light. He could hear the birds beginning their dawn chorus as he lay there in the van, his clothes having been somehow put back on him. 

He didn’t remember the journey, nor could he remember how long it took. Nor did he remember that it was two of them who pulled him out of the van & dumped him like a piece of rubbish on a grass verge in the middle of nowhere outside the city, before driving off.

A dog walker found him a couple of hours later & called an ambulance, staying with him until it & the police arrived. But he didn’t know any of this as he didn’t wake up until he was lying in resus in the city hospital.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take note of the tags –   
> Warning: aftermath of rape and a suicide attempt/depressive thoughts/alcohol abuse/prostitution. It will get better for Jamie though…
> 
> A bit of a short chapter, sorry.

Dr Henry Stephenson was on duty again that morning, having just come on shift at 7am literally 30minutes before Jamie came in by ambulance. It took the doctor a while to recognise him, as his face was so badly beaten. When he did, he was shocked by the state of him. 

Jamie was very much thinner than when he’d left hospital 6 months before; his skin was grey & sallow, his body in a bad way. Whatever had been done to him that led to him being brought into hospital had resulted in cracked ribs, a fractured skull & a multitude of anal fissures that had bled profusely. 

What really shocked him though were the hand marks around his throat. Deep red finger marks, clearly visible & identifiable, surrounded his neck. It was if someone had tried to squeeze the life out of him. Bruises covered his hips & thighs. Welts littered his back. There were also rope marks on his wrists & ankles. He was lucky to be alive after what he’d been through.

Semen stains on his clothes, on his face & body told him that the men who had done this had not bothered to use condoms, rather used him & then thrown him away like rubbish. 

Blood tests would show whether he was STD free & whether they’d given him any drugs. 

Henry was shocked by what he saw. The boy who had been in the hospital 6 months ago had been a gentle, fragile thing & to see him in a worse state horrified him. He felt total guilt that he’d not done more to help him. 

Worryingly, it wasn’t just the injuries from the attack which were causing Jamie problems, as it was clear from the state of his body that he’d been living rough. Listening to his lungs revealed a hiss & crackle that had not been there before & his heartbeat that had stopped 6 months before seemed steady but fainter. What was clear that if someone didn’t kill him, another few months living rough would.

~ \- ~

Lying in a bed after months of sleeping on concrete or earth felt weird. Once he came round, he kept jolting awake, never letting his body get the rest it badly needed. He was too used to sleeping rough, where you had to keep one ear out for danger all the time. He was also fighting the alcohol withdrawal. 

He’d been given a cocktail of drugs when he’d been brought in, strong anti-biotics to fight the budding pneumonia in his lungs & to help fight any possible infections from the attack & against any STIs he might have, plus stuff that knocked him out, taking away the pain he was in. He’d been attached to several drips too & it had taken him nearly 16 hours to come round. 

The doctor & nurses had cleaned him up, had taken swabs from him too, processed a rape kit on him whilst he was unconscious, documenting his many injuries. Whether he chose to do anything about it was up to him, but at least they had the evidence. None of them thought he’d do anything about it; it was one of the depressing aspects of their jobs that saw this happen to too many young men & women. The police said they’d come back when he was awake, but as Dr Henry remembered, they’d not shown much interest when he’d been rescued from the burning flat so he felt they were unlikely to show much interest in a whore being beaten & raped by a trick.

After two days he was finally allowed to take a shower & Jamie found himself revelling in the hot water, scrubbing at his skin trying to make himself clean. In places his skin was grey from ingrained dirt & he scrubbed & scrubbed at it, making his skin raw. In other places, he wasn’t physically dirty, but he still scrubbed wanting to feel clean. 

He washed & rinsed his hair until it squeaked & when he stepped out of the shower he stood in front of the steamed up mirror that he wiped with a towel & stared at himself. The array of bruises & marks on his body were impressive. Hand & finger marks littered his skin, the bruises having started to turn into a colourful rainbow of blues, reds & purples. 

He looked terrible. His pelvis jutted out, his ribs stuck out & his belly curved inward. He could see he looked awful. He’d tried to ignore the hands full of hair that had come out as he’d washed it, telling himself it was just because it hadn’t been washed properly for so long. 

Standing with his legs together & turning to peer at his back, he saw the welts, red marks & bruises that covered his lower back & buttocks. The bruises at the top of his legs showed the force which they’d used on him. Then there were the scary marks around his neck. 

He wondered what he’d done to deserve it & he refused to let the tears fall. 

~ \- ~

He found himself liking being in hospital, liking the routine of knowing he was going to get food, be able to wash, but he also knew it wasn’t going to last. He managed to stay 11 days before he found himself once again on the outside with nowhere to go. 

Jamie had ended up almost liking his doctor, despite his questions & nosiness. He trusted him. He’d never done anything to him without warning him first & that was a huge thing to him. But now he had nowhere to go, no money, no possessions, nothing. Again. 

It hit him like a fist to the stomach & he sank onto a bench outside the hospital. He knew what he was going to have to do & the thought of it made his stomach churn. He’d been ‘lucky’ last time, the men hadn’t managed to kill him, but he wasn’t sure he could do that again. He wasn’t sure he could do any of it again. 

He’d avoided the doctor’s questions about what he was going to do when he got out of hospital, implying he’d go along to the hostels to see if he could find a bed for the night there. But those places, they scared him. He realised the stupidity of that, but they did. 

He started walking, heading into the city centre, to somewhere he could earn enough for a bottle of vodka. A plan was forming in his head that meant he wouldn’t have to think or do anything much again. He was just tired of it all.

~ \- ~

It was gone midnight & he’d earned £20 & spent it again on a litre bottle of cheap vodka. He’d necked two thirds of it & was happily blitzed, not really thinking of anything. He found himself walking along the dual carriageway & his brain kept thinking those thoughts that he’d been kicking around for months. He saw no way out of the cycle of hell he was in, no way & he wasn’t sure he could take much more. 

He’d kept those thoughts buried deep, but if he was honest, the thought of dying had been appealing for years now. He couldn’t think of many reasons he had to live & that night over a week ago when those men did what they did to him… Well he was positive he didn’t want to go through that again. Or even think about it. Yet there didn’t seem to be a way out of it. He’d sucked cock again tonight, hours after leaving the hospital so he had money. Most of that money was now gone along with the vodka he’d spent it on & he really couldn’t think of a reason to wake up in the morning. 

He continued to walk along the grass verge, dazed by the headlights that shone on him & illuminated his path. He had no real idea where he was going & had no real idea how he’d even gotten there. The road wasn’t massively busy, he just needed a truck. 

He drained the last of the bottle & chucked it behind him, not hearing it land & smash. Unsteadily he wandered closer to the road & when he thought he saw two large lights in front of him he stepped out, shutting his eyes.

~ \- ~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Aftermath of the suicide attempt, but things begin to look up for Jamie as he meets his two good Samaritans.

Paramedics & police had brought him into Casualty at nearly 1am. His left leg & arm were smashed & he’d been sent flying by the force of the impact up in the air, landing on the grass verge, knocking him unconscious & cracking his ribs. His skull was fractured from the impact & his brain bruised, a slight bleed that they were monitoring. 

His hip was broken in two places, but it was his leg though that was the worst injury. A compound fracture, the bone protruded through the skin in his thigh & his hip had also been dislocated. Surgery was required to clean up the wound and pin the hip and femur together again & place the ball joint back in the hip’s socket. At the same time they also set his arm as the humerus was broken & the shoulder dislocated from landing. He was going to be a full leg cast for at least 6 weeks & an arm cast for similar length. 

They’d had to wait though before the surgery, wait for the alcohol to leave his system. Police had found the vodka bottle & they’d seen him carrying it as he’d wavered unsteadily along the side of the road before stepping out into the path of an unsuspecting truck driver who had managed to swerve last minute, side-swiping him, but managing not to kill him. 

The trucker was distraught at what had happened, telling the police he’d stepped out of nowhere. CCTV backed that up & was the reason police & emergency crews had been on the scene so quickly.

~  \- ~

“So, I’ve had an idea.” Henry said quietly as he sat on the sofa next to Christine.

“Oh yeah?” she smiled, keeping the laugh in her voice under control.

“You know that boy Jamie in the hospital I’ve been going on about?” She nodded frowning slightly as she racked her brain. “Well, I guess he’s not really a boy anymore, he’s 20… Well, anyway, I wondered whether we could take him in? He really needs someone Chris.”

“What you thinking?” She asked, her voice more serious.

“We have that flat downstairs, it’s empty at the moment &… he needs someone to help him out.” He paused. “He’s in such a sorry state Chris. He’s been through so much & I want to help him.”

“Tell me about him.”

“You remember the boy that came in after that fire, must be what 7, 8 months ago now? He’s been back a few times now & each time he’s worse. He’s a prostitute & he drinks. No drugs though. The tests came back clean for those, but to be honest that’s immaterial. He just needs someone to give him a break.” He paused. “He’s not said very much, but he was in that flat under duress. He was chained to the floor for god’s sake… Cigarette burns on the soles of his feet… He was just waiting to die in that fire.” He shuddered at the thought. “And, he was being made to work… The marks on his body.” He shuddered again. “And now? Well he’s homeless & working again, but… God, he was brought in, what 3 weeks ago & I dread to think what had happened to him. He was in such a bad way again.” He stopped & ran his hands through his hair. “He doesn’t trust anyone, doesn’t ever ask for help which I guess is why he did what he did.” 

“Which was?”

“We think he deliberately walked out in front of a truck. Been drinking. His alcohol reading was off the scale, had to delay his surgery... Tried to kill himself. He won’t talk about it, won’t talk about much to be honest. I think when he came round he was more disappointed to be alive than anything else.” He paused. “I’ve never had a patient like this before, one that I’ve wanted to help so badly. He needs someone, us, to give him that help.” He put his glass of wine back on the coffee table. “The problem will be getting him to accept it.” He watched his wife study him for several minutes before she spoke, slowly nodding her head at him.

“Maybe that’s where I can come in.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, I’m female so maybe he’ll accept me & if you introduce me as your wife, maybe you’ll not be such a threat to him either.” She frowned. “Men will be the issue for him I’d have thought.”

“You could come in & meet him on the ward” Henry sat forward, looking excited. “He doesn’t get any visitors, so I could take you in, introduce you & you could ask him what he needs, go & buy him some bits, read to him.” The pace & enthusiasm of his voice rose as he thought of Chris going in to talk to him.

“I’ll try honey, but I can’t make any promises. We’ll go in tomorrow. Sunday must be hard, everyone else getting visitors & he’s immobilised too.”

“Yeah, he’s not enjoying it. Some of the nurses have had difficulty bathing him at times, yet at other times he just lies there.”

“Has he had a psych consult?”

“Yeah, but he won’t talk to them. Says enough to show he’s sane & not a risk to himself.” Henry shrugged again. “I think he’s playing the game until he can get out & do it again. Just crucially be more successful at it.” He sighed & reached for his wine glass & took a few sips. 

Chris reached out to take his hand & held it, running her thumb along the back of his hands in circles. 

“We’ll try.” She said quietly & kissed him. “Maybe we can be the parents he should have had & we’ve always wanted to be.” He looked up her & smiled sadly at her.

“Yeah, that would be good.”

~  \- ~

The ward was busy, a hum of noise filling the large space as families sat round their loved ones. There was a rustle of food & bags combined with the constant thrum of voices & even laughter. Sunday afternoon was always busy. 

Jamie lay on his back, his arm & shoulder supported via a hoist & sling & another supporting his hip & leg. It was uncomfortable. He could do very little for himself & he was miserable. More miserable than perhaps he’d ever been, which was saying something. He blamed himself entirely for it. Hated the fact that he’d even fucked up walking out drunk in front of a truck. It was as if karma was laughing at him. 

He tried to block out the noise of the other visitors, they seemed to be just more salt to rub into his wounds & every-so-often one would stop at the end of his bed & either stare or make a comment to their companion. As if having an arm & leg in plaster & a hoist affected his ears as well. He’d managed to feed himself that lunchtime, without managing to spill too much of it down him. It wasn’t the best food, but he didn’t really taste it, just shovelled enough of it down to keep the doctors & nurses off his back. 

Dr Henry had been into see him a few times, come for a chat, or at least tried to. He didn’t want to speak much if he was honest. He also hated the bed baths. Too intimate. At least it was the older female nurses who came in to do it, but he hated it all the same. That & using the bed pan. It was just so humiliating. And he was used to humiliation. The things he’d done… He shut his eyes as memories of men, gags, toys, restraints crowded in & he shuddered as his stomach roiled.

“Jamie?” A voice pulled him from the thoughts & he struggled to open his eyes. “Jamie? You ok? Do you need anything?” He recognised the voice, it was Dr Henry. 

He looked in the direction of the voice, but didn’t bring his eyes up beyond the doctor’s mouth. It was Dr Henry, stood at the side of his bed, with a woman. He was smiling at him & carrying a bag. “Do you mind if we sit down?” The doctor asked. Jamie shrugged & watched from lowered eyes as the two of them sat on his undamaged side in his line of sight. “This is my wife Christine.” Dr Henry pointed at the woman sat next to him. 

She was good looking, mid 40s or similar age to Henry Jamie thought as he swept his eyes very quickly over her. She smiled at him & tentatively offered her hand to shake with his right. They briefly shook.

“Hi.” She said softly. “We’ve brought you some books, chocolate & other bits. Thought you might want something to do. If you’ve read them, or want something different, just let Henry know & I’ll pick them up for you.” She pulled up the bag & pulled out a couple of books, small paperbacks that could be held in one hand. A couple of popular thrillers that he’d always turned his nose up when he’d chosen books in the library, but she was right, it was better than nothing. 

He was puzzled though. Why? Why were they coming in to visit him? Why were they being nice? His confusion must have registered on his face as Chris motioned for her husband to leave them for a few minutes. She smiled at him after Henry had walked away & moved to the closer chair so she could talk to him & keep her voice low.

“I don’t pretend to know anything about you, but…” she paused, struggling to choose the right words. “Henry’s spoken a lot about you.” She smiled at the thought of her husband. “He’s worked in A&E for 18 years & he’s never talked about a patient the way he talks about you. You massively affected him.” She put her hand out to touch him as he flinched at those words, but stopped herself, letting her hand fall away. “He told me how you came in that first time, no Jamie, please don’t be embarrassed…” She frowned as he turned his head away from her, a flush of embarrassment turning his face red. “He… He wanted to help you then, couldn’t believe…” She stopped, clearly taking a moment to think. “Look, we don’t want anything from you. I think that’s what you’re worried about. Can I tell you something about us?” She waited for a response, then finally he nodded, but still didn’t look at her. 

“Henry & I, we met at med school, then got together when we were 4 th years, so we’ve been together since we were 22.” She smiled at the memories. “We married when we qualified. He went the hospital route & I did my GP training, thinking that when kids came along, it would be easier to manage.” She paused again, then continued, a false brightness to her tone. “But the kids never came. We tried for 15 years, yeah I know, TMI, but… We tried IVF, but any time I became pregnant I miscarried.” She stopped. “We gave up after the 4 th miscarriage & by then, we were too old to adopt, so kids? Didn’t happen for us.” 

She smiled at him, but her voice was raw & he could see it was a sad smile she gave him. He didn’t have to see her eyes to know that. 

“We have a good life, I know that, but having kids, that would’ve been the icing on the cake… And when we both see young people who should have had a better start in life, well we want to help.” She looked at him, ducking so that she was looking in his eyes. He looked away from her though after a few moments, but he’d seen that she was genuine.

“What do you want from me?” He asked eventually.

“Nothing. Nothing that you don’t want to give.” She paused. “I’d like to come & visit you, get to know you, you get to know me. Us.” She paused again. “We both, and I know this will sound weird, particularly as I’ve not met you until 5 minutes ago.” She laughed. “But we’d both like to help you. Give you a fighting chance.” She cast her eyes at his leg & arm. “Plus,” she said, “you’re going to need help, whether you like it or not & I’d like us to be people you’d trust to give you that help… So if it’s ok with you, I’d like to come & visit you, drop by after work. Henry too. Get to know us.” Her voice was hopeful as she waited for his response.

“Ok.” He said quietly.

“Great!” She grabbed the bag again & he heard pleasure in her voice as she spoke again. “I don’t know what you like, obviously, but there’s some chocolate in there & some orange squash to add to the water to give you something else to drink.” She babbled, pleased that he’d accepted her. “The books might not be to your taste, but tell me or Henry if there’s anything you want to read & I’ll get it for you.” She put the bottle of squash on the side, along with the chocolate bars. “Do you want anything to eat? I know hospital food isn’t the greatest.” He shook his head. “Well, if you change your mind, just say.” She paused. “What about clothes? Do you need anything?” He reacted with embarrassment to that, his face flushing at the thought of a stranger buying him clothes.

“I… The clothes in there are what I have.” He gestured with his right hand. “I was given a few bits by the hospital.” His voice was shaky as he said that.

“Well, how about I get you a few things? A few t-shirts, underwear, tracksuit bottoms that can be cut to go over your cast. How does that sound?” He looked at her, actually looked at her.

“You’d do that?”

“Yes, of course. You’ll need something to wear when you get up on your feet.”

“Bbbbut… Why?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Jamie just looked at her puzzled. He didn’t really get why she & Dr Henry were being so kind. No one was ever that kind in his experience. “Is that ok? Can I get you those things?” He nodded at her, slowly. “Any particular colours or styles you prefer?” His eyes widened at that question, blown away that he could have an opinion.

“Erm, I don’t mind… Anything I guess.” He said quietly.

“Ok, I’ll get you a few things & bring them in. Can I come & see you tomorrow? Won’t be until the evening as I’m working till 5, but I’ll pop in after that if that’s ok.”

“Yyyess.” He whispered.

“Sure you’re ok about me buying you underpants?” She asked, trying to make him laugh. “No particular style?” He shrugged, embarrassed again. “Ok, I’ll get you something, sure I’ll manage. Been buying Henry’s pants for far too long!” She laughed. “What about the books, they ok? Or would you prefer magazines? Maybe crossword & word puzzle books or Sudoku even?” Jamie was blown away by her questions. He shook his head slightly.

“I don’t know.” He said finally.

“Those books your taste? Do you read?”

“Yeah, a lot. Used to hang out in the library. It was warm & dry there, so I’d go there a lot.”

“And what did you read?” She deliberately ignored the other comments & he was grateful for that.

“I liked the classics & modern classics. Didn’t really read crime or horror… Was trying to read Anna Karenina, but it was hard as I didn’t really have the concentration for it.”

“Would you like a copy of it?” He looked up at her, surprised.

“Yes please.” He whispered & she smiled at him, beaming that she’d made him happy. He felt odd at that.

“Hi!” Henry said as he reappeared carrying two Costa coffee cups & an icy fruit drink in a multi-carrier. “Here you are love” he said passing her a cup of coffee. “I got you this.” He gestured at the bright orange drink. “Don’t know if you’ll like it, but it’s a bit different from water & what the hospital will give you. It’s called a fruit cooler. Got you mango. Try it.” He handed it to Jamie, smiling.

“Thanks.” Jamie said quietly, pressing the button on the side of the bed so he could sit more upright. He waited till the bed was positioned before he tried it. It was good, sweet & cold. Nice on his dry throat. “Thanks, it’s good.”

“So…” Henry said, sitting in the other chair. “Are we good?”

“Is that your way of asking if we’ve talked?” Chris said grinning at him.

“Yeah.” He smiled at her & reached out & tweaked her nose. “No flies on you babe huh?”

~  \- ~

They had stayed for nearly two hours in the end, most of it Chris & Henry chatting with each other, trying to include Jamie on occasion, Chris sneaking the odd cheeky question in too. They seemed genuine, & genuinely into each other. There was no hint that Dr Henry was interested in him & he’d become quite good at reading men over the years. Chris seemed nice, motherly he supposed, even though she wasn’t actually a mother. And they were both kind, not quizzing him or making him talk. He appreciated that. 

He was exhausted after they left & wanted nothing more than to curl up & sleep, but the ward was still noisy plus the headaches he was still getting as a result of the fractured skull & bleed on his brain meant that blocking it all out was hard. Combined with the constant ache from his hip, leg & arm, it was enough to make him miserable again. He pressed the buzzer & a few minutes later a nurse appeared.

“What’s up honey?” The nurse called Sarah said as she smiled at him.

“My head’s hurting.” He said quietly. “Is there anything I can have for it please?” He asked, his voice uncertain at voicing a request.

“Where’s the pain?” He touched the top of his head. “Ok, let me have a look in your eyes, then I’ll speak to the doctor on duty, ok?” He nodded. “Can you look up for me?” She shone a light into his eyes to check the pupils were dilating, then picked up his chart from the foot of his bed to see when his last dose was. “Back in a minute, ok?” He nodded at her & shut his eyes, trying to block everything out & trying not to think about his visitors that afternoon & what it could possibly mean.

~ \- ~


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Jamie receives an offer…

He was making good progress, he was up & about & Chris had been in 3 or 4 times a week ever since that first meeting. Henry would also stop by every day to see him, not necessarily staying long, but it was a daily visit all the same & something he had begun to look forward to. 

He’d been in hospital 5 weeks & he’d started to wheel himself about, but he wasn’t yet strong enough to wheel himself very far. 

Chris had been as good as her word & she’d brought him puzzle books & various novels to read & he had clothes. New clothes. Clothes that had never been worn by anyone else before. 

She’d also bought him a pair of slippers & a new pair of trainers. She told him he’d need them eventually. The thing he valued most though was the copy of Anna Karenina she’d given him. Inside the front cover she’d written a short inscription:  _ To Jamie, when your concentration is good enough. C & H x  _

He’d not received a present in years & he’d had to fight back tears as he’d read that. She’d made sure to give it to him as she was leaving so he didn’t have to read it in front of her. He’d realised then that they were utterly genuine & kind people & he was blown away at their interest in him, which he just couldn’t understand. 

She’d also left something else in the bag his copy of Anna Karenina had been in, though he didn’t find it at first. Now, though the following day, he pulled it out & wheeled himself over to the window so he could look out over the hospital grounds, his leg cast out straight in front of him. He’d gotten used to the discomfort it caused, though his hip & leg still hurt. His arm was due out of the cast in another week & he couldn’t wait to be able to use it properly. 

Propping the book, as he thought it was on his lap, he used his good arm to leaf through it. There was no explanation, just a selection of photographs. He peered at them puzzled. 

The photographs showed a flat, furnished & looking nice. It wasn’t new like the place he’d ‘lived’ & worked in for his father, it seemed older with picture rails & coving. The photograph album, as that’s what he realised it was, started with a few shots of a living room. A small two seater sofa, an armchair & a TV on a unit made up the furniture, with wooden floors & a few rugs. Deep red curtains sat at the windows & a plant sat decoratively in the corner. 

There were shots of a fully-fitted kitchen, complete with oven, toaster, fridge-freezer, microwave & washing machine. It was sparkling white with a dark floor. It looked new & clean. 

Then there were shots of a hall with a few doors off it, also with a wooden floor & a plain red rug that matched the hue of the curtains in the living room. Then he saw the bathroom. He loved bathrooms. At least bathrooms where he could have hot water & a door that locked. He liked a door that locked. The bathroom was similar in style to the kitchen, gleaming white with black floors. It too looked new. There was a shower cubicle, sink, toilet & storage unit. It wasn’t huge, but it was clean. He was envious of that. 

Then there were photographs of a bedroom. Again, it wasn’t huge, but it contained a double bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers & bedside unit with a chrome based lamp & deep red shade. Matching deep red curtains sat at the windows, but the bed was unmade, showing it to be a simple divan unit. No headboard or footboard. Nothing to be tied to he noted. 

The flat looked nice, but he was puzzled as to why the album had been put in the bag. It was undoubtedly a mistake. 

He flicked through it a couple more times, looking for an explanation, writing, description, anything. But there was nothing. No clues. He didn’t think it was someone’s home, it was too impersonal. 

Shrugging, he wheeled himself slowly back over to his bed, put the album back in the bag & then shifted himself back on to the bed. He still tired so easily. His lungs were still not clear, having taken weeks of anti-biotics to clear the gunk in them & his ribs were still sore. The doctors had been concerned initially at how long he was taking to heal, but then he was run down, malnourished & in very poor shape even before the attack & suicide attempt. 

~ \- ~

His assigned psychiatrist had been down to see him several times a week, but had got nowhere. He kept trying, but Jamie would smile politely, answer all his questions ‘correctly’ but made no attempt to open up. He said enough to come across as sane & no longer a danger to himself, but the psychiatrist was experienced enough to know that the young man was a can of worms. He screamed abused at him, screamed damaged, but the young man didn’t want help & until he did, there was little he could do. He was due to visit again that afternoon & on entering the ward, found him stretched out on his side, a pillow supporting both his left leg & arm. He wasn’t asleep, though he was clearly trying or pretending to be. 

He walked up to the bed slowly, knowing that he startled easily. When he didn’t open his eyes, he coughed quietly. “May I sit down?” 

Jamie reluctantly opened his eyes & watched him for a few moments before he replied by shrugging. “How are you doing today?” There was no immediate response, so he waited. Jamie shifted position, sighing & using a lot of effort, that left him momentarily breathless, & sat up. 

“Ok.” Was the eventual response.

“Leg uncomfortable?”

“Obviously.” The response came back deadpan.

“Not a good day?” Jamie shrugged again.

“Same as normal.”

“Chris visit?”

“Yesterday.”

“And?”

“She brought me a gift, which was kind of her.”

“Oh yeah? What.”

“A copy of Anna Karenina.”

“Nice. Took me a long time to read it.”

“You’ve read it?”

“Yeah, long time ago, too long.” He smiled at Jamie. “You read it?”

“Started to, used to read it in the library.”

“At school?”

“No, city centre.”

“Oh?” Jamie sighed & reluctantly answered.

“When I used to go in there to keep warm.”

“You get far through it.”

“No.”

“So why a copy then?”

“I must have mentioned it to Chris.”

“That was kind of her.”

“Yeah, it was.” Jamie looked away & reached for the jug of squash the nurses had made up for him earlier. He poured himself a small beaker full, his hands shaking the psychiatrist noted.

“Still not ready to talk to me?” Jamie turned his head toward him, but raised his eyes no higher than the man’s mouth.

“Not unless you force me, no.”

“No force, Jamie. No force.” Jamie cast his eyes downward & looked away, his right hand struggling to grip the beaker & hold it steady as he raised it to his lips. He managed a few sips & felt steadier. 

The psychiatrist watched him. He knew Jamie had deliberately used that word & the impact of it made him shake. 

“One day the need to talk that you have buried deep inside will actually become a want. If it’s not me, that’s fine, but you will need to talk to someone. I can give you a list of people, men, women, whichever you’d prefer. You’ll need it for when you leave here.” He saw Jamie swallow & shut his eyes at the words ‘leave here’. “Have you given that any thought?”

“What?” Jamie asked, buying time. The psychiatrist smiled at him, knowing what he was doing.

“What you’ll do when you leave here.”

“No.”

“Ok, well I’m here if you do & want to discuss it.”

“Thanks.” He muttered into the beaker.

“No problem.” He got up. “Ordeal over, go back to sleep.” 

Jamie’s eyes flicked towards him at those words & the psychiatrist smiled. 

“Yes Jamie, I know what you think about it & it’s fine. I understand, but please remember my words.” Jamie nodded & deflected again when he reached to put the beaker back on the side. “See you tomorrow.” 

Jamie nodded once, not looking at him. He didn’t mean to be rude, but he didn’t want that man inside his head. It was bad enough him being inside his own head, he didn’t want anyone else in there raking shit over & making him think about stuff. He tried not to think about stuff. It was better that way. 

Painfully, he shifted back down the bed to lie straight. He pulled a blanket over him & shut his eyes. It took him a while to drift off, his hip griping at him & making him uncomfortable. The doctors said it was normal, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t bad. He guessed he’d had worse though. 

He shut his eyes & let himself drift off. Images of the flat floated in & out of his brain & he found himself picturing how he’d live there, if only it were his.

~  \- ~

Chris came in to see him later that evening. She was later than usual & she brought with her a Costa fruit cooler. She & Henry had noted how much Jamie had liked them, so pretty regularly they brought him one, a different flavour for him to try. He never stated a preference though. 

She’d brought him a cupcake this time too. She wondered if he’d found the album & what he thought about it. She could tell as soon as she saw him that it hadn’t been a particularly good day. 

He looked tired, more so than usual & his face pinched. His pale skin pulled tightly across his face. She knew he wasn’t good at asking for painkillers. He wasn’t good at asking for anything they’d found. 

She & Henry had been told that he never hassled the nurses, never asked for pain meds, never asked for food, didn’t ask for help when he’d soiled himself either. Like he knew better than to even try. Which she guessed he probably did. They didn’t know much about his history, but what they did was not good. 

She placed the drink on the side & smiled at him sinking into the chair. “Headache?” She asked. He nodded at her. “Have you asked for anything?”

“No.” He replied quietly.

“Why not?” She asked gently. He shrugged. “No need to suffer when you don’t have to.” She watched him raise an eyebrow at her words. “Seriously Jamie, don’t be in pain when you don’t need to. Your hip giving you grief?” He frowned.

“Yeah. A bit.”

“Let me speak to the nurse about some pain relief ok?” She watched him shut his eyes, hiding the confusion that spread across his face. She put her hand out to touch his, just for a brief moment, then stood. 

He heard her leave & watched her walk across the ward to the nurse’s station & speak to the Charge Nurse, a guy called Mike who was always very careful around him & never bathed him. 

She returned several minutes later & sat by his bed, smiling at him. “He’ll bring you something when he’s finished what he’s doing.” She paused & watched him for a few moments. “So, how was your day? What did you do? Go out?” She asked cheerfully. Jamie stopped the words on his tongue. How could he bite back at her? She was being kind to him. She’d brought him gifts.

“Nothing much.” He said quietly, reaching for the ice-drink. “Thank you for this.” She grinned at him.

“I know you love them, so as I was passing, I thought why not. I love their cupcakes, so I got you one. This one’s a banoffee one. All gooey & moist inside! Delicious! But I really shouldn’t. You, on the other hand should eat at least 5 every day until you’ve put on some weight.” She tapped his right foot gently & he smiled at her, more genuinely, but didn’t meet her eyes as usual. 

“I’ll eat it later.”

“Make sure you do.” She paused. “What was ‘dinner’ tonight?”

“I think it was cottage pie, at least I think that’s what I ticked.”

“And did it resemble a cottage?” There was a tinge of laughter in her voice.

“I… It didn’t really taste of anything.”

“You ate it though.”

“Yes Chris, I ate it.”

“Good.” She tapped his foot gently again. “Good boy.”

“So what about your day?”

“Ah well,” she started, before launching into a long conversation about how a Mrs Tillman, a patient who she’d mentioned several times before had caused a scene in the surgery. 

He smiled at her & it was nice to have a bit of normality. Mike had delivered the pills & he had taken them, waiting for them to take the edge off the pain he was feeling. All the time, Chris chatted & when she finished, there was a comfortable silence. 

“So,” she asked eventually. “Did you find the album?”

“Yes.” He replied quietly.

“And?”

“And what?”

“What did you think?”

“It looks… Very nice.”

“Do you think you could live there?” That made him look up, yet he couldn’t make himself meet her eyes, not even after all this time.

“Whhhatt do yyyou mean?” He stuttered.

“Do you think you would be happy living there?” He looked at her blankly. “Sweetheart” she said tenderly, “what do you think you’re going to do when you leave here? Go back to the streets?” He bowed his head & his cheeks flushed. “I don’t mean to embarrass you honey, but… I don’t want that for you. You remember when we met, I said Henry & I, well, we wanted to help out?” He nodded. “Well, that didn’t just mean whilst you were here in hospital.” She paused. “There’s something Henry & I would like you to think about. No pressure.” She added hastily. “But that album shows a flat that Henry & I own. It’s in the bottom of our house. We’ve rented it out to students & others before, but… We’d like you to live there. Until you get back on your feet.” She smiled at him. “Don’t give me an answer now, just think about it. Please?” She saw the shock on his face.

“You mean, you’d let someone like me, live there?”

“Of course! And what do you mean, someone like you?” She knew exactly what he was implying.

“Iiii… I cccccouldn’t.”

“No honey, don’t say that now. Sleep on it.” She let her hand rest gently on his foot. “You look exhausted & you have a lot to think about.” She stood. “Jamie, you can’t go on alone. Henry & I, well we want you in our lives. Like the son we never had.” She smiled sadly at him. “Just think about it ok honey? For me? Don’t dismiss it, not yet.” She forced a brighter smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Ok? Sleep well & feel better.” It was what she always said when she left.

“Thank you.” He whispered. He was blown away & it was all he could get out.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are things about to get better for Jamie?

Four days had passed since Chris had made the offer. Jamie had thought about it pretty much constantly since. He just couldn’t decide. Gut instinct told him it was a good kind offer, but that inner voice told him to doubt it. Told him that he wasn’t good enough, deserving; that they wanted to keep him & do unspeakable things to him. It wasn’t as if that hadn’t happened before. 

Chris & Henry had been into see him as usual & had not brought the subject up again, but when they both came in that evening, he knew that time was up. It was decision day & his stomach roiled. 

They both smiled at him as they sat & passed the niceties of the day, but he could tell Chris was antsy. Finally, she spoke up.

“Can we talk about it Jamie? There’s a visitors’ room down the corridor.” He nodded at them & began to slowly heave himself off the bed, his movements awkward & hindered by the casts. He manoeuvred himself into the chair. “Let me push you.” Chris said quietly, “it’s quite a way.”

“Ok. Thanks.” He said quietly. Progress she thought. He’d not let either of them push him before. 

A tense silence followed them out the ward & down the corridor, again something new to them. Finally ensconced in the visitors’ room, Chris looked at her husband & then Jamie.

“Look” she said quietly. “I know this feels like pressure &…” she tailed off. “And that trusting us is a huge step for you, but… we would never hurt you Jamie.” She frowned, her face sad. “We want to give you something that you don’t seem to have had before.” She stopped again. “I know we don’t know each other well & that you know very little about us & we you, but… But sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.” 

Her hands fiddled with the scarf around her neck & Jamie had never seen her nervous before. She looked up at him & smiled. He could see her smile though he kept his head slightly bowed & his eyes down. 

“The flat would be yours. Your own front door & key & we wouldn’t come in unless you wanted us to.” She stopped, waited before she spoke again. “You can’t go back out on the streets Jamie. It’ll kill you. Either your lungs’ll give in or you’ll do it & succeed this time. We both know that.” She heard his sharp intake of breath at her words. They were harsh, but true. “You simply have to decide if you want to live. And if you do, we’ll be there to give you the support that should have been there for you since birth.” She paused. “We don’t want anything from you, other than you to be happy.” Her voice was gentle & she reached for his hand as she spoke. Jamie fought back tears, his throat suddenly tight. He didn’t know what to say or even how to say it. “Will you give us a chance?” She asked, her voice almost pleading.

“Why? Why do you want to help me?” Jamie’s voice came out a cracked whisper.

“Why wouldn’t we?” Chris replied.

“She’s right” Henry said quietly. “But I know you need to hear more than that.” He sighed & shifted position on his seat. “Honestly, I look at you & I want to hurt the people who did that to you. Me!” He laughed. “I’m the least violent person you could ever meet, but when you came in & the paramedics & fire officers told me how you’d been found in that flat…” He shook his head. He watched Jamie’s head drop & his face flush with shame. “No, Jamie. You shouldn’t be ashamed. Look at me. Please? Please, just look me in the eyes. I know you find that hard, but see what I’m saying to you.” Jamie struggled, but finally lifted his red watery eyes to him. 

Beautiful grey-blue eyes watched him warily as Henry came & knelt in front of his wheelchair. Henry didn’t touch him, but he knelt in front of him. 

“I saw you come back in, after what had happened to you, how you’d been beaten & … I was so angry that I’d let you walk out of hospital that first time months before. I can’t do that again. Chris is right, we don’t know each other very well, but what I see in front of me is a young man, with his whole life ahead of him who without support won’t make it. And that” he said quietly, “would break my heart.” He smiled & placed a hand gently on Jamie’s. “Will you give us a chance? Please?” 

Tears ran down Jamie’s face & he nodded slowly.

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you.” Chris said, she also had tears running down her face & she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue as she grinned happily. “You have made us so happy!” She grinned & stood moving to stand next to Henry. “I want to hug you, you know.” She said gently. She saw Jamie flinch slightly. “One day” she said gently.

“Yeah.” Jamie managed to get out. 

He watched as Henry grinned at his wife & wrapped his arms around her, hugging her instead. 

“So… How… When.” Jamie stopped trying to form a coherent sentence. “What happens next?” He asked very quietly.

“Your consultant says you can go as soon as your arm cast is off & can get around on the crutches. The cast is due to come off in a few days & if the x-rays check out ok, should be ready to try the crutches.” Henry replied. “Then, it’s up to you.” He smiled. “You could move in then, or you could wait a few more days or weeks, whatever makes you comfortable.” He paused. “It might take you a while to get used to walking on crutches & that will certainly tire you out, so… I guess it will depend on how your arm & shoulder cope.”

“We’ll provide your meals for you until you can cook for yourself. We’ll teach you. Henry’s a better baker than I am, but we’re both good cooks, so we could teach you.” Chris smiled at him. “The main thing is, once you have a permanent address, you can apply for benefits & stuff so you’ll have some money. Once you’re better, you can then start looking for a job, or go to college, Uni, whatever you want to do.” She saw him look startled. “But, we’ll take one step at a time & what you want to do, we’ll support you.” She smiled sadly “as long as you don’t leave us.”

“But… What if I…” He couldn’t finish what he wanted to say.

“What? What if you what?”

“Let you down? Disappoint you.” He whispered.

“How would you do that?” Henry asked his voice soft. Jamie shrugged, but his face flickered with emotions. What if he drank, couldn’t get a job, was too stupid to go back to college? What if all he could do was… He shuddered.

“Whatever you’re thinking, please stop.” Chris said gently. “You need time before you make any decisions & we’ll support you until you can support yourself.”

“I can’t let you do that!”

“Why not?” Chris asked puzzled.

“We’ve thought about this” Henry said quietly. “We have more than enough money & we can’t take it with us when we die.” He smiled.

“You can’t just let me sponge off you!” Chris frowned.

“Would a loan make you feel more comfortable? You pay us back if & when you can afford to?”

“But that could take years.”

“So what?” Henry asked, smiling at his wife for her idea. It was perfect. Jamie would feel like he was not just living off them, but they’d never ask for the money back.

“I just don’t get why.” Jamie looked at them both. He actually looked in their faces. “Why would you do this for me? I don’t…”

“What? Don’t what?”

“Deserve it. Your faith in me. I’ve… I’ve never done anything but…” his voice trailed off again.

“Oh sweetheart, this is  _ your  _ fresh start, honey. A fresh start, ok?”

~ \- ~

Eight days later, with his belongings (he freaked out that he had some) in a holdall that Henry had loaned him, he left hospital for the first time in nearly 8 weeks. 

He was on crutches, but he could only use them for a short time, his left shoulder & arm still too weak for constant use. He’d been given exercises to follow by the physio & had sessions to come back for twice weekly to build up their strength. He’d also seen the shrink again, several times & had been given a selection of names of others. Jamie had taken them & shoved them in the holdall as he waited for Henry to collect him at the end of his shift & take him to the flat.

Word had got round that Henry & Chris were taking in the stray. They’d had some funny looks & several staff had questioned their sanity taking in a street boy. One had gone as far as call him a ‘ratty street whore’ & Henry had had to walk away before he’d lost his temper & said something he’d regret. 

None of them knew the boy, none of them seemed to recognise the pain the boy had suffered. None of those who gossiped anyway. The staff on the ward he’d been on were pleased that he had somewhere to go. He’d been a good patient. Polite, kind, considerate. Undemanding. Too undemanding mostly. 

~  \- ~

The psychiatrist was pleased & had sat Henry down for a conversation several days before Jamie left hospital, warning him of the trouble ahead.

“You know he’s damaged Henry.”

“Yeah, I do.” Henry replied wearily.

“It’s not going to be an easy ride. He’ll have bad days. Really bad days.”

“Yeah, I figured as much, we both did. We haven’t taken this on lightly you know.”

“I realise that, but knowing that & living with it, coping with it will be very different things.” Peter the psychiatrist paused. “He will need therapy. A lot of it. He was forced to work wasn’t he? Abused from a young age I’d a thought…” He hummed a moment before speaking again. “He was a prostitute. He did live rough. He will find it difficult to cope, living in a home again, being surrounded by people who care for him. He doesn’t seem to have had that. He doesn’t like to be touched…”

“Peter, you’re not telling me anything I don’t know.” Henry interrupted. “I know all this. I know it’s not going to be easy. Chris & I are aware of that.” He stood up & walked away, before stopping at the door. “I may come back to you. You’re right though, he will need therapy, counselling, whatever you want to call it, but… You’re not right for him. You’re too… Severe for him. Sorry.” He smiled apologetically at him.

“No, I think you’re right. A woman might be better, but I doubt it. Perhaps a younger man. A gay man.”

“You think he’s gay?”

“I don’t know.” Peter shrugged. “But he’s been raped, he’s had sex with men. I think someone who specialises in that would be beneficial for him.” He stood too. “He’ll drink, maybe take drugs. You’ll need to watch him. He might even bolt when things get tough, go back to the open air, where the world doesn’t feel like it’s closing in on him.” He paused. “He should start some kind of anti-depressant, get him to a GP. And not Chris!” He said smiling.

“I will. Thanks Peter. Some names will be good though.” 

They’d shaken hands & now, now Henry was walking very slowly beside Jamie as he made his way out of the hospital on crutches, determined not to use the wheelchair that was already stashed in the boot of Henry’s car. 

He carried Jamie’s belongings in the bag & couldn’t stop himself watching anxiously every time there was a falter in his steps or he heard his breathing getting harsher. He really did feel like a dad as he anxiously wanted to protect him.

~ \- ~

Jamie had to sit in the back of the car, leg stretched out along the back seat. It had been awkward & he was exhausted. He hadn’t realised how weak he’d gotten lying in a bed for over 8 weeks. Walking out on the crutches, shifting himself into the car, then the motion of the car meant that in the 20minute journey his eyes drifted shut & he dozed.

Arriving at the house, Henry parked on the drive as close to the flat’s front door as possible. He was reluctant to wake him, but he couldn’t leave him in the car. Opening the door he gently called Jamie’s name until he woke up. He started & Henry backed off. “We’re here.” He said quietly. “Need a hand getting out?” He watched Jamie adjust, his face expressionless.

“Please.” Jamie twisted awkwardly & winced as his ribs complained.

“Shall I take your leg?” Henry asked. Jamie nodded & shifted forward at the same time as Henry held his leg supporting him. He passed him the crutches as he reached the edge of the car & Jamie used the last of his energy to stand. 

Gritting his teeth, he followed Henry towards the flat door, not really paying much heed to his surroundings. “Where to?” He asked quietly. He saw Jamie hesitate. “You’re tired, why don’t go for a rest? The bedroom’s down there.” He pointed towards the room at the end of the corridor. Jamie nodded again & began the laborious process of making his way down the corridor to the bedroom. 

He stopped in the doorway & looked at the room. A slate grey duvet set made the bed look inviting & the room was clean & tidy, devoid of obstacles. He hobbled over to the bed & propped the crutches against the wall, then shuffled out of his hoodie. He kicked off the trainer on his right foot then twisted to pull back the duvet. He lowered himself onto the bed & used his knackered arms to lift his casted leg up. He shoved a pillow underneath & then sank back on to the pillows pulling the duvet over him. He closed his eyes as the softness of the bed sank in. 

A knock at the door pulled him back & he cracked open his eyes to see Henry standing back from the door.

“Hey.” He smiled. “Where would you like your bag?” He watched Jamie try & pull himself up. “No, don’t move. You look almost comfortable. Can I come in?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“No of course, your room, up to you if you want anyone in here.”

“Ok, thanks.” Jamie said quietly.

“Bag?”

“On the chest of drawers please.”

“No problem. Look, get some sleep, we can talk later. Want a wakeup call? About 5?” Jamie nodded. “Phone & number’s here if you need anything.” Henry pointed to the phone on side. “See you later, I’ll see myself out.”

“Thanks.” Jamie said again, his eyes already closing.

~ \- ~

He woke up hours later, not really having moved since he’d gotten into bed, slightly disorientated. Sun shone through the window hitting the end of the bed. It took him a few moments to realise where he was & his body was stiff from lying still. The quiet of the place was weird after the hustle & bustle of the hospital for so long & before that the streets. It unnerved him & he pulled himself to sit up, his arms struggling to get a grip on the bed. 

He needed to relieve his bladder, so finally he hauled himself out of the bed & grabbed his crutches. He then had to find the bathroom. Opening the door nearest the bedroom he hit a cupboard with a water tank, so shuffled on & tried again, finding with relief the bathroom. It was as white & gleaming as the photo album had shown him. Leaning one hand to support him against the wall, he used the toilet & flushed, turning to find the sink. Fluffy dark grey towels sat on a rail & liquid soap sat in a dispenser on the sink. 

Grabbing the crutches, he hobbled out to explore the rest of the flat. It was hard going even though it wasn’t exactly huge. He made his way down the corridor to the living room, with the kitchen just off to one side. There were a couple of other doors, but his weariness stopped him exploring too much. Heading into the living room, he saw the leather sofa & armchair that he’d seen in the photo album, the small table & chairs that sat flush to the back wall & the TV with the unit it sat on. He eased himself down into the armchair & felt his eyes flutter shut. 

He must have drifted off, not sure how long he was asleep for. He wasn’t sure what had woken him, but as he looked around him he couldn’t hear anything & he felt cold. He let his gaze flicker round the empty room, the plant by the windows the only personal touch aside from the curtains. The room could be lovely he thought, if it were a home. 

He thought about moving, but nothing urged him to, so he shut his eyes again intending to drift off despite being chilly. He was enjoying the freedom, the release from watching eyes, but he jolted awake as the doorbell went. Flinching, he shuffled to the edge of the armchair & pulled himself to his feet. Tentatively he made his way out into the hall & saw a shadow at the front door. “Who is it?” He called.

“Jamie? It’s Chris.” He sighed, relieved & slowly made his way down the hallway to open the door. “Hey.” She smiled at him. “Sorry, did I wake you?” She took in his sleep ruffled hair, wrinkled t-shirt, tracksuit bottoms & bare feet.”

“Yeah, think so.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” He hesitated, not sure of the protocol. “Do you want to come in?” He asked carefully.

“Can I?”

“Yeah.” Jamie nodded & shuffled aside, letting her come in, only then noticing the bags at her feet. “Go ahead of me, I’m slow.” 

She smiled at him, grabbed the bags & stepped round him into the flat. He watched her head down the corridor to the kitchen. Slowly he followed, the crutches making a strange stumping noise on the wooden floor. He stepped into the kitchen & found her filling the cupboards from the bags & putting other bits in the fridge.

“You hungry?” She asked. He shrugged. Was he? Maybe.

“Hmmm, a bit I think.”

“Ok, take a seat sweetie.” She pulled out two chairs at the kitchen table, one for him, the other for his leg. “Here’s the thing,” she paused. “You’re not up to cooking at the moment & you still need to gain strength & put on weight. Plus, I’m not sure whether you can cook… So” she took a breath. “Would you prefer to eat here, Henry or I can bring you food down, or would you prefer to come up & eat with us?” She looked at him, no expectation in her eyes, just waiting for his answer. 

He was surprised. He hadn’t really thought about it & this must have registered on his face.

“I… I don’t know. Here I think.” She nodded. “If that’s ok.” He added very quickly, hoping he’d said the right thing. “I don’t want to put you out… Maybe I could come up to you sometimes.”

“That would be lovely, but only when you’re ready.” She paused. “You do need to eat & whilst that cast is on, doing things is going to be hard. Even when it comes off, you’ll not find it easy. You will ask for help won’t you?” She ducked her head so she could see his eyes. Reluctantly he lifted them to look at her briefly.

“I’ll try.” He said.

“Ok. Now, food. I’ve made something that I can bring down later, or I can go get it now, or you can have a snack. What would you like?” His eyes boggled at the choice & she realised her mistake. “How about some toast?” He nodded. “I can bring down your dinner later, or you can join us whichever you’d prefer.” She stood & went to the cupboard to get the loaf of bread. “How do you like your toast? Lightly toasted or well crispy?” She smiled. 

Again he shrugged. How it came, he wasn’t fussy, couldn’t afford to be. Seeing that, she smiled & put 2 slices in the toaster & reached for a plate & knife, placing it in front of him. Then taking butter out of the fridge & some strawberry jam, Nutella & cheese, she placed them on the table, allowing him to make the decision. “Drink?” He nodded. “How about a cup of tea?”

“Please.” Again she pulled out 2 mugs from the cupboard & flicked on the kettle. She was clearly showing him what to do, but in a subtle I-don’t-think-you’re-stupid way.

“Mind if I join you?” She asked, her voice deliberately casual.

“No, Chris. Thanks.” He said, his voice quiet. He was finding it difficult to speak, over-whelmed at her kindness. 

“Good!” She said cheerfully. “I like my tea so strong the spoon could stand up, but I think you had yours quite milky & with one sugar? Won’t do you any harm. You need to put on some weight & build up your strength.” 

She put the milk & sugar in front of him as she fiddled with the tea bags & then when the toast popped up, she placed them in front of him too. She kept herself busy as he deliberated over the choices in front of him over what to have on his toast. He had this nagging fear that he had to try all 3 or they’d be gone, but he knew that was just panic taking hold. 

He scraped some butter across the toast, deliberately frugal with it, old habits hard to break. He’d never been allowed more than a single scrape, then carefully cleaned the knife so it wouldn’t leave crumbs in the jam or Nutella. That had always caused an issue & led to a bruise somewhere. It was hard to forget those things. 

She turned back with the two mugs of tea as he took the tiniest scraping of jam & spread it thinly on the toast. She wanted to say something, to tell him to take more, but she also knew she had to tread carefully. He was like a timid child, nervous. So she began to chat about some of the people they’d rented the flat to & her words calmed him. It was like how she’d chatted to him in the hospital about her day, about people he’d never met, but whose lives played out in front of him, keeping him grounded. 

When he finished, he placed the knife neatly on his plate & carefully swept up the few crumbs from the table, sweeping them onto his plate. He moved to get up, to wash it, but she stopped him. “Sit awhile. Let your food go down. You’ll need to eat little & often I think.” She smiled, her pretty face softening as her eyes crinkled at him.

“Thank you.” He said with feeling. She beamed at him, knowing it was about more than the toast & tea. She reached out her hand to touch his briefly, letting her fingers brush his, before withdrawing her hand.

“You have no idea how welcome you are & always will be. Try not to forget that when things get to you.”

~ \- ~


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Jamie finds it hard & Chris & Henry stage an intervention; Warning of discussion of sexual abuse, rape, depression and depressive thoughts.

It had been hard. Harder than he’d thought it would be. The cast was off his leg, but he still limped & used the crutches for support, but there were days when just getting out of bed were difficult. 

He’d registered with the DWP & was starting the process of making claims for benefits, but he hated that, the questions that were asked. Made him feel even more ashamed. He’d been in for the interview & then retreated to his bed to recover. 

The bedroom was the room he used most & he actually slept in the bed there. He felt safe in the flat, especially in the bedroom which was at the back of the house & sheltered by the garden. He had started cooking for himself, having learnt the basics & then a few recipes off both Henry & Chris, but sometimes he didn’t do more than make a couple of pieces of toast. He knew he should eat, knew he should cook, but the thought of it sometimes was more than he could work up the effort for.

Chris & Henry had backed off initially, giving him time to settle, to feel safe, but they were worried. Whilst he left the flat for hospital appointments & the occasional visit to the benefits office, he didn’t do much else. His weight gain had plateaued too & though he still ate with them once a week, Chris knew that he wasn’t always eating all the food that was bought for him. 

That he was depressed & struggling was clear, but how to get him to seek the help he needed was not so easy to see. He was encouraged to visit them, to help himself to their books, but he didn’t. He didn’t make much use of the TV either or the radio. He found himself trapped in the flat, anxious about going out, anxious to do anything & whilst it was better than the life he’d lived on the streets, in the park, in his father’s flat, the walls were still a prison, just a prison created by his own mind this time.

~ - ~

Two months had passed since he’d moved into the flat, two months of privacy, independence of a sort & time to think. Too much time to think. He had no concentration. Occasionally he’d flick on the TV, but it contained a world that was alien to him & he found himself feeling further disconnected. He tried reading Anna Karenina, other books that Chris & Henry had lent him, but his brain couldn’t digest it & he’d end up falling asleep or drifting off into nothing, trying to stop his brain from whirring. 

And then there were the times when he fought the urge to go out, find a bottle of vodka & drown himself in it. Then the darker, more dangerous urges to go out & find someone who’d hurt him like he truly felt he deserved. That’s why he didn’t go out unless he had to. He feared what he’d do, feared how he’d let Henry & Chris down if he did. So he hid, from them & the rest of the world. 

And one thing that didn’t escape him was how long he’d gone without sex. Nearly five months. It was the longest since he was aged 1 3 . It felt weird. Felt weird to be in control of his body for the first time. But it wasn’t something he was used to & nor did he find it easy to cope with. The urge to destroy that came over in waves.

~ \- ~

Chris & Henry recognised the depression that he’d fallen into, but were struggling despite their experience. They had grown to care for him & want the best for him, but knew that any intervention could scare him away. 

Finally after 3months, Chris staged the intervention she’d been dreading. He couldn’t keep going the way he was, he wasn’t living, he was existing like he’d done before. So she wangled an invite into his flat for both of them, bringing one of Henry’s famous Victoria sponges with him to try & tempt him. 

He shuffled into the room, using only one crutch now to lean on, his sweatpants hanging off his hips & the grey t-shirt & hoodie swamping him. His hair was pulled back & he looked exhausted. And like he’d just crawled out of bed at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. Which he had. He ignored the glance between them & smiled a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Would you like a drink?” He asked.

“Tea please.”

“Me too, thanks.” Henry added. “Need a hand?”

“Think I can manage, thanks.” They watched him limp out of the room, leaving the crutch behind. His orthopaedic doctor thought he might have a permanent limp as the bone was slightly shorter following the incident. Plus, despite regular physio sessions, he wasn’t diligent when at home. 

Several minutes later, he returned carrying two mugs which he put on the coffee table in front of them. He nodded towards the cake & went out again to fetch his own mug, plus 3 plates & a knife.

“You could do with a tray.” Chris mused.

“For all my entertaining.” Jamie replied dryly.

“Yeah well, that’s something we wanted to talk to you about.” Chris said softly. Jamie shut his eyes & sank slowly into the armchair opposite them. “Cake?” 

“Small piece please.” He said quietly, knowing he wouldn’t be allowed to refuse. 

He watched her cut into the cake & cut an inch wide wedge for him. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to eat all that. He sat forward to take the plate as she passed it to him. “Thanks.” 

A silence descended for a few minutes as each of them ate their cake, but Jamie only picked at his, his stomach anxious. He wasn’t sure what they wanted to say to him, but it worried him.

“So” Henry started after taking a mouthful of tea. He watched Jamie place the half eaten cake back on the table then sit back in the armchair with his mug of black tea that he nursed in his hands. “We’re worried about you Jamie.” Henry watched as Jamie bowed his head further, avoiding their eyes. “You’re getting better physically. Slowly, but your life, well it’s not moving on.”

“I… I haven’t been well.” Jamie said quietly. “I’m tired.”

“You’re depressed.” Chris said softly, but her voice firm. “You have been very unwell I know sweetheart, but your heart, your lungs, they’re doing ok now. Your leg is getting better too & would be stronger if you did the exercises.” She watched him flinch at her words & draw his right leg up to his chest, the left one trailing as the muscles were still too wasted for him to control it. “I know it seems like I’m attacking you sweetie, but I’m worried. We both are.” She wanted to grab him & wrap her arms around him, but knew she still couldn’t do that. The most she’d ever been able to do was hold his hand briefly or touch him lightly in passing.

“You’ve been through so much Jamie, it’s no wonder you’re depressed.” Henry added. “You remember Peter the psychiatrist in the hospital?” Jamie barely nodded his head. “I know he wasn’t right for you, but I, well Chris & I both think you should see someone.” He stopped. “We’re not criticising you, not trying to hurt you, embarrass you… But, I can’t imagine what’s happened to you & you need to get it sorted in here” he tapped the side of his head “before you can move on with your life.” He paused. “At the moment you’re in this limbo land, wondering when it’s all going to go wrong again, when you’re going to find yourself hurting again.” Jamie’s chin was resting against his chest & he was shaking slightly, the mug of tea he’d been drinking left abandoned on the side.

“We’ve got a few names of some people who you could see.” Chris added gently. “Would you go along? Meet them? Try talking to someone?” He shrugged his shoulders, feeling ambushed. “I’d also like you to see a GP, just to start the process. Maybe get you on some medication that might help.”

“You think I’m mad?”

“No sweetie, just sad. Really sad with too much going on in your brain for you to deal with.” She paused. “You know that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.” He shook his head. “Lots of things can cause that imbalance & the stuff you’ve been through would be enough to do that. Think about the last year of your life, think about what you’ve been through.”

“I’d rather not.” He said quietly.

“But you need to; you need to deal with it, cos sweetie you’re not dealing with it at the moment. You can’t sleep away the rest of your life.” She saw him raise an eyebrow. “No sweetheart, you can’t. It’s not a life. When do you go out other than to a check-up? What about friends? You’re 21 years old. You should be enjoying yourself & to be brutally honest, you’ve had very little to enjoy yourself over for the past god-knows how long, so you need to deal with it & grab the chance you’ve got to make it happen…” Her voice trailed off as his shoulders began to shake & tears rolled from his eyes, big splashes falling on his grey t-shirt. They were silent tears & Chris felt herself tearing up as she watched. She couldn’t help herself either as she moved from the sofa to crouch in front of him, still holding herself back from touching him, though she desperately wanted to comfort him. One day she hoped. “You’ve got to be a bit more brave sweetheart, cos you don’t want to go on like this do you?”

“Nnnoo… I...” He stopped himself.

“You can tell us anything you know. We’re here for you.” She rested her hand very lightly on his left knee. “We’ll help anyway we can… So, do you think you’d give one of these therapists a go? Please?”

“I’ll try.” He whispered, still not looking up, his hands fiddling with the edge of his t-shirt.

~ \- ~

Dr Josh Chambers was the 4th one he’d tried. The other three he’d seen, well he’d tried, but he just couldn’t talk to them. The first male doctor had intimidated him, the second female one he’d felt he couldn’t explain the stuff that had been done to him & he’d felt uncomfortable. The third doctor was also female & although she had been kind & open, he just didn’t gel with her. 

He knew he’d been trying the patience of Chris & Henry trying all these doctors, but he had to get it right. If he was going to open up & bare his soul, telling them what had happened to him, then he had to get it right. It wasn’t what he wanted to do this, talk to someone, tell them all his inner-most thoughts & problems, but he guessed Chris & Henry knew what they were talking about & he had to give it a go. He wasn’t exactly happy as he was. Happier he supposed, but not happy. But then, he couldn’t really remember what that felt like. 

So here he was, sat in Dr Chambers office in a leather armchair for his fifth appointment in two weeks. Dr Chambers, or Josh as he preferred to be called, was in his early 40s. He specialised in sexual trauma & abuse cases, something that hadn’t gone unnoticed by Jamie, Henry or Chris. He also worked predominantly with the LGBTQ community, something that Jamie had been uncomfortable with at first. But he put Jamie at ease. 

His office wasn’t as formal as the others’ had been, yes there was a desk, but he didn’t hide behind it & his manner was less formal, dress trousers & a shirt, but not a suit. He had a few personal pictures sitting on his desk, revealing that he was gay & in a long term relationship. His qualifications & certificates hung in a cluster on one of the walls, but other than that the walls were filled with pictures of clients & various beautiful photographs from his travels around the world. His partner had taken the photos. 

Jamie found himself staring particularly at one which showed a panoramic of the Grand Canyon. The colours were beautiful & the scale of the site blew him away. Sometimes his eyes would travel to it & he’d lose his train of thought. Today he deliberately looked at, wanting to lose himself in it. He didn’t like the questions Josh was asking him, the things he was making him speak about. So far, their conversations had been tiring, but not as brutal as this.

~  \- ~

Josh recognised the signs in Jamie. Saw the years of training to hide his thoughts & feelings, but also the damage caused by abuse. He had spent the first few sessions trying to get him to open up, feel comfortable, deliberately not pushing him about the flat fire & why he was there & had only asked a few questions about how he was coping in the flat, away from hospital, about family, feeling out the conflicts there. He had tried to get Jamie to start thinking about his future, what he wanted, what his dreams had once been. 

Jamie was reticent to talk, clearly not used to it. He’d seen him weighing him up too, recognising him as a gay man, someone who potentially had a sexual interest in him & making adjustments to his character. Josh had called him on it & his face had flamed in shame, which he had then had to talk down. 

His guarded thoughts & feelings were the biggest problem. When he did speak, he told people what they wanted to hear rather than what he truly felt. Josh couldn’t decide whether that was more because he was unused to speaking his mind or because he just didn’t know his own mind. It was probably a combination of both. 

That session, Josh had been asking him about his family again, what memories he had from childhood that were good, who he got on with in the family. He had spoken about his grandfather, grandpa as he called him. He seemed to have died when Jamie was 8 or 9, Jamie vaguely remembered a funeral. Asked what he’d liked about his grandpa, he’d told him how they’d gone for walks & how he’d shown him the different trees & birds, how they’d spent time together. It had come across as peaceful & loving. 

“So was that when things changed?” Josh had asked.

“What do you mean changed?” Jamie had replied.

“When your mum & dad changed towards you? Did they become more violent?” He watched Jamie gaze off, his eyes focussing on his favourite photograph, the one his eyes always found. Josh regularly moved the photos around his office, but Jamie’s eyes always hunted out the one of the Grand Canyon. “What do you like about that photo?” He asked softly, changing tack. Jamie threw his eyes down, as if suddenly found out & embarrassed.

“It’s the Grand Canyon isn’t it?” He asked quietly.

“Yes.”

“You’ve been there?”

“Yeah, a few years ago. Matthew, my other half took that picture.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“Is that the appeal?”

“Nnnooo… I mean, it is beautiful” he added hastily, anxious he’d caused offence. “It’s… Ssssoo old & big. So… Like it’s there, you can’t miss it.” He paused, frowning. “He takes a beautiful photograph.” Jamie said quietly, casting his eyes downward, embarrassed again. At having an opinion Josh thought.

“Thank you.” Josh smiled. “So when did it start Jamie?” He saw the flinch, saw the eyes widen as they looked down at his lap.

“What start?” He whispered.

“The abuse Jamie. When did he start abusing you?” There was a tense silence as a range of emotions flickered across Jamie’s face, before the face became blank & emotionless.

“You mean when did he start hitting me?” He frowned. “I think he’d always been a bit handy with his fists towards me… Mmmum, well ssshe used to always slap the back of my legs or smack me round the back of the head.” His frown deepening he went quiet. “They didn’t ever seem to do it to my sister though.”

“What about your dad? When did he start doing other things to you?” 

“Other things?” Jamie asked, keeping his eyes cast down, head bowed.

“Well, I’m guessing he didn’t just hit you.” Josh said quietly. Jamie felt his face flush as his cheeks heated.

“I…” He stopped, composed himself. “When I was 1 3 , mum, she went into hospital. I don’t know what for. She was laid up in bed for a while after that.” He stopped, screwing his eyes shut as memories that he didn’t want flooded back in. He rubbed at his face then braced his hands either side of his legs, like he was about to launch himself off the sofa. “He would come in after I’d gone to bed.” He turned his head away, lifting his chin slightly, eyes still tightly shut. “He’d never let me look at him…”

“What did he do to you?” Josh asked gently, studying his reactions carefully. There was silence for several minutes as Jamie struggled to find the words.

“Touched me… Made me touch him… Wanted just my mouth at first…” He paused. “Trained me… Made my throat so sore, my jaw ache.” His knuckles were turning white with the grip he was using on the edge of the seat. 

“You say trained you. What do you mean?” He heard Jamie take a deep sigh.

“Taught me how to take him deep, taught me what he liked… Taught me not to look him in the face… Would hit me if I forgot.” He stopped, moving his hands in front of him, twisting his fingers together. “I got good at it apparently.”

“At what?”

“Giving head.”

“How do you know?”

“Heard him. Offering my services… Said I was good.”

“Offering? To whom?”

“Others. His friends I guess.” His hands lay still in his lap, twisted together as he shrugged. “I think he got paid for me by them… Used to hear them talking about money, how much had been made…” His voice trailed off & his right knee which had started bouncing as he spoke, stopped & he launched himself to his feet. 

He walked over to the window & stared out, not really taking any notice of the view. He stood there for a few minutes in silence before he turned & began to walk around the office, looking at the photos again. He stopped in front of one which showed a seascape, the sun captured shining on the water in the middle of a rainstorm. “Where’s this?”

“The Pacific, place called Seaside off Route 101 in Washington State.” Jamie nodded his head.

“Always wanted to travel.”

“Anywhere in particular?”

“West coast of Canada & follow the Rockies down the entirety of the Americas.” He shrugged. “Read a book about it, sounded good.” A quiet fell on them as Jamie looked at the other photographs, stopping for longer in front of some than others. 

Josh knew he was prevaricating, not wanting to talk further, but it was his job to push, even when the client didn’t want to talk.

“What else did he do to you?”

“You really want to know?” Jamie turned briefly back towards him, eyes looking in his direction, but rising no further up his face than his chin. “Get off on knowing do you?” An edge to his voice as he said those words.

“I really want to know & no, I don’t get off on hearing it.” He kept his tone calm & patient. “Come & sit down.”

“I don’t want to sit down.”

“Ok.” Jamie was irritated & he shook his head in frustration. Silence fell again as the question Josh had asked him sat between them. Finally he spoke.

“What didn’t he do to me?” He said. “Maybe you should ask me, give me a list & I’ll tell you whether he did it or not.”

“You want me to?” Jamie reached the wall by the window again in his pacing & sighed audibly. He was tired. He rested his back against the wall & let himself slide down till he was on the floor. He kept his damaged left leg straight, but raised his right to his chest & wrapped his arms around it protectively. He studiously avoided Josh’s eyes.

“I didn’t know much about sex. Was quite sheltered I suppose. Knew vague things about what was stuck in to what… But I didn’t have a clue about what men could do to other men.” He shut his eyes & rubbed them with the heels of his hands. 

And then he told him. Everything that had been done to him. “I tried. I really tried.” He said his voice a hoarse whisper.

“Tried to what Jamie?”

“Be good. To accept what he did… I thought that maybe if I did what he wanted it would stop, that they’d love me… But it hurt.” He sounded like a little boy as he said those words & Josh felt his heart contract.

“That’s abuse. He was your father. He was an adult & you a child. That’s rape Jamie.” He tried to keep the anger out of his voice, as the anger wasn’t directed at Jamie. It explained so much though. He watched Jamie hear those words, but it didn’t register. It would take a long time for him to undo the damage that had been done to him. “Come & sit back in the chair Jamie.” He said gently. He heard a huff, then a few moments later he stood & sat back down in the chair. “Is that why you avoid eye contact?”

“Is what why?” Jamie asked after a delay.

“Because you were told not to. Trained not to.” 

“I suppose.” Jamie shrugged.

“You’re scared at what you might see.” Josh said quietly. “I’m going to set you some homework.”

“Homework?”

“Yeah,” Josh smiled. “Something for you to work on outside of here.”

“Ok.” Jamie’s voice sounded slightly worried.

“I want you to look at Henry & Chris when they talk to you. And I mean look at them. In the eye.” Josh watched Jamie’s eyes widen. He was still looking down though, head bowed. “They’re safe aren’t they? They’d never hurt you.” Jamie nodded.

“Ok. I’ll try.” Josh noted he didn’t answer his question.

“Do you think you could try it with me? Here?” There was a long pause before Jamie moved or spoke.

“But…” He stopped, eyes still cast down.

“Look at me Jamie.”

“You know all this… stuff about me.”

“So?”

“It’s…” A flush appeared on his face, spreading down his neck.

“I know you were abused Jamie yes. I know that the people who you should have been able to trust the most let you down. I can guess at what you’ve been through, how you have been harmed over the years… And, well you know Henry treated you when you came in. He knows a little. Most people who’ve treated you will realise the harm you’ve suffered.” He kept his voice gentle, his tone soft. “Someone who tries to kill himself usually has a reason. And, I’m guessing you have a want to shut the noise off inside your head, but this isn’t the way to deal with it Jamie.” He paused, debating whether to say the next bit. “I know you were kept in that flat against your will, forced to work...” He heard a soft gasp from Jamie. “I also know you were attacked, drugged & gang raped the time before your suicide attempt.” He watched Jamie’s head lower & the flush deepen on his skin. “You have nothing to be ashamed about Jamie. You need help & I think I can give you that help if you trust me. But I need you to return that trust & looking at me, actually seeing me, will help you. Not all men will want to hurt to you.”

Jamie flicked his eyes up to him briefly at those words & Josh smiled at him. “See, not too bad.”

“Hmmm” Jamie said quietly.

“There’s something else I’d like you to do too.” He watched Jamie shut his eyes. “I’d like you to start going out. The only places you’ve been going are here, the hospital & home again. This needs to change, plus your leg could do with it too. I’d like you to start going places again.” He paused. “What interests do you have?” Jamie shrugged. “What about, I don’t know, going for a walk, to the park? You could go there?” He watched as Jamie shook his head fervently. “Why?”

“Just… Can’t go there.”

“Ok.” He paused, knowing he’d have to revisit that at some point later. “What about the city museum? Or the art gallery? The library?”

“Used to go there.” Jamie said quietly.

“Where?”

“The library. To get warm.”

“What about going there then? Choose & borrow a few books then come home again.” He ducked his head so that he could see Jamie’s eyes. “How about it?” Jamie looked up at him again briefly & nodded. Josh rewarded him with a large smile. “Great! Session’s up. See you on Friday & I want a report on your homework.” Josh grinned at him. Jamie glanced his way as he stood & tried to look up, getting as far as his nose. 

“I’ll try.” 

“That’s all I can ask for.” Josh stood & followed him to the door, holding it for him. “See you Friday.”

~  \- ~


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Please take note of the warnings: discussions of abuse, rape and suicidal/depressive thoughts. But again, things are on the up for Jamie.

He did go out. Found himself in the library, registering as an official borrower. Showing them his new bank card from the account Chris had helped him set up, once he had a copy of his birth certificate & became a real person, as his ID. It felt odd being back & initially he found himself in the spots he used to hang out in when he was homeless, looking at them with fresh eyes, seeing what he must have looked like. He felt embarrassed. 

It had been hard coming back, hard walking into the city. His leg had hurt & despite the crutch which he’d brought with him, he was tired, his leg was tired. Deliberately he sat down with a book in a soft chair, one he’d never allowed himself to sit in when he’d been dirty & homeless, not wanting to spread his filth. Now though, he was clean. Well, clean body & clothes at least. 

He sat for an hour, trying to read, but he was tired & his concentration wasn’t good, so he allowed himself to look around instead. Finally, feeling conscious that he’d been sat there too long, he stood & checked out the book & began to make his way home.

He had a little money, he only spent some of his cash on food which he gave to Chris & Henry, but it felt odd in his pocket. He stopped in a newsagent on the way home & bought himself a chocolate bar, Galaxy. He also bought himself a pad of paper & a couple of pens. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt the urge to do so when he saw them. Carrying the stuff home, a word he still wasn’t used to, also felt odd. 

Back in the flat he sat in the armchair with the pad in his lap & pen in hand & he found himself writing. Firstly about what it was like to be out for the day, the feelings he’d had as he’d walked through the city he used to hustle in, wondering if any of the men who used to fuck him were around & how he felt about that. 

Then he found himself writing a poem. He wasn’t sure what he was doing at first, but he found the words tumbling out of him. He’d written poetry as a child, at school. Had even won a school competition. But then he’d stopped. He knew why at the time. Too dangerous because of what it might have revealed. Now though, the words poured out. 

An hour later, having filled 8 sides of paper with his writing & two sides of scribbled out notes for his poem, he rewarded himself with half of the chocolate bar. He then fell asleep in the chair, exhausted by his day.

~ - ~

Friday came round quickly & Jamie took his homework with him. He had managed to look at the shop keeper, the librarian, though he’d avoided the Nazi as she was still working there. Wasn’t sure she recognised him though, but he guessed he looked a bit different. Cleaner, if nothing else, plus he guessed he hadn’t been limping so badly then. But looking at Chris & Henry was a different matter. They knew him. They knew stuff about him. They _knew where he’d been_. He felt like a traitor for thinking like that, but it was how he felt. Happy to take their time, money, help, but couldn’t look them in the face. What kind of person did that make him?

He could walk to Josh’s office from the flat. Took him a good half hour, a normal person he thought could do it in half the time & he was knackered when he got there, so he’d sat outside for several long minutes before he went in, plucking up the courage to face the person who’d make him talk about things he really didn’t want to talk about. 

He seemed to have developed a nervous habit these days, something he’d found himself doing when he’d been in hospital. He didn’t think he’d done it before, but now he found he constantly wrung his hands together, couldn’t keep them still as he would sit, stand, walk. It was like he needed something to do with his hands. Josh had noticed it, but didn’t comment. Didn’t comment on the way his right leg would bounce, or he would pull at his clothes, trying to keep them from his body. Nervous twitches that betrayed how he was feeling about any given situation.

Josh watched him as he sat down, noted the notebook in his hand, noted how he still couldn’t look directly at him. “So” he asked, “how have you been?”

“Alright.”

“Best you’re gonna offer me?” Josh asked quietly. He watched Jamie’s leg begin to bounce & the hands find each other as the notebook was left abandoned on his lap.

“Nnnoo… I’ve been out.”

“Where d’you go? What d’you do?” Josh asked, keeping excitement in his voice.

“Erm… I walked to the library. I registered. Properly, real member this time.” He shrugged.

“How did that feel?” He watched Jamie shrug again.

“I don’t know really… The Nazi didn’t recognise me.”

“Nazi”

“Yeah.” He paused. “Used to give me evils when…” He stopped.

“When?” Josh prompted gently.

“When I used to go in there. When I used to stink…” He stopped again.

“How did it make you feel when she didn’t recognise you?” He heard Jamie sigh.

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do.” He watched the bounce in Jamie’s leg become more animated.

“I…” 

“Come on. Talk to me Jamie. No judgement here.”

“I suppose I was relieved in some ways…”

“And?”

“Angry that she didn’t… That I wasn’t worth being remembered.”

“That’s good Jamie.”

“Good?”

“Yeah. Anger. That you felt you were worth something.” He stopped for a moment, watching his face carefully. “Because you are worth something. More than the odd £30 here & there.” Jamie’s head shot up at those words. “More than being forced down on your knees with no choice in it.” He watched as Jamie’s cheeks flamed at those words & his eyes darted downward again. “How long were you in that flat Jamie?” 

He watched as Jamie squirmed in front of him, as he looked almost for somewhere to run away from that question. They sat in silence for several minutes as Jamie processed the words & tried to work up to an answer.

“I’m not sure.” He stuttered out eventually.

“Weeks? Months?”

“I… I don’t think it was long after my A Levels were over… I… I… I was told I had to earn some money…” Josh did the calculation quickly in his head.

“You were kept there for 18months.” It was a statement, not a question & it sat heavy between them. “Can you tell me about it?” Josh asked gently.

“Whhhat do you want to know?” Jamie asked shakily.

“Who kept you there? How you were treated.”

“Whhhy?”

“You can’t keep it bottled up inside. It’s not healthy. You will self-destruct.” He watched Jamie’s eyes shut & pulled his right leg to his chest, raising his left leg, but still not able to move it in the same way as the right leg. He watched Jamie’s face pale & blotches appear as he tried to formulate what he was going to say & a sheen of sweat was visible on his forehead.

“I… I… I was tricked into going there. He… My father, took us all there, to the flat… A family outing. But… I didn’t leave again.” He fell silent again, his knuckles white as he twisted his fingers together, but his leg eerily still. “It was several days before I had my first… client.” He said quietly. “But he was the first of…?” He shrugged. “Mostly it was 5 or 6 a night. 6 nights a week, sometimes every night. Depended on whether someone could be in the flat, man the door.”

Josh kept his reaction hidden. He again did the calculations in his head. That was over 2500 clients. He struggled for what to say to that. 

“Who would be in the flat with you then?”

“My father. Sometimes my mother, uncle. They had to let the clients in & take the money.”

“You didn’t do that?”

“Wasn’t allowed to leave my room.”

“Why weren’t you allowed to leave your room?” He watched Jamie blink a few times, as he licked his lips nervously, unsure what to say.

“I… I could only go out there when I was… chained.”

“Chained?”

“Stop me going anywhere I suppose.” He paused. “I… I was chained in my room when no one was there.” His eyes flicked down to his ankle.

“So what was your day like?” Josh asked softly.

“I… I had to make sure I was clean… Had to keep showered, keep clean in there…” his voice wavered as his eyes shut & a blush of shame reappeared. “I would be in bed till one of them arrived, maybe 2 in the afternoon, sometimes a bit before…” He frowned. “I’d be let out then, could put the washing on, make sure I had the sheets ready for the bed for that night… I’d be given something to eat, then the first client would arrive any time after 5pm… I… I’d work till 1 or 2am… Then when the last one was gone, I’d be allowed to shower & the chain would be put back… On my ankle.” He paused. “Sometimes I’d get something to eat.” He shrugged. “Then I’d be on my own again till it started again.”

“How long was the chain?”

“Not long enough to reach the bathroom, leave the room.” Jamie said quietly. “I had buckets to use while they were away.” There was silence as he finished speaking, the enormity of what he was saying sinking in for both of them. Finally Josh spoke again.

“You say you were tricked into going to the flat. What do you mean by that?” 

“I…” Jamie stopped speaking, his hands even stilled. “We were told we were going to see a flat they were thinking of buying in the city centre. They said it was an investment or something. So we all went… We looked round & mum took my sister back to the car & left me with him.” He fell silent. “I… I stupidly didn’t think there was anything odd to that… I mean, we were poor, how could they buy the flat?” He paused. “He beat the shit out of me.” Jamie bowed his head further as the memories swept in, chin touching his chest. “He… He knocked me to the floor & then started on me with his belt, started kicking me…” His hands started twisting together again. “I don’t remember how long it lasted… I remember hurting.” He paused. “When I came to, they were gone.” He shut his eyes. “My ankles were chained, just enough that I could shuffle around & my hands were cuffed in front… I didn’t see anyone for two days, I think.” He paused. “I tried to get out, really I did… There was nothing in the flat. No food, only water from the taps… I tried to get out, but the door was locked, so many of them… So were the windows & I was on the top floor… I thought about smashing them, but there was nowhere to go. I tried shouting, but...”

“Why couldn’t you shout?”

“I didn’t have any voice left… Not after what he’d done to me.” Another silence fell & sat between them like a thick blanket, smothering them with the feel of it.

“What happened when they came back?” Josh asked softly.

“He… I…” Jamie stopped. “He told me how it was going to be.”

“Which was?”

“I was going to work for him. Earn him money. Once I’d earned enough, paid off his debt. My debt. He said, I could go when it was paid.”

“How much?”

“Told me it was £150 000.”

“Did he tell you why?” Jamie raised his head at that question, but didn’t meet his eyes.

“He hit me again when I asked that.” He paused. “I stopped asking after a while.”

“Did you know how much the men paid?”

“Sometimes I heard them talking about it.”

“How much?”

“I think I usually cost £75 an hour. Less if I were, you know… Damaged.”

“Did you work out how long it would have taken you to pay that off?”

“Yeah… I did. Didn’t help though. He just kept adding costs.” He sighed. “I stopped counting.”

“What do you think you were earning him money for?” Jamie shook his head.

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “Probably his own greed. Bet it was to buy the flat itself.”

“Were there any days you were left alone? Weren’t forced to have sex?” Jamie shook his head.

“Not many. I think I was left alone over Christmas. I lost track of time. Sometimes the clients would tell me what day it was, how I knew it was Christmas… I think I worked Christmas Eve, but not the next two days.”

“You were left on your own?” Jamie nodded.

“It was good in a way… I made sure I stretched out the food I had left, didn’t know how long I had to make it last.” He shrugged.

“Did you ever run out of food?” He nodded, not looking at him. “Were you often hungry?” Another nod. Josh sighed quietly, then there was a pause. He changed direction with his questions. None of them were easy to ask & no doubt even more difficult to answer. “Did the men who came in ever say anything to you? Speak to you?”

“Other than to tell me to turn over? Bend my leg up? Open up wider?” Jamie laughed bitterly. “No… Some of them wanted me to talk dirty to them ‘tell me how good I am’ ‘come on, tell me to go harder’, ask me ‘how rough’ I liked it.” Jamie mocked their voices. “They’d call me names. I was their ‘good little whore’…” He paused. “Smack me about a bit. My scars told them I liked it rough.” He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.

“How did you cope? Those days, the time on your own?”

“They were the ok times. When I was on my own… No one tou…” He stopped himself.

“Don’t censor yourself Jamie.” Josh said softly. “Finish what you were going to say.” Josh watched as he shut his eyes & sighed.

“No one… touching me, telling me what to do, forcing me to do things I didn’t want to do. Forcing my body to do things it didn’t want to do.” He shuddered. There was a lengthy silence.

“Did your father continue to rape you?” He saw Jamie physically wince at the question.

“Yyyyess.” He stammered eventually.

“Your uncle?”

“Yyeesss… Not often.” He shut his eyes & lowered his head again. “Sometimes at the end of the night, before they went home.” He got out finally.

“Did you ever think it would end?”

“No.” Josh wasn’t sure he was going to say more. “I thought I was going to die in there…” He whispered, his voice hoarse. “I wasn’t upset when I realised the flat was on fire. It was an end to it.”

“Do you still want an end to it?” Jamie sighed, furrowed his brows. Eventually he replied.

“In here” he tapped his head “yes.” 

“But the rest of you?” Jamie shrugged.

“I want to care, really I do, but…”

“Why do you want to care?” There was a pause before he answered.

“Henry & Chris want me to… They want me to succeed, get better.”

“Don’t you?” He shrugged again.

“Sometimes maybe… Then I…” He stopped again abruptly.

“Go on.”

“I think about all the things I’ve done & I don’t care. I don’t care if I ever wake up again.”

“All the things you’ve done?”

“Yeah. All the men I’ve sucked & fucked, let hurt me… And I have to ask what the fuck was it all for, ‘cos I don’t think my life’s been worth it... And, if that’s all there is, I don’t want it. I’ve had enough.” He sighed deflated by his words. And wasn’t that the crux of the issue. 

“Do you think the medication you’re now on is making any difference?” Josh asked gently. Jamie shrugged. “Do you feel any different? There are other drugs out there your doctor can try if they’re not working.”

“I don’t know. I’m so tired… I don’t feel I know anything anymore.”

“You used to?”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

“When was the last time you think you did?” Jamie shrugged.

“I can’t even decide what I want to eat, what I want… How can I…” He stopped.

“Finish your thought Jamie.” 

“How can I live like this? It’s painful. Every fucking day I dilemma over what to eat, what to do, what to wear, should I get up now, what do I want. It’s never ending. I can’t make a fucking decision to save my life” he stopped abruptly laughing at the irony of his words. “I’m just tired.” He rubbed his face, staring into space after he took his hands away. “But… I know Henry & Chris would be so disappointed if…”

“If what Jamie?”

“If I just didn’t keep going.”

“Do you mean end your life?” Jamie nodded slowly.

“I don’t want to let them down. They’ve been so kind to me… They deserve someone better than me.”

“Jamie” Josh said calmly but with force behind his words. “Look at me.” Jamie reluctantly floated his eyes in Josh’s direction. “Really look at me, not stopping your gaze at my nose.” Josh smiled. “You can’t get better for other people Jamie, you have to get better for yourself. And…” he raised his voice slightly as Jamie almost protested. “You are depressed Jamie, clinically depressed & your doctor needs to find a better combination of drugs for you. Do I have your permission to speak with her?” Jamie nodded. “I’ll need that in writing.” Jamie nodded again. “But, it will take time. You have been through hell. And honestly, you’re doing amazingly well. It’s not surprising you feel directionless. You’ve been powerless for years, unable to make any decisions about any aspect of your life for years. Worse than that, you were imprisoned, forced to do things against your will with no hope of escape. It’s no wonder that you’re struggling.” He paused. “But, you have to make a decision & it’s going to be a hard one. You have to decide if you really do want to move on, try & get well.” He paused, watching Jamie’s face carefully. “If you decide you do, you will need to push yourself, make yourself do things even though a bigger part of you doesn’t want to.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Then, you will need to question why you are here.” Josh left the answer deliberately ambiguous. “You can get well. You are getting better. You have a support network now. You have a chance Jamie. Take some time, think about what you want, what you’d like to do, how you’d like your future.” He paused & watched Jamie carefully. “I think you do want it, but I think you’re frightened. And that’s ok you know.” He stopped watching Jamie flick his eyes downward. “Can I ask about that notebook you brought with you? What is it?” He watched Jamie hesitate, his hand grip the notebook protectively. “You don’t have to tell me, but you did bring it along.” A silence fell & Josh prepared to wait for his response.

“It’s…” He paused again, holding the notebook in a vice like grip, his fingers white with the pressure. “When I was in Year 7 I won a poetry competition… I used to write poetry all the time. But I stopped.” He stopped speaking.

“When the abuse started.” Jamie nodded.

“Yeah… I… I was worried about what I might say.” He paused. “I wrote them in my head, but I couldn’t get them out.” He paused. “I kind of lost my voice I suppose…”

“And now you’ve found it.”

“Yes… Maybe… Well I’m trying to.”

“You like writing?”

“Yeah. I used to.”

“Hard to find the words?”

“Sort of…” He paused, frowning. “I bought it on my way back from the library & I sat down & started writing. It felt… I didn’t think about it, I just wrote.”

“You should write a blog.”

“Blog?”

“Well, it’s like an on-line diary I suppose. A stream of consciousness. You don’t have a computer?” Jamie shook his head. “Well, write your thoughts, feelings. No one has to see it unless you want them to. I think you’ll find it cathartic.” He cocked his head at him. “What do you think? Might help you sort out the tangle of feelings & thoughts inside your head.”

“Would you read it?”

“Only if you wanted me to. You could think about that too.” He paused. “Does it sound like something you’d be able to do?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so.” There was a hopeful air to his voice as he spoke. Progress perhaps.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussions of abuse, rape and suicidal thoughts, but there’s also a breakthrough.

It had made a difference. At first he kept it to himself, simply writing down what he’d done that day, how he’d felt. Then after one day when he’d almost found himself down on his knees in a public toilet, he gave it to Josh to read. An insight into his mind. And that helped. A lot.

It wasn’t just the writing that made a difference, he found he could actually start to get things out of his head & although it didn’t stop the nightmares, the self-doubt, it did help. It also gave him something positive to think about & with Chris, Henry & Josh’s help he applied for university, a degree in English & creative writing. 

At the interview, he found himself being more honest than he’d planned, telling them what he’d really been doing in the years since his A levels. Telling them he was a suicidal drunken whore was something he hadn’t anticipated doing, but maybe it was his brutal honesty that got them to offer him a place, that and his letter of application which had been a poem about his life. It had blown the admissions panels away & he’d ended up with 2 offers of places. One at the local university & another miles away.

Whilst the university 120 miles away had in some ways been tempting, a fresh start, he’d ultimately decided he still needed the support network, so just over a year after trying to kill himself by walking out in front of a truck, he found himself at university. It was a surreal feeling & one that he found difficult to get his head round. 

Chris & Henry were of course his rock of support, offering him anything & everything he needed. He was still socially inept & scared of large groups of people & particularly men, but he tried. He still saw Josh usually two or three times a month, more often he felt he needed it & he still wrote his on-line blog, not that it was visible to anyone other than himself or Josh if he sent him the link. His medication had him stabilised & he managed to sleep most nights without nightmares, but it was difficult getting out there & though he’d applied to university, the reality of stepping onto campus & having to talk to people was another matter. It terrified him.

~  \- ~

He had started a part-time job in the months before he’d applied to university. Only 2 days a week, it was an attempt to give him not only a work record, but more importantly confidence. Confidence to deal with people. 

It had started out as volunteering in the library, but when a job had come up he’d been encouraged to apply for it by the staff he worked with. Even the woman he’d nick-named the Nazi had mellowed & though he didn’t reveal who he was to her, she was actually a kind lady & a complete bibliophile. He learnt a lot from her, her love of books, her passion for reading was infectious even if she did have an edge to her. 

He still limped, something that would never go away. It wasn’t a bad limp now that the physiotherapy was over, but the break in his leg had been bad & ultimately his left leg bone was slightly shorter than his right. He still couldn’t bend it in the same way as his right, but he kept up the exercises that his physiotherapist had told him would make a difference. His arm was mostly ok, just a little tenderness & stiffness in the shoulder if he tried to fully rotate his arm. He had no one but himself to blame for this though & if he found himself complaining at the pain, he reminded himself pretty sharply that he was the idiot who’d done it to himself. He was his own harshest critic.

He’d decided to try & live that day after leaving Josh’s office in late January. After he’d struggled to walk there on his crutch with the bitter January wind biting into his bones & he’d revealed about his writing. Not that it was always easy & not that he didn’t have bad days.

~  \- ~

In early May a heat wave hit & he’d found himself wandering the streets with the ‘normals’ late one Friday night. He’d found himself buying a bottle of vodka, found himself back in the park watching them live their lives as his seemed to pass him by. 

Whilst he’d made progress on many fronts, his social abilities were still sadly lacking. He’d made no friends his own age & the only people he socialised with were Henry & Chris. He’d been introduced to some of their friends & their friend’s children, but he was wary & if he was honest, anxious. He even backed away from the ladies in the library & their social invites. 

Not only did his lack of friends cause him anxiety, but so did his fear of sex & sexual attraction. Especially when he realised it wasn’t women he was looking at. Every time he felt a twitch in his groin he cringed & he shuddered when he woke to find his release on the sheets or the overwhelming need for release took over. He would scrub himself after that & he despaired at himself. How could he be attracted to men after what had been done to him? How could he be gay after everything he’d been through? Maybe he deserved it? Maybe they knew & he’d asked for it. It ran in his head on a constant loop & he felt dirty again. So he’d started drinking & found himself cruising his old haunts on occasion looking for someone to abuse him, show him that he was the worthless whore he knew deep down he was. He didn’t know what else to look for.

At first he’d tried to hide this from Josh, but Josh being the psychiatrist he was, knew there was something worrying him, causing him mental pain & a relapse. If he was honest he’d expected it & he suspected he knew the cause. Josh knew he’d started drinking, not just because Henry had found him out cold early one morning on the front drive on his way to work, but because he couldn’t keep it out of his writing. 

Finally in early June, when he’d not returned home for 2 days & Chris & Henry had almost sent out a search party, Josh broached the subject with him.

“Why have you started drinking again Jamie?” Jamie shrugged his shoulders as he sat on the floor, back to the wall under the window, his favourite photograph in his direct line of sight. “I think you do know.” This was greeted with silence. Josh sat & watched him, recognising the signs of a relapse & him trying to block Josh out again. He waited. He had the time.

“When did you go there?” He asked, nodding his head towards the picture of the Grand Canyon.

“Hmmm, maybe 3, 4 years ago. Matthew had always wanted to go there.” There was a pause as Josh waited for Jamie to speak again. He thought he knew where the conversation was going.

“When… When did you know…?”

“Know what Jamie?” Josh asked gently.

“That you were… gay.” Josh smiled. He was right.

“Probably always knew, but definitely when puberty hit. It wasn’t the girls in the underwear catalogue I was looking at, that my brother was looking at. I was far more interested in the men’s underwear section.” He shrugged. “Wasn’t easy, but I always knew.” He was quiet, waiting to see what Jamie would ask next. He studied him, watching the twisting hands in his lap & him trying to keep the emotion off his face. “What is it Jamie?”

“Did they make me gay?” He whispered. “What they did to me?” Josh sat forward, his heart always hurt at moments like these.

“No. You can’t be made gay Jamie.”

“So that means I am gay then?”

“Maybe.” He paused, letting that sink in. “Why are you asking this?”

“I… I find myself looking at… It’s men I think I’m looking at… I don’t find women… attractive.” He paused. “It’s not women I find myself looking at.”

“Does this worry you?”

“Yeah.” He whispered.

“Why?”

“Cos… How can I? How can I look at men, after… What they did to me.”

“It’s not as simple as that though Jamie.”

“But… It hurt… They hurt me. I hated it.”

“Yes, because it wasn’t consensual. You had no choice.” He paused. “Even if you didn’t think you were gay, you would still be fearing sex.”

“Is that what I’m doing?”

“Yes.” Josh replied quietly but firmly. “Do you masturbate?” He watched Jamie’s face flame & his head dropped, chin touching his chest. Jamie nodded.

“Rarely.” He whispered. “When it gets so bad it’s almost painful.”

“Why don’t you?” Josh’s question was greeted with silence for several minutes as Jamie considered his answer. Finally he replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Cos… It reminds me of what they did inside me, on me.” He shuddered.

“Did you ever before?”

“No… Maybe before it started, but… I couldn’t bear to have people touch me, let alone touch myself.” He shuddered again. “The smell of their…” his voice drifted off, not finishing his sentence. “I couldn’t bring  _ that  _ out of myself.” Depression sucked libido too, so that probably meant he didn’t want to much either.

“And now?”

“I… I feel…” He couldn’t finish what he was saying.

“How does it make you feel?” Josh asked gently.

“Dirty.” Jamie’s response came simply several minutes later.

“You know it’s perfectly natural & normal though don’t you?” Jamie shrugged, head down avoiding eye contact, the blush of shame still evident. “Humans are sexual beings & your body’s response is perfectly normal.” He paused again before asking the next question which would be even worse for Jamie to answer. “Did you ever ejaculate when you had clients?”

“No.” Jamie whispered.

“What about when your father was abusing you.” There was a pause, then a nod of his head before he burst into tears. They were body-wracking sobs as tears rolled down his cheeks. It was the first time Josh had seen him cry & he got up, fetching the tissues & pushing a handful towards him. He then sat & let him cry, not telling him to stop. It was the emotional release he’d been waiting for & he wasn’t going to curtail it or even let Jamie curtail it.

It was a good twenty minutes before Jamie calmed enough that his body stopped shaking. “Sorry.” He muttered, hiccupping.

“Nothing to be sorry for.” Josh said softly. “Would you like some water?” Jamie nodded. Handing him a glass of water, Josh sat & watched him carefully, watching him calm. He had a delicate balance to walk now. “You’ve been worrying about this.” Josh said quietly. “Haven’t you?”

“What?”

“About the fact you ejaculated when your father raped you.” There was a pause, then Jamie nodded briefly. “You know your body will respond, whether you want it to or not. It’s not something you could control.” He kept his voice soft. “I know you’re not going to necessarily believe me, but it is true.” He paused, letting those words sink in. “You’ve also been worrying about whether you’re gay haven’t you? Whether what they did to you made you that way?” Jamie nodded again & hiccupped. “And you worry about when you sometimes wake up & you’ve had a ‘wet dream’ or that your balls ache so much you just have to jack off.” Jamie shut his eyes & nodded his head once. “There’s nothing wrong with any of that. And if you are gay, there’s nothing wrong with that either. You don’t have to do anything about it. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Not anymore. You know that don’t you?” Jamie nodded his head, still not looking up. “Look at me.” Josh said quietly. Jamie shut his eyes, but raised his chin. “Look at me.”

“Alright.” Jamie sighed.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Your body is not dirty, you are not doing anything you shouldn’t. No one has the right to touch you unless you want them to.” He paused, relaxing his expression a little. “Do you understand that?”

“Yeah.” Jamie said eventually after sighing & rubbing his face.

“But it’s going to take a while for you to mean that.” Josh said calmly. Jamie shut his eyes again.

“I just… I just don’t understand… How can I be gay? After what they did to me… I didn’t like it. I didn’t!” Tears began to fall down his cheeks again.

“It’s ok.” Josh said quietly, repeating it until Jamie had calmed.

~  \- ~

It had been a break through. Not that Jamie was happy with his realisations about himself. He couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of guilt over it & whilst logically he knew what Josh was telling him was right, he had trouble believing it deep down. It sat like a weight on his shoulder, always there, following him, making him slightly uncomfortable, more socially inept. It wasn’t that he had an issue with being gay, he just couldn’t reconcile it with himself & what had been done to him. He knew logically that the two were not connected, but head & heart didn’t always work in unison. He tried to remember Josh’s words that he’d be feeling this way if he were straight. But he just wished he’d been able to work things out for himself & not had sex forced on him to blur the lines in his head.

~ \- ~


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Things are looking up & there’s a surprising revelation made.

He’d worked in the library for 9 months & it was the ‘Nazi’s’ suggestion that he apply for a job in the city centre’s branch of Waterstones. He hadn’t known it until she sat him down during a break one shift & she’d told him that he needed to get out more, to become the vital young man she knew he could be. She’d revealed then that she did remember him, had recognised him as the young homeless man who had come to the library to keep warm & she told him. “I didn’t want to embarrass you Jamie, didn’t want to remind you of where you’d been.” She smiled at him. “And I know your nick-name for me. I hope I’ve changed your opinion of me.” Jamie blushed & looked down.

“You have… And I’m sorry Mary.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, but you need to live young man. Don’t let life slip by. You’re off to university next month, a big step.” She paused. “You need to build your confidence. You’ve come along way.” She smiled at him. “You can talk to strangers now, even older men.” She watched him blush. “But I think you need to get out there.” She stopped & dipped into her handbag that she always carried with her & pulled out some folded sheets of paper. “Here.” She handed them to him. He looked at her, then took the documents, carefully unfolding them.

A small cutting from a newspaper fell out. It was a job advert for a book seller at Waterstones. The other paper work was an application form & information about the shop & branch that Mary had clearly researched for him. He looked up at her, shocked that at what she’d done & said. She knew he’d been a whore, a homeless bum & yet she’d still helped him.

“You did this? For me?”

“You need to live Jamie. Stop hiding from whatever you’re hiding from.” She paused. “I don’t know your story, I don’t know why you were homeless, why you did what you did…” She stopped. “You changed me. You know that?” He looked up, startled. “You did. I was judgemental & cruel. I put books before people… I put books before you, and for that… I really am sorry Jamie.” She smiled at him & touched his hand very briefly.

“Don’t be. It’s in the past.” He shrugged. “Thank you though.”

“Apply for this Jamie. Put yourself out there, meet young people. You can’t hang around in a dry, dusty old library with old Nazi hags like me for the rest of your life.” She smirked at him, an unusual look on her face. “Take your passion for books, literature & work there. They have so much going on, authors do readings, it’s a vibrant place & you need some of that.” She paused again. “I’ll write you a glowing reference & take some of your poetry book reviews with you, they’ll love them.” She stopped, placing her handbag back at her feet & picking up her teacup. “Will you apply do you think?”

“You really think I should?”

“Yes Jamie, I do. You need it.”

“Then… Yeah, I’ll think about it.”

“Apply Jamie. Apply.”

~ \- ~

Three weeks later, he’d been interviewed for the post of a part time book seller (their glorified name for a shop assistant) for Waterstones & true to her word, Mary had written a glowing reference & the manager had loved his poetry reviews. He was offered the job & 2 weeks before he started university, he began work in the city centre store.

Josh had been impressed, not just by Jamie for having the courage to go for it, but also by Mary who’d been able to give him such a push. Perhaps it was because it was from such an unexpected direction that it had such impact, but it led to Jamie taking another brave step. He was putting himself out there.

The nerves kicked in though. Wearing the prerequisite black trousers & the Waterstones logoed top Jamie had started work. 15 hours a week, which were flexible & would fit in with his studies. There were 15 staff who worked in the city centre store, most were part time like himself, though the manager was an English graduate who had worked her way up. She loved books, loved selling books, loved convincing fellow bibliophiles to try something new. She also loved Jamie’s poetry reviews & they started to go up all over the store.

The team were a good bunch & as he got to know them, he felt more & more normal, more like a regular member of society, not one who had been on the edge of it for so long. They were a fairly young bunch, mix of males & females some of whom were at university like him. 

~  \- ~

University was going well, he was enjoying being back in education, learning again. It was a shock to the system, his brain having something else to think over rather than the other constant more negative thoughts. He found it good to have a purpose again, to be getting up in the morning to either go to work or to lectures. 

Being 3 years older than the majority of his peers, having lived the life he’d lived, he wasn’t so gung-ho about not attending lectures. He went to all of them. He enjoyed them. Maybe it made him ‘sad’, but it was a purpose again, a route to a more positive future that had no leg in the past. 

He also enjoyed the lectures, loving the creative writing challenges that were set, though his forte was definitely poetry. 

Writing short stories was far more of a challenge & he found that many of them had a theme. It was odd how his poetry could be about other things than his past, but his writings were focussed on that. Maybe if he wrote it all out of himself, he could get past it, but he knew he’d shocked his tutor with some of his tales, that were based on his life. He wasn’t sure if his tutor knew that truth, but it didn’t matter. His grades were still good, he was cruising through the year. But then all he did was work. Either at Waterstones or on his course. 

His social life hadn’t improved greatly, despite offers, both from his colleagues in the store & some on his course. He’d been to the uni bar with some of them a couple of times, but they seemed so young & carefree in comparison & he found he had so little in common with them.

His colleagues were a good bunch though, they didn’t ask too many questions, accepting his eccentricities. He called them that, he didn’t know what the others really thought. Jennah & Michael were the two he worked with mostly, other than Amanda the manager. They were curious about him, with Jennah eventually plucking up the courage to ask why he had a slight limp. He hadn’t told her the whole reason, but he told her about his accident & how he’d been laid up for nearly 3months, with the slow recovery afterwards. It helped explain why he was at university now & not when he’d turned 18. There were only some things that he could tell his colleagues.

Serving customers had been a challenge at first, something that he’d made himself do. Whilst he’d served people in the library, the customers in Waterstones were very different. Anyone & everyone came in & he never knew what they’d ask for. He still found older men challenging & would defer to whoever else was on duty if possible. Yet he was getting better at it.

Henry & Chris were proud of him, they told him regularly how proud they were of how far he’d come. They had dinner still at least once a week, usually on a Sunday evening so that they could catch up & they fiercely defended his independence, recognising that he had to live his life. Though they still wished he’d do more than work, be it in the store or for university.

He was still on medication, Josh telling him he may well be on some form of it for the rest of his life, or at least at various points in his life. He saw Josh at least once a month, more if he was having difficulty coping with something. Josh though, like Chris & Henry was impressed by how he’d turned his life around. He was much more confident than the broken, nervous young guy who’d turned up at his office, not entirely sure if he wanted to live. He had no doubt that Jamie still thought that occasionally & those thoughts would return at times, but Jamie was moving on. Though he was yet to test his sexuality or even brave friendships again.

But that was all to change, not that he knew it. 

~ \- ~

He’d been working in Waterstones for a year, it was the beginning of September & he had spent most of his summer working in the branch, covering colleague’s holidays & boosting his earnings. Whilst Chris & Henry still refused to charge him rent, he did struggle sometimes paying for things. Not that he was reckless with his cash. He knew what it was like to have nothing, so he always had savings, something to fall back on if the shit hit the fan & he lost everything. 

Chris & Henry had tried to persuade Jamie to go on holiday, either with them or on some kind of break, but he’d politely refused. Instead he’d worked on his reading list getting ahead for the year, written on his blog, started a new collection of poems & added more poetry reviews for more books in the shop, liking the creative challenge of them.

You could tell it was the start of a new academic year in store. Aside from the displays he & Michael had put up in the window to entice school kids & uni students in, it was the range of customers that had changed. Lots of mums buying reading lists, 16 year olds ordering textbooks. It made him think back to his time, when he’d been about to start his A Levels, when he still had a family who he lived with. His father had still loaned him out, still used him, but it was before things had gotten really bad. 

There seemed to be a September heat wave, an Indian summer as the media reported it. August had been soggy & cool, but September turned hot & dry. He was torn about the heat. Hot weather meant fewer clothes, short sleeves & they risked revealing his scars. Scars from the van that had sent him flying breaking his leg & arm; scars from the chains that had tied him place as the men had fucked him in the flat. He wore leather round his wrists to try & obscure those, but he waited for the questions about them. He didn’t relish answering them.

There was something about that day that had felt odd from the start. Maybe it was the 3 week long heat wave that seemed to be making people ratty, but there was definitely something in the air. The shop had been busy & he was covering someone’s shift, his last day of extra hours before he returned to university & lectures, so he was working a day & with colleagues who he didn’t normally. 

It was the end of the day & finally the shop floor was quieter again & he was on the till, working out how much had been taken that day in sales & ensuring the orders had been recorded. In his peripheral vision he saw someone approach the till, several books in hand. Painting on his smile, he lifted his eyes to the man’s nose & spoke.

“Can I help you sir?” There was no answer as the books were placed on the counter, but he felt the man’s eyes on him watching him intently. He shivered slightly under the gaze, a feeling of unease creeping over him. The man just watched him, not speaking just watching his every move. He scanned the items, rang up the total, took the offered card & asked for his pin number. All the time the man said nothing. He handed the bag to the man, 3 novels of non-descript origin & smiled, saying “thank you. See you again.”

“Whore.” The man said quietly as he snatched the bag away, staring at him before walking away. Jamie froze.

He hadn’t recognised the man, but then how many men had he sucked or fucked over the years? To be recognised, was one of his biggest fears. He stood staring, paralysed by the recognition, watching the man walk away out of the shop.

“You alright?” Another customer asked. Jamie shook himself & tried to calm himself. He wanted to run, hide. He turned a shaky smile on the newest customer.

“Ssssorry…. Can I help.”

“You ok?” The customer asked. He was of a similar age to Jamie. “You look very pale.”

“Yyyyeahh, thhhanksss… Erm, you erm taking these?” He gestured shakily to the pile of books on the counter.”

“Yup. Ring them up please.” Jamie gave another shaky half smile & picked up the books. He tried to ignore the tremor in his hands as he nearly dropped the first one. He felt the customer watching him & he worried that the guy had heard the comments. He tried to block out the voice in his head telling him that he’d been found, that he’d have to go back to his old ways. He forced himself to focus on the task of scanning & packing the books, all under the watchful eye of the young guy who had probably heard the man’s comments to him.

Finally the ordeal was over, he handed the man’s card back & the bag of books & gave another weak smile, thanking him for his custom. He didn’t look at the guy’s eyes, his gaze stopped at his nose, but he felt the other man’s gaze. As soon as he was gone, he escaped to the storeroom to get his head back together. He still had another hour of his shift left.

He couldn’t help it, he was panicking. The man had recognised him & had called him a whore. He didn’t remember fucking that man, hadn’t recognised him, but he clearly had & he felt… He wasn’t sure. Scared was the biggest feeling, followed by humiliated. He rubbed his hands together, a sure sign of his anxiety & made his way to the staff toilets. He felt sick & knew he was going to throw up.

~  \- ~

Ashley left the shop, bag in hand & stopped by the door to turn back & look at the shop assistant who’d served him. His name was Jamie according to his name tag. He was gorgeous, but shy. He’d heard the other customer’s comment & seen Jamie turn white at his comment & he was intrigued. The man who’d called him a whore had said it with such vehemence that he’d been taken aback by it too. Jamie’s reaction had been instant. He’d gone white & hadn’t known how to respond, other than drop his eyes. Jamie hadn’t then been able to look him in the eye after that & had stood looking stunned before he’d managed to pull himself together enough to serve him. He’d stammered though. 

Ashley had spotted Jamie before. He was a regular in Waterstones, partly due to his love of books, but also because doing his PhD he was often in there trying to locate books or journals. Today he’d been picking something up that he’d ordered from the States a month or so before. Nothing terribly exciting, but it was going to prove vital in his research. 

He’d spotted Jamie because he was just his type. He reckoned he was a wee bit shorter than himself, just under six foot & he was very slim, a slight build. He had dark wavy hair that had a habit of falling over his eyes, hiding his grey-blue eyes. His skin was pale & he was fine featured. He was pretty, almost feline in his looks. But there was something slightly different about him. Whilst he spoke with customers, he was reserved & often didn’t look them in the eye. There was definitely baggage there & Ashley couldn’t help but be intrigued by him. Having overheard the comment about him too, he wondered how this reserved man could be insulted in such a manner.

~ \- ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note, my up-dating schedule will not be weekly for the next few weeks due to, well, life really. I'll try and update if I am able to, but there'll definitely be an update in 2-3 weeks. My apologies.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Apologies for the delay...
> 
> Triggers for Jamie, but how does he cope?

Amanda had discovered him retching in the toilet & had sent him home early, concerned that he was unwell. She’d called him a taxi as he was still so pale & he found himself back in his flat, still in shock. He was scared. He’d been discovered. That was his biggest fear. Someone had recognised him. What if they came back? What if they said something to everyone? What if they followed him home? What if they were still in touch with his father or knew where his father was? He staggered down the hall & collapsed into bed, only just kicking off his shoes before he curled up under the duvet. 

His head was spinning & he did what Josh had spent so long trying to stop him from doing. He shut down, blocking out all thoughts & curled up, burying himself under the duvet.

He woke to a dark & silent flat. Uncurling himself, he crawled out from the heat of his cocoon & glanced at the clock. It was gone 2am. He’d been asleep for over 8 hours. He stretched & forced himself to move, his bladder the trigger for his waking. He stumbled out to the bathroom & relieved his bladder, then after flicking on the hall light made his way to the kitchen. He hadn’t eaten in hours, but he wasn’t hungry. He made himself a cup of tea & sat at the kitchen table, drinking it slowly, trying not to think.

University lectures started the following day & he’d been looking forward to going back, looking forward to the routine of learning again, of being on campus every day. He’d missed it. Now though, he felt anxious, his confidence gone. That one man in the store had destroyed his fragile confidence, that’s how he felt. 

He drank his tea & wandered into his living room sat in the armchair & fired up his laptop. He opened his blog & started writing, a stream of consciousness about what had happened. Several hours later as dawn was beginning to lighten the sky he stopped. He sat still for a few moments, then sent the link by email to Josh. He hadn’t re-read what he’d written, just sent it off. He hadn’t given himself time to censor the words or stop himself.

He sat in the chair afterwards, laptop closed down & back on the coffee table with his legs hugged to his chest. It was always a cathartic experience writing stuff down, Josh had been right about that when he had suggested he do it nearly 18 months before. How long would he need Josh for? He frowned. One comment from a stranger had thrown him & had made him question everything. How long would he keep doing this for? Frowning again, he forced himself out of the chair & towards the shower. He had to go in to uni, pick up his lecture schedule, plus he had work later that afternoon. 

~  \- ~

Hours later he was struggling. His ridiculously early start had caught up with him & he was fighting the yawns & exhaustion. It had been good being back on campus. He’d bumped into a number of his course-mates & they’d gone to the bar. He’d only had one drink, only too aware that if he started he’d find it difficult to stop & because he had work later. He couldn’t afford to lose his job. Every-so-often the enormity of the debt he owed Henry & Chris raised its head & he had to fight to keep the panic under control.

He’d caught up on the gossip, taken new mobile numbers & had promised to go out with them later on in the week. Whether he would or whether he’d feign off ill was another matter. He’d done it. It was like he was deliberately trying to ignore the nagging anxiety in the back of his mind.

He was anxious going into work & he avoided the till, worried that that man would be back to harass him again. He didn’t try to get out of work, just was keen to fetch orders, sort out the stockroom. It was a reason to not be on the shop floor.

~ \- ~

Several weeks passed without incident & he’d been in to see Josh. Rather Josh had summoned him on receiving his email & link. He’d gone in & Josh had talked him through his fears & had congratulated him for telling him, rather than hiding from them or running from them. Whilst Josh had managed to alleviate his fears to some extent, he couldn’t help but worry. That said, he didn’t stop work & gradually his confidence returned when working on the shop floor.

Jamie had also started to notice a customer, one who was in pretty regularly ordering books or just browsing. Jamie had noticed him because the guy had smiled at him, causing him to blush & hurry away. He couldn’t help but notice that the guy watched him & would try & be served by him. His colleagues noticed too & Jennah found it cute, believing that he had a fan club & how she wished she had one that was that cute. 

What Jamie found odd was the unquestioning acceptance that he might be gay. Whilst they didn’t assume he was, they didn’t question him about it, just gently teased him. And once he got over the initial shock of being teased over it, he found not only that he could cope with it, but that he didn’t mind them teasing him.

It was early November, a month or more after the ‘whore’ incident & he & Michael were packing up the shop’s Halloween decorations & looking for the Christmas ones. Michael had been vociferous in his complaints to Amanda about Christmas decorations, but as she had pointed out, his job relied on sales & the boost Christmas gave them. They’d been humping boxes around the storeroom & it was dirty work. As they finished, Jamie realised he was covered in dust & nipped to the washroom to clean up before heading back out to the shop floor for the rest of his shift. He splashed cold water on his face & damped down his sweatshirt with a damp cloth, removing almost all traces of it. Then he headed out to the shop floor again.

Answering several customers’ queries about various books & showing another to the correct section of the shop, it was a while before he was back on the till. For a Thursday afternoon it was relatively quiet & he sat on the stool inputting various customer requests into their own book.

“Hello again.” Jamie looked up & found the blonde man in front of him, smiling.

“Uh, hi.” He paused. “Can I help you?”

“That depends” the man smiled at him. “You know you have a cobweb in your hair. It’s a bit late for Halloween isn’t it?”

“Uh…” Jamie stammered, hands running through his hair as he blushed. “Was putting the decorations away… Suppose some of it might have escaped.” The blonde laughed. “What can I do for you?”

“Well… I need a particular book, but…” he paused. “Name’s Ashley, Ash.”

“Hi Ash. Jamie.”

“Good to properly meet you Jamie… Wondered if you’d care to go & have coffee with me sometime?” Ashley watched Jamie’s eyes widen in surprise, then a blush appear in his cheeks that spread across the rest of his face.

“Uh… I… I…” Jamie stammered, lost for words.

“It’s fine, no need to answer straight away.” He smiled. “Well about that book my professor wants” Jamie managed to pull himself back together & take the details of the book that the professor wanted & as Ash was about to leave, he spoke again. “I’ll be coming back, so I won’t forget to get my answer.” He grinned at Jamie & left.

Jennah had witnessed the incident from the other end of the cash desk & came up to Jamie as Ashley walked away.

“He’s gorgeous J. You can’t let him get away.”

“I… I…”

“Jamie” she asked quietly “you are gay aren’t you?”

“I… I…” He shrugged. “Maybe.” He replied eventually. Jennah watched him carefully.

“Well, he seems like a nice guy. He’s certainly cute. Why don’t you give it a try?”

“Nnnot always that ssssimple Jen.” Jamie said quietly turning away & not seeing the confused frown that appeared on Jennah’s face.

“Won’t hurt to try” she said quietly to his retreating back, not sure if he actually heard her.

Jamie was thrown by the invite & whilst there was a tingle of something, maybe even attraction, there were also greater fears that emerged in his head. One of the reasons he found going out with folk from his courses were that it brought him into contact with people who potentially saw him as a sexual being. Even the thought of that terrified him. Girls had flirted with him & he’d been able to push them away, them getting the hint that he wasn’t interested as he wasn’t into girls. The odd guy had shown a flicker of interest too & he had baulked at that. He knew he was afraid. Afraid of what it meant. Afraid of going out with them & what it might lead to.

So there was something else he had to watch out for in the shop. The man who had called him a whore & now Ash who was wanting an answer to his question. 

Finally after managing to avoid him for over 2 weeks, Ashley was back. He grinned at Jamie as he spotted him behind the till & moved over to him quickly before he ran away. Jamie noticed the bright blue eyes glisten with mischief as they spotted him & his stomach flipped. He was a good looking guy & he was the kind of guy he had found himself looking at. Bit taller than him, dirty blonde hair & bright blue eyes, almost turquoise, they were so bright. 

Jamie sighed to himself & painted on a polite smile. He would try & stop the blush that he knew would appear as soon as he tried to speak with him, but he didn’t hold out much hope. He’d thought a lot about Ashley over the two weeks since he’d asked him out. Part of him wanted to say yes, but he was scared to. Ashley was a good looking guy, someone who could have anyone, probably did have anyone, so he would be experienced & want things from him that he wasn’t prepared to give, even if he was capable of it & he doubted that.

“So” Ashley said, smiling at him as he reached the till, “tracked you down at last. You’re a difficult man to find Jamie. You know that?” He smiled at him, eyes sparkling. Jamie licked his lips, his mouth suddenly dry. His eyes flicked down to Ashley’s lips which were full & he felt the blush start across his face.

“Sorry.” He said quietly. Ashley’s smile faltered as he saw a flash of fear on Jamie’s face.

“Hey, it’s fine. I’m only teasing.”

“Yyyeah I… I know.” Jamie replied, his nervous stammer flicking in. “How ccccan I hhhelp you today? Looking for anything in particular?” He heard Ashley sigh & watched as the smile faded.

“I was, but… So it’s a no?”

“I… I…”

“It’s alright Jamie.” He flashed a smile at him. “Don’t worry about it, but if you change your mind, the offer’s there ok?”

“Ok.”

“You been busy today?” Ashley asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah, build up to Christmas. Yyyou bought your gifts yet?”

“No! I’m a typical bloke. Leave it to the last minute. Thankfully my family are used to it now & I’ve got it down to a fine art.” He grinned again, some of the mischief returning to his eyes. “I reckon it focuses the mind, gives you less time to think so you just buy stuff & not worry about it. You?”

“No, not yet… Not many to buy, so…” He shrugged.

“Look,” Ashley said quietly. “I don’t mean to hassle you, but, if you’re interested, here’s my number. Give me a call & we’ll go out, but I’ll stop pressurising you. I won’t ask again, so you don’t have to avoid me in the shop.” He smiled, but again the sparkle from his eyes was gone.

“Thanks.” Jamie said equally quietly & there was definitely regret as he watched Ashley walk away.

~  \- ~

Christmas was nearly on them. Term had finished & again he’d done well, acing firsts for most of his essays. He’d even gone out a few times with a few people on his course & had been round to a student house for a party. 

The shop had been immensely busy & the Christmas tunes playing had been driving him mad, even his favourite ‘Fairy Tale of New York’ was wearing thin. He was working there nearly full time in the run-up to Christmas, the store was so busy & the new coffee shop that had opened up in store on the 2 nd floor had added more customers. It had also given Ashley more reasons to come in & he had done. He’d flirted with Jamie, making his interest clear, but he’d backed off, as if aware of Jamie’s anxiety on the issue. Jamie had spotted him having a drink with Jennah on a couple of occasions & he was suspicious, though he said nothing to Jennah about it. For all he knew they were on the same course or something.

The shop was open late until 9:00pm & he was on until closing. It had been a long shift & he’d seen Ashley in the store earlier with another guy & he’d tried not to watch or follow them. It was odd the feeling he felt, it was something he’d never experienced before. Jealousy. It distracted him for the rest of his shift, which seemed to drag on.

He was so distracted that he didn’t notice the man waiting for him outside as he began his walk home at just after 9:25. Didn’t notice him following him until he was grabbed from behind & pulled down the alleyway 2 doors down from the store, a hand over his mouth so he couldn’t scream. Not that he probably would have done. Fear reasserted itself, something he hadn’t felt it in over 2 years, but he remembered the feeling. Don’t scream, don’t fight. Safer that way. 

“Been watching you _whore_.” The man said, his voice close to his ear. “You didn’t even notice, did you? Too caught up in making out that you’re an honest citizen, instead of the whore we both know you are.” The grip tightened around his neck & Jamie didn’t move. “So whore, what you going to do for me first? You were a good tight fuck from what I remember. Won’t charge me this time though will you? You want to keep your job don’t you?” Jamie didn’t answer, the arm too tight around his neck & fear causing him to freeze. “I think down on your knees first. Know your place.” 

The man gripped him tighter & Jamie struggled to breathe. He was twisted round so he was facing the wall then the man let go of him & he slumped against it, only then to be kneed in the back of his legs so that they gave from under him. He fell to the floor & felt his head grabbed, his hair pulled, twisting his head so that he was held at a painful angle. “C’mon  _ whore _ . Suck. It’s all you’re  _ good _ for.” His body was being crowded into the wall & his head held at a painful angle, yet the man was still able to get his trousers undone.

“Jamie! Jamie! You down here? Jamie!”

“Ashley!” Jamie called, his voice hoarse. “Here... Help!” His voice growing in strength until he was pushed into the wall. He didn’t remember anything else until he opened his eyes & found himself looking into a pair of bright blue ones that were watching him as he spoke on a phone.

“His eyes are open now, yeah ok… Jamie? Jamie? Can you hear me?”

“Yyyeah…” He licked his lips, his mouth feeling dry. “What happened?”

“Yeah he’s conscious now… I can hear the sirens… Will do…” Ashley was still speaking into his phone as he watched him, unsure whether he could touch him.

The sirens were ear-splittingly loud now & the blue lights lit up the alley way, showing the filth & degradation he had once again sunk to. What had happened slowly came back to him & he flinched, paling at the memory. He threw up just as the ambulance crew arrived.

Ashley had travelled with him in the ambulance, much to Jamie’s chagrin & had asked various times if there was anyone he could call, his parents. He had refused, shaking his head. Finally in a cubicle, having been checked out & having been diagnosed with minor concussion, he was on his own. Some of the hospital staff had recognised him & had certainly done so from his records. He knew what they were thinking & knew how they were shaking their heads & questioning Henry & Chris’s sanity for taking in someone like him. 

He’d refused to call the police. He didn’t want that humiliation & he was sat there in his stained clothing waiting to be allowed to go home. He wasn’t sure whether Ashley was still there. He hadn’t been particularly kind to him & he wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d gone. He would have done if he’d been treated the way he’d treated him. After all, Ashley’s timely intervention had saved him from… He shuddered.

The curtain of the cubicle opened & Jamie flinched, retreating back in to the bed. It was Ashley, carrying two paper cups which steamed. “Thought you might like a cup of tea. There’s sugar in it. Apparently it’s good for shock.”

“Thanks.” Jamie said quietly, his hands shaking as he reached for the cup. “I didn’t think you’d still be here.”

“I couldn’t leave Jamie.” Jamie looked up at him, actually looking at Ashley’s face. It was only a brief glance, but it was enough to see the concern. “What happened Jamie?” Jamie looked down embarrassment & shame fighting to claim the trophy for the biggest feeling in his head.

“Hhhhe wwwas wwwaaiting fffor mmmee outside.”

“Who?”

“I… I… I don’t know.” His face was aflame. Ashley frowned. He didn’t think Jamie was lying to him, but he wasn’t telling him the whole truth either.

“He attacked you.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yyyyess.”

“Why not call the police then?”

“No!” The reaction was instant.

“Why not?” There was a lengthy pause before Jamie finally answered.

“Sssssomeone like me, they… They’re not interested in.” He said quietly.

“What do you mean...? Someone like you?” Jamie didn’t answer immediately. He shut his eyes & took a deep breath before he answered.

“You don’t want to know.” He paused. “Thank you for helping me. I… I… I knnnow wwwhat would’ve hhhhaappened if you hadn’t.” There was another pause. “But, you… You don’t want to know me Ashley…” He looked up, stopping Ashley’s reply. “You don’t. Spoiled goods…” He shut his eyes again & then reached to put his half empty cup on the side. “Thank you.”

Ashley knew he was being dismissed. It hurt to be pushed away, but he could see the level of anxiety it was causing him, so he nodded at him. “See you around Jamie. Look after yourself.”

“I’ll try.” 

Ashley almost missed the response as it was whispered as he was leaving. He didn’t know what to make of it. All he knew was that Jamie was hiding something, but it wasn’t something that made him want to back off. He’d seen the look of fear on his face as that man had towered over him, seen the look of complete relief when he realised it was Ashley leaning over him. There was something in that & Ashley was determined to find out what. He just knew that he couldn’t push it. Whatever the issue was, Jamie was scared. Scared of men.

~ \- ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: If able, and to make up for the delay in posting, I will try to post another chapter this weekend.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Finally an update! Sorry for the delay, but I hope you'll enjoy.
> 
> A bit of an intervention & some progress, then Jamie even attends a party.

Henry & Chris hadn’t found out until the following day. Henry had been told by a colleague in the hospital, asked if he was still in touch with ‘that young man they’d taken in’. He’d had a delegation after that. Henry & Chris sat on his/their sofa in his/their living room as they questioned him about what happened.

It had been humiliating to tell them that someone from his past had recognised him, had called him on being a whore. That he’d been watched & followed, that actually he was more than a little creeped out by it. To be fair to them, Chris & Henry had understood, but Jamie could tell they were upset he hadn’t called upon them.

“I wanted to… To stand on my own for once…” He ran his hands through his hair. “I can’t keep relying on you… It’s…”

“It’s what we’re here for Jamie, you know that.” Chris said sadly. She reached out her hand & took his hand. “We want to be here for you. Don’t you know that by now?”

“I… Yyyyesss, but…” He stopped. “I’m sorry.” He shut his eyes, “but can’t you see why I didn’t want you to know? I didn’t want anyone to know!”

“You need to go to the police Jamie.” Henry said quietly, his voice serious.

“And that’s another reason I didn’t tell you.” Jamie said. He sighed, pulling his hand away from Chris.

“It’s dangerous Jamie, what if that guy hadn’t have come along when he did.”

“Again” Jamie said quietly, frustration in his voice. “You think I’m not aware of that? How useless I am? How fucking pathetic I am that I can’t even…” He got up & walked out of the room. He knew they meant well, but the mention of the police had thrown him. He remembered their disinterest in him after the fire, after those men had… He shuddered. He knew they thought he was a whore & not worth it, so why would he put himself out there for more from them? The guy hadn’t really hurt him, just knocked him about a bit, bruised him. He’d had worse.

“Jamie?” Henry had followed him in the kitchen. “I’m sorry Jamie… That was insensitive of me… I’m sorry… It’s just concern, that’s all.”

“Yeah… I know.”

“Have you been to see Josh?” Henry asked after a pause.

“What in case I relapse?” 

“No… That’s not what I meant.”

“No, but it’s true though.”

“You’re not the same person you were.”

“But that’s the point Henry. I am. So much so, that men I have no recollection of fucking can come into my place of work & call me on what I was… And then, because they can, push me up against a wall & try & take it from me.” He sank into a kitchen chair, suddenly exhausted. “There’s no point going to the police… I can’t tell them, won’t tell them… I can’t.”

“One day?” Jamie shrugged. There was a lengthy pause & Chris came to the kitchen, taking a seat silently opposite him.

“Ashley, he asked me out…”

“Ashley?”

“The guy who frightened the man off, went with me to the hospital.”

“Oh… Oh, ok… Did you say yes?” There was another lengthy pause & Chris wasn’t sure whether she’d get an answer to her question.

“How can I say yes?” He whispered. “How can I?”

“Oh Jamie, love, of course you can say yes. You’re entitled to feel the same way as anyone else is.”

“But I can’t.” Jamie’s voice was a whisper. “It’s not normal is it? To not want someone to touch you? To be scared of what they may want from you?” He stopped. “So, it’s safer to say no.”

“To push everyone away forever?” Chris asked gently.

“If I need to, yes.”

“Have you spoken with Josh about this?”

“Yeah, a little.”

“And? What did he say?”

“To give it time, to take things slowly.”

“That’s good advice.”

“Yeah until I freak out or have some stranger call me a whore in front of the person who’s asked me out.” He shook his head. 

“Why not let… Ashley be the judge of that?”

“No.” A silence settled over them in the kitchen, the only noise the traffic from the road many metres away.

“Can I ask something?” Chris said quietly. Jamie nodded at her. “Will you talk to Josh about this? And will you tell us if something like this happens again?” She watched Jamie consider her request before he replied.

“I’ll try.”

“Thank you honey.” She took his hand & brought it to her lips, kissing it gently. “You are not the same person you were & that’s not because you were a bad person before… It’s just that now you have more confidence, are building a life… Don’t let this knock you back. We’re here, we’ll give you whatever support you need. You’re not on your own anymore, please don’t forget that honey.”

“I’ll try.”

~  \- ~

Christmas came & went & whilst it was so much better than it had been, it was still a strange time of year & one that Jamie found difficult. He had memories from being a kid, before all the shit began, of grandparents & trees & trifles & tinsel. And they weren’t bad memories. They’d never had much as a family, too poor & his father had drunk, but… He saw his sister, his mum & dad in them & it had been good, with laughter & kindness. He was confused as to where it had all gone wrong, why he was on his own, not part of the family now. Why he’d been treated the way he had.

So whilst Chris & Henry had tried, like they had for the previous 2 years, it just made him sad. And he knew that it upset Henry & Chris, that they were disappointed in him for not being able to push aside those feelings. Well that was his perception of it. 

If he was honest, he was glad to see the back of the whole season. 

He worked New Year’s Eve, staying behind to take down the Christmas decorations & sort out the displays of New Year related books. Diets, self-help, hobbies, new-year-new-you books. He had been glad to do it, keen to take his mind off Christmas. He’d had an appointment with Josh too. A lengthy one that had gone over the attack & touched on his confusion of feelings about Ashley. They’d discussed being more open too, not only with Josh, but with Henry & Chris & Jamie had confessed his guilt over making them worry & sad. But it was the thoughts about Ashley that had confused him most.

He hadn’t seen Ashley since he’d left him at the hospital & there was that nagging doubt in the back of his mind that he’d done something wrong. He guessed Ashley had gone home for Christmas, wherever that was, he had no clue after all, he’d never bothered to ask.

He’d had invites for New Year’s Eve & had been persuaded by Jennah to go to her house party. He wasn’t looking forward to it, too introverted to enjoy such events. Jennah had promised she would look after him & had said that in a way that he didn’t actually feel patronised by it. He’d also seen the relief on Henry & Chris’s faces that he had something to do, their fears of him being shut away in his flat unrealised. They didn’t know that’s actually what he’d have preferred.

~  \- ~

Jennah lived in modern flat not that far from the city centre. She shared it with several girlfriends, all of them university students like him. The party was going to be rammed, but Jennah had promised him that he had a spot in her bed for the night, instead of worrying about getting home. She told him that her room was the nominated ‘off limits’ room for the party, which meant that he could escape there if he needed to. Jamie was in no doubt that he would, but he appreciated her thoughts & didn’t take offence to them.

The party was already in full flow when he arrived, deliberately late at gone 10pm. The rooms were crowded & the music blared. He didn’t think the neighbours would be over-joyed. The door to the flat had been ajar so he’d let himself in, sidling into the flat hoping not to be noticed. A few colleagues from the shop were there, but mostly it was students from Jennah’s course. He recognised some of them from when they’d been into the shop to meet her.

Jennah grabbed his arm as soon as she spotted him. “You made it then?” She yelled over the top of the music.

“Yeah, said I would.”

“You did, didn’t mean you’d actually come though.”

“Aw Jennah, that’s not fair.”

“Maybe.” She grinned & leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He could smell the alcohol on her breath as she was close to him. She wrapped her arm around his waist, not noticing or ignoring the slight flinch at her touch. She was a 5ft 4” blonde bundle of fun Jennah, never took no for an answer & he recognised she was good for him. She never accepted his negativity & tried to push him beyond his comfort zone. He watched the smiles as she swept him through the living room into the kitchen. “What you drinking?”

“A beer’ll do.” He said plonking the bag of cans he’d brought with him on the kitchen table.

“There’s some cold ones in the bin over there” she said pointing at a black dustbin filled with icy water. “Delve around in there, see what there is & shove your lot in there.” He nodded & took his cans over to the bin, carefully dropping them in. He’d have to be careful with how much he drank. The temptation was always to drink a lot & he knew he shouldn’t. He found it difficult to stop if he got started on the vodka, so he’d stick to beer.

“C’mon, I’ll introduce you to folk.” She grabbed his hand, her other hand carrying a freshly filled beaker of wine & she pulled him back out in to the throng of the living room.

He’d survived. The party had died down, only the hard core left. He’d spent most of the evening holding Jennah’s hand, being introduced to her friends & smiling politely. He’d told them he was a student at the university & he’d answered a few questions about his course & the job at Waterstones, but other than that, he’d listened to them. He’d stuck to beer too, despite the offers of tequila slammers & vodka shots. He didn’t want to risk them. 

It was only after he’d been there an hour that he realised that Ashley had arrived. He felt his eyes on him from across the room & when their eyes had met, there’d been a tentative smile from him. Ashley had gone back to his conversation then, but Jamie had felt his eyes on him & a couple of times he’d looked up to find Ashley flicking his eyes away.

Just before midnight the TV was turned on & they’d watched the fireworks from London & Edinburgh, then the kissing had started. He’d retreated to the bathroom at that point. Not wanting anyone to get that close to him. He hid in there for 10minutes, hoping it would be over by the time he came out. He’d ignored a couple of bangs on the bathroom door. 

Finally he’d emerged & the party was continuing, music playing still. He searched out Jennah, finding her snogging a tall dark haired guy who he’d been introduced to at some point. He couldn’t remember his name though. He wandered back into the living room & debated whether he could sneak out. It wouldn’t take him that long to walk home & at least it didn’t appear to be raining. The cold & wet weren’t good for his leg & hip, but he’d manage.

He must have hovered too long, indecision leaving him exposed as his thoughts were interrupted. “Hi… Happy New Year Jamie.”

“Errr, yeah um, thanks. Happy New Year to you too.”

“So, how are you?”

“Good, thanks you?”

“Yeah… Good.” Ashley paused. “Want another drink?”

“Nnnno, bbbbetter not.”

“Oh. Ok.” There was a slight pause. “Look… I wondered, could we talk?”

“What about?” Jamie asked after an intake of breath & a short pause.

“I think… I think we should, erm… Clear the air?” Jamie was surprised. Ashley’s confidence wasn’t there, he seemed nervous.

“Yeah, ok.”

“Too noisy in here… I gather you have access to Jennah’s room?”

“Yeah I do…” Jamie cocked an eyebrow at him. “How do you know that?”

“Jennah of course.”

“You know her well.”

“Yeah, she’s great. Met her at a party last year, friend of a friend & we’ve kept in touch. She invited me tonight.”

“Oh.”

“She didn’t tell you?”

“No… I didn’t know you were friends, well, I’ve seen you talking in the shop, but...” He trailed off, not sure what more to say. They were in the hallway now, a bit quieter than the living room & Jamie pulled the key out of his jeans’ pocket & unlocked Jennah’s bedroom door. They went in & shut the door behind them.

“Shall I lock it? So no one else comes in?” Ashley asked. He saw a flicker of something he couldn’t quite define on Jamie’s face, then it was gone again. He left the door unlocked.

The room was stuffed full of all of Jennah’s crap & stuff from the other rooms that they hadn’t wanted broken. Extra chairs were piled on top of each other & there were boxes of plates & other breakables stacked in one corner. Jennah’s bed was clear, but there was no way Jamie was going to sit on that, especially as it was the furthest point from the door. 

He could feel his heart racing & he tried to tell himself to calm down. He sank to the floor, back against the wall by the door & shut his eyes, taking deep calming breaths as Josh had taught him to do when he felt the signs of a panic attack.

“You ok?” Ashley asked from across the room.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” He kept his eyes shut & continued his deep breathing until he felt his heart beat slow to a more normal tempo.

Watching him, Ashley could see the slight panic on his face & hear the deep breaths. He knew the signs of someone calming themselves, but he watched, saying nothing. Finally several minutes later, with only the deadened sounds of the party as the back drop, Jamie opened his eyes again. Ashley noticed how he avoided eye contact.

“So how was your Christmas?” Jamie asked.

“Good, family, you know how it is.”

“Yeah.”

“You?”

“Same really…” There was an uncomfortable pause. Then Jamie looked up at him. “I’m sorry I was rude to you in the hospital.”

“You weren’t rude… Just…” Ashley shrugged.

“Well, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, you were upset, I shouldn’t have pushed.” There was another pause. Jamie could feel Ashley watching him.

“I should thank you.” Jamie said quietly.

“What for?”

“Stepping in. You didn’t have to.”

“Anyone would have done it.”

“No. They wouldn’t.” Jamie replied with assurance.

“Well, there’s no need to thank me.” He paused, tilting his head slightly. “What happened?” He heard Jamie’s sigh, then watched as Jamie screwed his eyes shut & rubbed his hands over his face. “Did you know him?”

“No!”

“Ok,” Ashley said, holding his hands out in front of him, placating the vehemence of that word.

“It’s complicated.” Jamie said finally.

“You don’t have to tell me, but I’d like you to.”

“It’s… I…” Jamie stuttered at him. They were interrupted by the handle on the bedroom door being pushed down & it opening to a couple snogging their way into the room. They broke apart as the guy tripped on Jamie’s legs & they stopped, finally seeing Jamie & Ashley.

“Sorry guys, didn’t realise the room was taken.”

“Yeah, well it is. Sorry.” Ashley said, faking a cheerful grin. “See you later.” The couple nodded & backed out the door.

“Sure you don’t want to lock it?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“You were going to tell me about that night.” He watched as Jamie retreated, raising his knees to his chest & wrapping his arms around his knees protectively.

“Yeah, I was…” He paused. “People don’t know this about me, so if you value anything about me, please don’t say anything to anyone.”

“Of course Jamie, no need to ask that.”

“There is…” He rested his chin on his knees & shut his eyes again, taking a deep breath. “My past isn’t a good one, I… Well, I…” He stopped & licked his lips. “There’s a lot of baggage I carry around with me. My therapist tells me I’ve made progress, but sometimes it’s hard to see that. I have panic attacks & I find people difficult to deal with…” He stopped, taking a deep breath he spoke again. “I was homeless for 8 months & I was in an accident… Compound fracture on my leg, it’s why I limp, dislocated hip & shoulder & broke my arm… I don’t see my ffffffaaamily. Hhhhaven’t in a long tttime… There’s things I’ve done, been done to me that I’m not proud of.” He paused, licking his lips. “As I said to you in the hospital Ashley, I’m spoilt goods.”

“You shouldn’t say that about yourself J.” 

Jamie noticed how he used that name for him again. He liked it. 

“We all carry baggage of different shapes & sizes, I guess yours is just more difficult to get around at the moment.” He paused. “I’m not asking for you to jump into bed with me J” he noticed the eyes widen in fear, “I’m asking that you get to know me.” He smiled. “I like you. I think you like me. I’d like us to be friends J. That’s all, no pressure.” He smiled again. “I’m not gonna lie to you, I think you’re gorgeous & I’d kiss you if you let me, but I want to be your friend…” His laughter broke into his words. “God that sounds so childish & such a cliché!” He smiled again. “It is true though.” Smiling, he asked. “What do you say?”

“You want to be friends?”

“Yeah.” He paused. “Not gonna lie, I’d like more, but yes, I want to be a friend J.”

“And what do we do as ‘friends’?”

“The kind of things friends do, get to know each other, hang out, go to the pub, talk… I dunno, go to the cinema?” He smiled. “Anything & everything really.”

“You won’t…”

“What?”

“Try it on?” Jamie asked, blushing.

“No, not unless you want me to.” He smiled & waggled his eyebrows comically. “You are gay aren’t you? My gaydar hasn’t gone & fucked up has it?”

“No.” Jamie said, his voice a whisper. “I think I’m gay.”

Those words, ‘think I’m gay’ hit home to Ashley. Maybe he’d pushed Jamie when he wasn’t ready, when he was only just out. Maybe he was a virgin, inexperienced. But that didn’t sit right, didn’t match his words about being spoilt goods. He pondered those words as he walked home an hour later. They’d agreed to meet up for coffee on the 2nd, and if he was honest Ashley couldn’t wait. He was intrigued by Jamie & he couldn’t help but think he was gorgeous. It was going to be difficult to just be friends, but he’d give it a go & he never knew, if he was lucky, maybe, just maybe Jamie would see him in a different light. The way he felt Jamie’s eyes watching his lips or assessing his body gave him hope. He just needed time.

~ - ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Apologies for the delay, though updates should be be back on track for weekly now - at the weekend, either a Friday, Saturday or Sunday.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Jamie goes on an almost date & resolutions begin to make a difference.

Jamie waited nervously in the café they had agreed on. They’d swapped mobile numbers the other night & Ashley had sent him a text suggesting a time & place & he’d agreed. He had gotten there early, wanting to be able to choose a seat so he could escape if need be. Drinking a cup of tea, he waited patiently for Ashley to arrive.

“Hey.” Ashley said, smiling as he slipped into the chair opposite him. “You ok?” Jamie nodded. “Want another drink?”

“Erm, just another ordinary tea, if that’s ok.”

“No probs. Won’t be long.” Jamie watched Ashley slide out of his thick winter jacket & head up to the counter. He was wearing dark jeans that fitted him perfectly, a shirt & dark grey jumper. The shirt matched his bright blue eyes. Jamie tutted to himself, why was he noticing these things about a friend? Why was he watching his arse? Lost in these slightly unsettling thoughts he didn’t notice Ashley return until his mug of tea was placed in front of him.

“Penny for them.”

“Huh? Oh… Sorry. Drifted off.” Jamie blushed. “Thanks for this.” He nodded at the mug.

“No problem, next one’s on you.” He smiled. “So, what time did the party finish the other night?”

“Jennah told me the last stragglers drifted off about 5.” He paused. “Didn’t see ‘em mind, had crashed out by then.”

“You stop over?”

“Yeah, Jennah was insistent.”

“She’s like that. If she wants you to do something, she’s like a dog with a bone.” Ashley grinned. There was a slight pause in the conversation. “You live local?”

“Got a flat in Mablethorpe.”

“Wow. Cool area that.”

“Yeah, it’s nice.”

“All to yourself?”

“Yeah… I… Yeah, just me…” Ashley could tell he was struggling whether to say something, but he decided not to push. He’d tell him if he could. “What about you?”

“Me? Share a house with three others. Typical student house, though it’s better than some. My room’s nice, especially compared to some. Been there 2 years now.” He smiled. “Share with one of Jennah’s friends actually, that’s how we met. You know universities, they may have 12000 plus students, but it’s a small connected world.” 

“They all male your housemates?”

“No, there’s me & Luke, then 2 girls Megan & Sarah. Never go for an all-boys house. Far too messy, smelly & you’ll never get any work done.” He grinned again. “Been there, done that! Never again.” He took a sip from his drink. “So, what about you, how come you live in the posh area?” He watched a slight flinch across Jamie’s face & a hesitation. “It’s ok, you don’t need to say.”

“Nnnno, it’ssss ffffine.” Jamie replied. Ashley wasn’t convinced. He noticed how Jamie always seemed to stammer when he was nervous or anxious about saying something. 

Jamie put down his mug of tea & pushed it aside slightly. He wanted to tell Ashley, but he was unsure how much to tell or how to go about it.

“I rent off Henry & Chris.” He started. “Henry’s an A&E consultant. I met him when I was admitted to hospital…” He paused. Did he explain about all the times he’d been admitted?

“Was that after your accident?”

“Sort of…” Jamie paused. “I told you I was homeless?” Ashley nodded. “I was admitted a few times before the accident & I met him then. He treated me each time.”

“Treated you? What was wrong?” Jamie looked away, a flush appearing on his skin.

“I… I… Pneumonia on one occasion… Different problems the other times.” He said quietly.

“Oh, ok.” Ashley nodded, realising that Jamie didn’t want to say.

“After the accident, he & wife Chris offered me a place to stay… They realised I was… hhhhomeless &…” he shrugged. “They offered me a chance.” He took a gulp of tea, as if it were giving him courage. “I owe them a lot.”

“Can I ask, why were you homeless J?” There was a pause before Jamie answered.

“No… not yet. One day maybe.”

“Ok, when you’re ready.”

“Not sure that’ll ever happen.” Jamie smiled sadly. “Josh, my therapist tells me it’s good to talk, but you know, sometimes it just leads to more questions I’m not ready for.” He shrugged again. Shutting his eyes briefly, he let out a puff of breath & then lifted his eyes to look at Ashley. It was only brief, but Ashley melted under the full gaze of his eyes. “So, what are you studying? Something to do with physics?”

“Yup, that’s right! I’m going to be the next Stephen Hawkings.” He smiled again, finding the thought hilarious. “No seriously, I’m doing my PhD, I have a degree in Astrophysics, but my PhD is in an aspect of Cosmology, hence my Stephen Hawking comparison.” He paused. “I won’t bore you with the details, but I’m investigating how galaxies form & whether there’s a pattern to it.”

“A lot of maths in that isn’t there?”

“Yeah, my thing I guess, always has been. Bit of a geek at school.” He paused for dramatic effect. “Imagine – thick blonde hair that your mother was reluctant to cut, bottle top glasses, hand-me-down clothes, interested in maths & space. Oh & gay.” He paused. “Your average Mr Popular at school!” He snorted, a laugh that was not quite full of mirth.

“You do alright now.”

“Contact lenses. Blind as a bat without them.” He smiled. “Good to know you noticed.” Jamie blushed.

“What about you? Family?” He saw Jamie freeze immediately & he knew instantly that he’d trodden on dangerous ground. “Sorry, just being nosey.”

“It’s ffffine…” He stopped & drank the rest of his tea. “I just don’t see them now.”

“Oh, right, ok. Sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, thanks” Jamie replied, his voice distant.

“Can you ride a bike?” Ashley asked, deliberately changing the subject.

“Haven’t done in years, why?” Jamie replied, confused.

“Wondered if you’d be up for a bit of trail biking. I love it. There’s a course on the city outskirts, heads out in to the hills & there’s trees & stuff. You get great views of the city.” He paused. “Would you be up for it?”

“I don’t know… I… I don’t have a bike for a start.”

“I have a spare.”

“I’d need to practice.”

“Not a problem. You’d need to wrap up warm as well. How about you come round on Saturday & give the bike a try? There’s a bunch of us that go, so it wouldn’t just be me.” Ashley paused. “They’re all different abilities too. Might be fun?”

“Yeah, ok.” Jamie paused. “It’s a resolution to try & be more adventurous.” He shrugged. “Yeah, ok.” His voice sounded more enthusiastic. 

“Have got some spare kit, knee pads, helmet etc that you can borrow, save you laying out the cash.”

“Thanks.” 

“It’ll be good.” Ashley’s voice was full of enthusiasm. “I warn you though, not even rain puts us off. We’re hard core man!” Jamie laughed. It was a lovely sound, something that Ashley hadn’t heard a huge amount. He smiled at him. If it were possible, he found himself becoming more & more attracted to him. Ashley knew he shouldn’t, that he should be careful, but Jamie was delightful. He seemed so young & innocent in many ways & it was like Ashley was opening up doors to him.

They parted company an hour or so later, Ashley’s parting words being to wrap up warm & to eat more as he’d need the energy. Jamie felt excited. He was doing something new, different & he couldn’t help but like Ashley, or Ash as he insisted. His enthusiasm was infectious & he didn’t remember having laughed so much in years.

~  \- ~

It became a regular thing, an excursion with the trail bike club to the circuits on the outskirts of the city. Between 12 & 17 regulars piled into a minibus which pulled a trailer with the bikes & headed out to the circuit, which lay about 2miles out of the city. They were a nice bunch & not all men, plus there were a mixture of ages. Whilst Jamie had remembered how to ride a bike, at first riding the trails he was exhausted & couldn’t keep up with the others. Ash teased him about his stamina & he agreed. Whilst he was a lot better than before, he was still on the thin side & did still forget to eat.

Jamie also didn’t like to make a fuss of the fact that the uneven ground really aggravated his hip at times, especially if it were cold or damp. He didn’t say anything for several months, but eventually, after a particularly gruelling ride in a constant drizzle in late March, he had to give up riding & he limped back to the start & the van & trailer to wait for the others to finish.

“Hey, you alright?” Ash asked as he came speeding in on his bike.

“Yeah, I’m ok. Just my hip.”

“You didn’t fall off did you?”

“No Ash! Am better than that now.”

“Yeah, I know. Just saw you limping. Mike said you were limping too.”

“It’s my hip.” Jamie said quietly. “Remember I said I had an accident a few years ago?” Ash nodded at him. “Well I badly dislocated it & I cracked it. There’s a metal plate in there holding it together & there’s another metal screw my leg.” He pointed at his lower left leg.

“Jesus! How did you manage that?”

“Hit by a van.”

“No wonder you’re sore man.” Mike said as he cycled up. “You sure you should be doing this?”

“Yeah, checked it out with a doctor & she said it was good for me.”

“Well you rest up when you need to then.”

“I intend to.” He nodded, sighing slightly as he rested against the van. “The cold & damp doesn’t help, that’s all.”

The others rode in over the next 10minutes & as was the tradition, they headed to a nearby pub. Those that could drive the minibus taking it in turns to be the designated driver. 

It was good to be part of a group of people who accepted him without question. They were mostly students, a few graduates who hung about with the club & many of them post-grads. They were an open bunch too, fully aware that there were gay & lesbian members of the group & not making any issue of it. It just was.

~ \- ~

Jamie found himself more & more confused about Ash. If he wasn’t at work in Waterstones, in lectures or the library for his uni work, or at the occasional session with Josh, he was with Ash. He texted Ash a lot too, things he found amusing. And Ash did the same. They met up with friends on campus if they were both able to & went to the cinema together. Jamie realised that he & Ash had become friends, but, he wondered if it were normal to have salacious thoughts/dreams about a friend. When he did have those thoughts, he shut them down, terrified by what they might mean.

He’d spoken to Josh about Ashley & he knew that Josh was pleased by the social circle that went with him. He’d also spoken about how he sometimes had sexual thoughts about Ash, but was scared. When picked apart, he knew he was scared of not only sex & the possibility of sex with Ash, but also messing it up & risking losing someone who he now considered a friend.

Jamie also felt guilt. Guilt that he wasn’t being totally honest with Ashley. Would Ash still think the same of him if he knew his history? Josh didn’t exactly encourage him to tell him, but he did suggest that perhaps the only way he could find answers to that was to be honest. Josh pointed out that a true friend would not be disgusted by his past.

~ \- ~

Exams were over for the academic year & the summer holidays stretched ahead in front of him. He was going to be working more hours in Waterstones & for the first time, he had a circle of friends who he would be seeing as many of them didn’t go home for the holidays. 

The fresh air & regular exercise of the trail biking had had an enormous impact on Jamie. His usually frail, skinny body had filled out & he had muscles & definition in places he’d never dreamed of having them before. He almost saw past the scars, saw that actually he wasn’t as ugly as he sometimes felt inside. His medication had been reduced as he had been stable for a long time & he continued to see Josh at least once a month, still communicating via his blog if necessary in-between. Jamie had the strange feeling of almost feeling normal. It wasn’t as if he had forgotten his past, but he was almost able to live with it. 

Henry & Chris were delighted by the changes & regularly told Jamie how proud of him they were. They made it clear that they were there for him for good & that would never change. To have that unqualified, unconditional support was at times over-whelming. Jamie wondered why his own parents couldn’t have been like it.

Term was finishing & as the exams were over & some were graduating, there were more & more opportunities for going out. Jamie regularly went to the pub, went out with a groups of people who were mix of his course & other friends. Of course Ashley was nearly always there & some of their friends were speculating about their relationship, though they did it behind Jamie’s back, fearful of how he’d react. They were all only too aware how sensitive he was on the topic of family, relationships, sex. They didn’t know why, they didn’t know much about him.

~ \- ~

It had been an unseasonably hot spell, temperatures reaching in to the late 20s & even hitting the odd 30 degrees. Term was all but over & a large group of them had decided to go out to one of their favourite pubs which had a large beer garden with a stream running through it. Some of them were leaving for the summer & it was their last big night out. The sun had only just gone down & Jamie was only on his second pint. He never drank a huge amount, knowing the temptation it would lead to & also worried where the lack of control would leave him. Last time he’d woken up with a cracked skull, smashed leg & arm.

“C’mon Jamie, drink up.”

“No, I’m good.”

“You always say that!” Andy replied. “Won’t hurt to have another you know.”

“It’s ok, I’m not stopping you.”

“Spoilsport.”

“No…” Jamie replied frowning. Andy was only saying this now because he was drunk, but was that what they all thought? “It’s not that. I just… I just don’t drink too much anymore.”

“Any more?”

“You used to?” David, another of the group asked.

“Yeah…” Jamie paused taking another sip of his pint. “Last time I was really drunk I woke up in hospital with a cracked skull, smashed hip & arm, so…” he shrugged.

“Jesus! What happened?” Andy asked. Jamie could see a lot of them were listening including Ashley who was standing on the edge of the group.

“I was hit by a van.”

“That why you limp occasionally?” Jennah asked. Jamie blushed.

“Yeah.” He had hoped that people hadn’t noticed.

“So… Anyone up for a club?” Ashley asked, stepping forward & deliberately changing the subject as he recognised Jamie’s discomfort.

“What’s open? It’s a Thursday & most of the student nights have finished for the term.” Andy said as the group’s focus was turned away from Jamie.

“Shitzys is still open” Jennah piped up. This was met by a communal groan.

“The music there is shit…”

“Yeah, hence the name Jen!” Jennah huffed.

“Well I don’t know what else is on tonight, most have finished.”

“What about Clandons?” Megan piped up, she was going out with John who had his arms wrapped round her.

“That’s a gay club isn’t it?” David asked.

“Yeah, it is. It’s good though, been there a few times.” Jennah said. She smiled at Andy & Dave “it’s alright boys, I’ll protect your virtue.” They laughed.

“It’s fine by me” Andy said grabbing Jennah & pulling him to her, “I’m secure in my sexuality!”

“Dave? Can you cope with a club full of gay guys?” Dave shrugged at Megan’s question.

“Dunno. Can always leave can’t I? Not as if I’m interested. It sells beer right?” This was greeted by laughter.

“Yes David, it sells beer.” Megan said between her laughter.

“Who’s up for Clandons then?” John asked. He looked round at the group as Ashley, Megan, John, Sarah, Andy, Dave & Jennah all put up their hands. “What about you Luke?”

“Nah, told you mum & dad are coming early tomorrow morning so I promised them it wouldn’t be a late one.”

“How early’s early?” Dave asked.

“They usually arrive about 8am.” Luke said with disgust in his voice. “Reckon I’m a cuckoo in that nest. They all seem to love mornings & I hate ‘em!” He sighed. “So as I’ve got to spend a large part of the next 2 months with them & working with dad, I’d better not start it off on a bad note. Sorry guys.”

“Chicken” Andy coughed, which caused the group to laugh.

“What about you Jamie?” John asked.

“Erm… Don’t know… Don’t really go to clubs.”

“Really?” Sarah asked as Jamie felt all their eyes swing back to him & he almost flinched at the attention.

“It would be good if you came with us Jamie.” Jennah said, moving over to him. She always was protective of him, deflecting attention away if she could. “I’ll be there.” She whispered.

“Is it pricey to get in?”

“Nah, fiver I think.” Ashley said.

“You know it Ash?” John asked.

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I know every bloody gay club in this city!”

“Didn’t mean it like that Mr Defensive.” John said.

“No, I know… Haven’t been in months.” Ash shrugged. “Last time I went think it was a fiver.”

“How come you’ve not been in such a long time?” Sarah asked.

“I dunno! Do all gay men have to go clubbing or something? Is it a law?” There was an element of exasperation in his voice & Jamie caught his eye, telling him to calm it. Ash nodded at him in reply.

“Ooooh, touchy! You need to get laid Ash.” Sarah replied.

“Fuck off Sarah!” It wasn’t said with force, but the message was clear – butt out.

“So are we going then?” Megan asked, changing the subject.

~  \- ~


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Jamie goes clubbing and things heat up between him & Ash leading to a confession. Warning - some discusion of abuse.

The club was a good 10minute walk from the pub & after saying good bye to Luke, they drank up & made their way down the streets towards the club. It was still a really warm night & there were plenty of locals out making up for the fact that most of the students had headed home for the summer. As they neared the club, Jamie felt his stomach twist. He hadn’t ever been in a club & to be surrounded by men who would be dancing with each other, kissing each other… He shivered, unsure how he could cope with it.

The entrance fee was still a fiver & as they filed in, the heat & noise hit them. Heading straight to the bar, John, Andy & Dave got the drinks in whilst the others stood at a table over-looking the dance floor. Jamie watched the men on the dance floor. And it was mostly men, many of them were shirtless with some serious grinding going on between some of them. Scattered amongst them were some women, but the main throng on the floor was made up of men. The smell of dry ice covered the smell of sweat & testosterone which came off the floor in waves. The public smoking ban had had the unintended consequence of smellier clubs. Whereas once-upon-a-time your clothes came out reeking of smoke, now there was another odour that accompanied them, which wasn’t exactly pleasant. Perhaps it was the heat that was making it worse.

“You alright?” Ash asked as he slipped in beside Jamie to stand next to him.

“Yeah… Just never been anywhere like here before.”

“If it gets too much, just say.” Jamie turned to look at him & smiled.

“Thanks Ash, but I think I’ll be ok.” Their eye contact lingered & Ash’s pupils flared. What he was looking at was the reason he hadn’t been clubbing in so long. And yeah, Sarah was right, he did need to get laid, his hand just wasn’t doing it for him anymore. But the person he was interested in was delicate & it was fine line he was walking. Looks like they’d just given each other though, well those didn’t help the twitch in his cock.

Megan, Sarah & Jennah had gone out to the dance floor, finding a space on the edge where they could join the throng but not be in the centre of it. John & the others were happy to watch & drink their beers, occasionally pointing something out & chatting to each other. Jamie had stopped drinking though. Thirsty he called to Ashley that he was going to the bar. “Want anything?”

“Nah, I’m good thanks.”

“Ok, be back in a bit.” Ash wondered momentarily whether he should accompany him to the bar, but instead settled on watching him go. Jamie was oblivious to the hungry glances he received & watched as several men tried to stop & talk to him. He watched as politely, Jamie brushed them off & continued to the bar. Still watching him, he saw another guy sidle up beside him, running his hand over Jamie’s backside & leaving a hand there. He observed Jamie side-step away, then turn & talk to the man who had touched him. Ash couldn’t tell what they were saying, but he could read clear interest in the other man’s face.

“You should tell him.” Andy said quietly.

“Huh?”

“You’re watching him. You should tell him how you feel.” Ashley turned his gaze away from Jamie & focussed on Andy in front of him.

“I kind of already have.”

“So? What is he? A cock tease?”

“No. It’s not like that.” He frowned. “Don’t know what it is, but…” He sighed. “There is interest there, I can feel it, but he’s… Oh I dunno.” He sighed again. “It’s complicated I guess.”

“Is he out?”

“Yes, sort of.”

“Family issues?”

“I don’t know Andy, I wish I did… There’s a lot of baggage there &… And you know what he’s like. It’s like getting blood from a stone at times with him isn’t it?” Andy nodded at him & they both watched as Jamie politely (it seemed from the distance they were) told the man at the bar to leave him alone, whilst he waited for his drink.

~  \- ~

Jamie wasn’t oblivious to the looks he got. He was good at reading men, had been since he was 13 years old. He was able to read lust & interest in their faces, bodies well & could usually tell which ones were dangerous. 

He was torn standing in a gay club. Part of him wanted to let go, to kiss Ash’s full lips to touch him, dance with him. He was envious of the freedom of those men on the dance floor, who could touch each other, grind against each other with no qualms. But that just wasn’t him as the other part of him was terrified. What would happen if he let go? It would hurt. Sex had always hurt.

He thanked the barman for the pint of iced water & headed back to Ash & the others. He felt bad about Ashley. He knew he should have been off enjoying himself, getting off with someone, but he wasn’t. Instead he’d offered him friendship & security. He sighed, then taking a drink from his glass of water, stepped back beside Ashley.

~  \- ~

It was getting late, the club was packed & Ash hadn’t left Jamie’s side. The others had drifted off, John, Megan & Sarah had already headed home & Andy was leaving with Jennah, taking Dave with them. "Do you want to go too?” Ashley asked as Andy & Jennah said they were leaving. Jamie shrugged.

“I don’t mind. You happy to stay?”

“Yeah, if you are.”

“Stay then?”

“Ok.” Ashley grinned stupidly at him.

So it was the two of them left, both were not drinking, just standing watching the crowd. As the others were now gone, more men were watching them both & had approached them. Ashley was slightly galled to note that Jamie got more admiring glances & advances than he did. Finally after Ash had flirted with, but ultimately refused another offer, Jamie spoke.

“Why don’t you, you know… go dance with one of them?” Ashley halted, then turned slowly to face him & looked him in the eyes, making Jamie’s lower.

“Because J, there’s only one man I’m interested in in here & he’s stood in front of me.” He heard Jamie’s breath hitch & he stepped closer. “Can I kiss you?” Jamie’s eyes darted upward then away again as a blush spread across his skin. “God, you’re beautiful. I’d really like to kiss you.”

“Ok.” Jamie whispered.

Ashley took a deep breath to calm his nerves then he stepped forward & brushed his lips across Jamie’s. He stopped, but didn’t step back, then pressed his lips more firmly against Jamie’s, feeling their softness & heat. He didn’t push, didn’t press for more, just littered his lips with light kisses. He was desperate for more though & the twitch in his groin was certainly making itself felt.

“I’ve wanted to do that so many times.” Ashley said quietly as he moved his lips away. Jamie raised his eyes to his & smiled, though he could see the anxiety there. “Can I kiss you again? I think it’s addictive.” Jamie huffed a laugh & this time pressed his lips against Ashley’s surprised to find that Ashley’s mouth opened, inviting him in. He licked at Ash’s lips, then flicked his tongue in & out. The feeling was over-whelming & so were the groans that Ashley was making.

“You’re gonna make me cum in my pants if you keep doing that.”

“Sorry.” Jamie said, instantly pulling away.

“It’s not a bad thing J.” Ashley smiled, pulling Jamie back closer to him, relishing being able to hold him, touch him. He’d wanted it for so long. “Want to dance?”

“Ummm…”

“Just move with me, I’ll hold you.” It was as if Ash had read his mind. He couldn’t dance, had never danced.

“Ok.” Ash took Jamie’s hand & lacing their fingers together & pulled him towards the dance floor.

They moved hand-in-hand onto the dance floor, Ashley pushing ahead leaving space for Jamie to follow him. Ashley stood in front of him & looked Jamie in the eye. “Can I hold you?”

Jamie nodded & Ashley stepped in closer, wrapping his arms around his waist, pulling Jamie to him. He could feel how tense Jamie’s body was, so he kissed him again, then ran his lips down his chin & neck, letting his tongue caress him. He rested his chin on Jamie’s shoulder & let their bodies touch. He couldn’t hide his hard-on from him though.

Ashely guided them, moving their bodies in time with the music, whilst not letting them move apart. He couldn’t believe that finally he had Jamie in his arms.

They danced for 2 tracks before he felt Jamie pulling away. If he were honest, Ashley would have held on all night if he could, but he saw & felt that Jamie needed to stop. “Can we go?” Jamie asked. Ashley nodded & keeping their hands linked led him off the dance floor.

Outside the club, the air was cooler than inside, but still ridiculously warm. They’d dropped hands as they’d left the club, but Jamie still wanted that contact, he wasn’t ready for the evening to end. They stood awkwardly unsure of the next move & Jamie knew it was up to him. He shut his eyes briefly, building up the courage. “Want to come back to mine? Just… Just for a drink.”

“Yeah, that would be great.” Ashley said smiling. He knew what a big deal this was. In the 7 months they’d known each other as friends, he’d never had an invite back to Jamie’s place & didn’t think anyone else had either.

“Cab or walk home?” Jamie asked.

“Don’t mind. How far is it?”

“Take about 20minutes if we walk.”

“Your hip ok?” Ashley asked quietly.

“Yeah, it’s ok.” He sighed. “Come on. I want a drink.”

~ \- ~

They walked in silence for the first few minutes, the streets quiet as it was gone 2:30am on a Thursday night. They walked close together, their shoulders touching, but it wasn’t until they reached the leafy suburban streets of Mablethorpe that they linked hands again. It was like Jamie wanted that reassuring touch. They had chatted on the walk home, about the club, about whether Andy & Jennah would ever get it together, but they hadn’t talked about what was going on between them. 

They reached the large Edwardian house that Chris & Henry owned & they walked past the Mercedes on the gravel drive, their shoes crunching as they headed to Jamie’s front door. “Nice place.” Ashley said quietly as he looked up at the house.

“My flat’s in the basement. Chris & Henry live above.” Jamie said keeping his voice low, unlocked the door & stepped in, holding it for Ashley. The door snicked shut & Jamie found himself pressed against the wall as Ashley stepped up in front of him. His mouth was covered with Ash’s & he opened to let him in, to let him control the kiss. It went on & on until they were both breathless.

“I love kissing you.” Ashley whispered, leaving another trail of kisses down his jaw & neck. 

Jamie arched his body into the touch & realised that he was as hard as Ash who he could feel pressed against him. They rubbed against each other as they began kissing again, Ashley’s hands pushing up under Jamie’s shirt, touching his skin, fingers flicking over his nipples. Jamie arched into the touch again & again, kissing Ash back equally as passionately. He’d never felt anything like this & it was too much as they continued to rub their groins against each other, he let out a sharp breath & came in his briefs.

Embarrassed, he pushed Ashley away & walked away down the corridor towards the kitchen.

“J? Jamie?” Ashley fought for his control, so close he’d been too to orgasm. “J?” He followed Jamie down the corridor & found him washing his face & hands under the cold tap in the kitchen. “J? You ok?”

“Drink?” Jamie asked, his voice shaky.

“Coffee?” Jamie nodded & flicked the kettle on before reaching into the cupboard for a couple of mugs. 

“J, are you going to talk to me?” Ashley asked quietly, his breathing back to normal. “What happened out there?”

“I’d have thought that was obvious.” Jamie replied without looking at him.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Nnnno.” Ashley watched as Jamie rested both his hands on the counter & shut his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before he spoke again. “It was good Ash… I… It’s…” He stopped, made himself a cup of tea & Ashley a cup of coffee, bringing the mugs over to the kitchen table before fetching the milk & sugar. “Sit down, please. I will talk to you, but… I need… I need to change Ash.” He gestured at his groin, giving Ashley a clue as to what had freaked him out. “I’ll be back in a minute, then… Then we’ll talk.” He paused, still not looking directly at Ashley. “There’s a lot I need to say to you & I need to say it before I back out.” 

He didn’t wait for a response, but left the room heading for his bedroom. He shut his bedroom door, then stripped off his shirt & jeans, before stepping out of his spoiled briefs. He dropped them distastefully on the floor, then wiped himself down with his shirt. He pulled on a clean pair of briefs & a pair of thin cotton pyjama bottoms & a vest. Picking up the dirty clothes, he dumped them in the dirty washing basket in the bathroom before giving himself a quick wash down. He sloshed more cold water on his face & looked at his reflection in the mirror, something he didn’t often do.

Several minutes later, he walked back into the kitchen & sat in a chair opposite Ashley & added milk & one sugar to his tea. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“It’s ok.” Ashley said quietly. “I didn’t mean to push you J.”

“You didn’t… You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to, but…” He stopped. “I have some things to tell you about me.” He paused. “Whatever you decide after I tell you, I want your assurance that you won’t tell anyone what I’ve told you. If you decide to walk away, that’s fine, but please, I’m begging you, don’t tell anyone.”

“I wouldn’t J, not if you ask me not to.”

“Yeah well, you don’t know what you’re agreeing to.”

“If you’re asking me not to tell, I won’t.”

“Thank you.” Jamie paused, took a few sips from his mug of tea then a few deep breaths, as if fortifying himself. “I don’t know quite how to tell you what I’m going to tell you, it’s… It’s not easy to tell anyone what happened to me…” He paused, briefly shut his eyes then started talking. 

~ \- ~

“About 3 & a half years ago, when I was 20 I was rescued from a burning flat by firemen. I was chained by the ankle & I couldn’t escape. One of the firemen had to take a fire axe to the chain otherwise I would have suffocated in the smoke… My heart stopped in the ambulance & I spent two weeks I think in hospital. I was very weak... It was the first time I met Henry.” He paused & Ashley realised he couldn’t ask questions.

“When I was released from hospital I had nowhere to go, I was given a list of hostels & shelters in the city, some clothes & shoes from lost property, but basically I was on my own… I’d been kept against my will in the flat… Made to work.” He shut his eyes, letting those words sink in. It was several minutes before he spoke again. “I was homeless, no money & nowhere to go. I did what I had to survive.” He looked up at Ashley briefly. “Do you understand what I’m saying Ashley? I…”

“It’s ok, J, I understand… There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Yeah, there is Ashley. I didn’t want to do it…” He shuddered. “I slept in doorways, multi-storey car parks, on benches, in the park… I… I earned money, enough to buy food every-so-often, condoms when I couldn’t get them free & vodka. I drank a lot. It’s why I don’t drink so much now.” He paused, wringing his hands in his lap, the old habit emerging, indicating his discomfort. “At some point, March maybe, I was found beaten in a public loo & I was admitted back into hospital. Henry discovered I had a lung infection, the beginnings of pneumonia & I was there for a week that time… But I couldn’t stay in hospital forever so I was discharged when I was better & I was on the streets again.” He paused. “You make deals with yourself, you give yourself targets… If I earn £20, then I can eat & buy a bottle of vodka. If I earn £50, then maybe I can get a room in a shelter, have a hot meal… But it doesn’t get any easier.” He paused, shut his eyes.

“It was a really hot summer & I was living in the park, I was pretty desperate. I’d stopped trying to keep clean, I… I didn’t want to go on really, but didn’t really know that. I was stupid & in late August, or at least I think it was, I got into a trick’s van… He took me somewhere & there were 3 of them in total… I don’t remember all of what they did, but they dumped my body on a grass verge, leaving me for dead… The next thing I knew I was in hospital again.” His last few words came out quickly. He ignored Ashley’s gasp of horror, shutting his eyes again.

“I think I was in hospital again for about a week, it might have been longer & I know I was a mess. I remember looking at myself in the mirror after I was finally allowed a shower & I had bruises everywhere. There were hand marks around my neck where they’d tried to strangle me… I was really underweight & I knew I couldn’t keep doing it, that I’d had enough.” He paused. “I don’t think it was a conscious decision to do what I did, but I knew that I couldn’t keep going, that I’d had enough… I turned a trick for the last time, believing I was never going to earn another £20 like that again. I spent that £20 on a bottle of vodka, the good stuff & I drank it. All of it. I walked along the side of the dual carriageway waiting for a lorry to walk out in front of. And that’s what I did. That’s why I limp.”

“Shit.” Ashley sat in the chair opposite, his face pale.

“I understand if you want to go, I would in your position. It’s fine…” Jamie said after several minutes of silence.

“Jesus J, that’s not what I’m thinking!” Ashley reached out his hands across the table, & slowly Jamie put his on the table, his knuckles white & red from where they’d twisted together. Ashley grasped them & ran his thumb across the back of them in a circular motion, one of comfort. “I had no idea J, no idea.”

“Why would you?”

“I knew there was something, but…” He gripped Jamie’s hands more tightly. “Shit.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m so sorry that’s happened to you J, so sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“No, but…”

“Don’t pity me Ash.”

“It’s not pity J, it’s…” He shook his head again. “What did the police say?”

“About what?”

“The flat, the fire, the men who…”

“Nothing Ashley. I was a 20 year old whore. There was no interest in helping me.”

“Your family?”

“Who do you think put me in the flat Ashley?” Jamie replied, his voice flat and emotionless.

“Jesus!” Ashley’s eyes opened wide. “Your own family did that to you?” Jamie shut his eyes, nodding. “Oh my god, that’s…” He gripped Jamie’s hands more tightly. “There are no words to explain that J… I’m so sorry J.” He broke hand contact & got up, moving to sit next to him. “Can I hold you?” He asked quietly.

“You still want to?”

“Oh Jamie, beautiful, why wouldn’t I?” Ashley reached for him & pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him. He could feel the tension in Jamie’s body & he hugged him tighter. “How could anyone do that to you?” Ashley whispered.

~ \- ~


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Jamie’s worried about the aftermath of his confession. Sorry, bit of a short chapter…

Jamie was exhausted, telling Ashley, what had happened in the hallway, his body was craving sleep. He pulled away from Ashley & yawned, his eyes rimmed with red showing his exhaustion. He didn’t know what to do though. He had Ashley in his flat & he couldn’t kick him out after what they’d discussed & he knew there was more to say, more to explain.

“You’re exhausted.” Ashley said quietly, stroking his cheek. “Why don’t we go somewhere more comfortable? You’re safe J, I… We won’t do anything. I’ll just hold you, if that’s what you want?” Jamie nodded at him & stood, holding out his hand as he led Ashley to his bedroom. A room no one came into in the near 3 years he’d lived there. Ashley toed off his shoes & undid his jeans.

“You got a t-shirt I can borrow?”

“Yeah, course.” Jamie opened a drawer & handed him a plain black t-shirt which Ashley slipped on, then in only his briefs & Jamie’s t-shirt he slipped into the bed & patted the side next to him.

“Come on beautiful, let’s get some sleep.”

He could see the turmoil on Jamie’s face. “Would you prefer that I sleep elsewhere? I can, it’s not a problem, or I can go home… It’s up to you J.”

“Nnnnnooo, it’ssss ffffine.” Nervously he lifted the edge of the duvet & climbed in, lying on his back, his body full of tension.

“Come here J, let me hold you.” Jamie hesitated, then moved closer. Jamie felt Ashley’s arm reach underneath his neck & shoulders, felt himself being tugged closer as another arm wrapped itself around his waist. “This ok?” Jamie nodded, his head against Ashley’s neck. “Go to sleep J, we’ll talk more in the morning, but don’t think I’m going anywhere, ok?” Ashley kissed the top of his head.

“Ok.” Jamie whispered back.

Jamie thought that he’d never be able to sleep, lying in bed with someone like he was. The last time he’d been in bed with a man, the man had raped him, yet here he was drifting off to sleep enveloped in the heat & comfort of another man’s arms. He couldn’t believe he was as he drifted off to sleep.

~  \- ~

Ashley watched Jamie sleep. He looked so young & peaceful in sleep, the tension gone from his body. He was shocked by what Jamie had told him. He’d known there was something, some reason why he pulled away, was sexually uncertain, but he hadn’t expected what he’d been told. But then how could anyone expect that?

He was angry too. Angry that someone could do that to another human being, could force them, hurt them. And to know it was his own family who had forced him into sexual slavery, for that’s what he assumed had happened in the flat. No wonder Jamie was confused, was uncertain of his feelings. 

He also realised that Jamie had been ashamed earlier, after what they’d done in the hallway & that’s why he’d run. He’d felt Jamie climax against him, then stood and watched as he’d run away from him embarrassed. It figured now, Jamie probably had a lot of sexual experience, but most of it coerced. He shuddered. How could anyone do that to someone else? How could you do that to your own child? He vibrated with anger and held Jamie, still peacefully sleeping, closer.

~ \- ~

Jamie woke boiling hot. He seemed to be covered in something that was giving off heat like a furnace & whilst he enjoyed heat, this was too much. It was also heavy. Finally as he fully woke, he realised what was causing the heat. Ash. Ashley was wrapped around him, legs entwined with his & his body half covering his own. 

It was a strange feeling, to realise that he had someone else, someone of his choosing wrapped around him. He shut his eyes enjoying the feeling of comfort, but the heat was too much. His bladder was calling too. Carefully extricating himself from under Ash’s body, stilling when Ashley moved, he silently padded barefoot out of the bedroom. From the doorway he turned & looked. Ashley was still asleep, his blonde hair mussed, his face relaxed with sleep. Smiling, Jamie turned away & headed to the bathroom to empty his bladder, wash up & brush his teeth. 

He was still unsettled though, surprised that Ashley was still in his bed after what he’d revealed last night. But the way that Ashley had held him all night seemed to say he wasn’t going anywhere. They needed to talk still, that was clear, but Jamie was almost hopeful.

Flicking on the kettle, he pulled out a couple of mugs when the doorbell went. Surprised, he went to answer the door, dressed only in his pj bottoms & vest top, his own hair freshly mussed with sleep. “Morning.” Chris said, smiling as she stood on the doorstep.

“Hey Chris.”

“Can I come in? Not stopping long, but I have something to ask you.”

“Yeah, yeah, come in.” Jamie stood aside to let her in, hoping that Ashley would stay in bed.

“You out last night?”

“Yeah, met up with the usual lot at the Miller’s Cross.”

“Nice pub that, still a student haunt then?” She grinned. “Was in my day.”

“Yeah, well we like it. Nice last night as it has a pub garden.” They had walked into the kitchen & Jamie walked over to the side with the kettle. “Tea? It’s just boiled.”

“Please. Looks like I timed it perfectly. Late one last night?”

“Yeah… Went to a club.”

“Club? Really?” 

“Yeah.”

“God, haven’t been clubbing in years.” She laughed again. “Used to go a lot in my heyday, before you say anything, it’s been a long time since then, I’m well aware. Which one you go to?”

“Clandons.”

“Isn’t that a gay club?”

“Get you, trendy.” Jamie said, forcing lightness into his voice. “Yeah it is. Only other choice was Shitzys, sorry, Ritzys. Crap music. Apparently.” He brought the two mugs over to the kitchen table, thankfully having removed both his & Ash’s from earlier.

“It’s good to see you going out & enjoying yourself honey. Proud of you.” Jamie blushed & looked down.

“So, what were you going to ask me?”

“Well… Henry & I are going away in early September, we’re booking it now. It’s a villa in Tuscany & we wondered whether you’d like to come. You work so hard Jamie & we wondered if you’d like to have a holiday.” She paused. “I realise we’re old & you know, boring old people, but we thought you could do with a break.” 

“I… I…”

“Look, have a think, we’ve booked the villa & there’s room enough for you if you’d like to come, so… Don’t make a decision now, have a think about it. Alright?”

“Yeah, thanks Chris.”

“You working today?”

“Start at 3, got the late shift today, then working all weekend.”

“You work too hard.”

“You’re one to talk Chris!” He smiled. “That said, how come you’re not at the surgery this morning?” He glanced at the clock on the cooker noting it was 10:48.

“On my way shortly, late morning as owed some hours as there was a very dull partners meeting the other night.”

~  \- ~

Ashley woke slightly disorientated, unsure where he was. He could also hear voices. When he opened his eyes he remembered & turned to find Jamie. He wasn’t there. Feeling his way out of bed, his short-sightedness leaving him in a blurry world, he found his jeans & the spare pair of contacts he always carried with him. Feeling his way out of the bedroom, he made it into the bathroom, used the toilet, washed his face & hands & then put his contacts in. He sighed. That was better! It was always a relief to be able to see again. He had pondered getting laser eye surgery, but ultimately the cost & the fact that it might not work put him off. 

Hearing laughter & voices again he ran his fingers through his hair & followed the noise down the hallway.

“Morning” he said, finding Jamie & an older woman sat in the kitchen at the table they’d talked at last night. Two surprised faces turned to look at him, one that blushed slightly at his presence.

“Morning.” The woman said, hiding her surprise very quickly.

“Hey.” Jamie said quietly. “You alright?”

“Yeah, good, thanks.”

“Drink?”

“Coffee would be good.”

“Ok, was just making you one when Chris came round.” Jamie said as he stood, moving towards the kettle. He turned, his face still flushed. “Chris Ashley, Ashley Chris.” He gestured to each of them.

“Good to meet you.” Chris said smiling brightly, her eyes sparkling as she took in Jamie’s embarrassment & the fact that they’d both clearly just rolled out of bed.

“You too.” Ashley said smiling & taking a seat at the kitchen table. “Heard a fair bit about you, so it’s good to meet you.”

“Ah, well that’s good to hear, though I can’t say the same.” Chris said grinning at him then turning to look at Jamie who had turned his back on them both. “Jamie, you should have said you had a guest, I wouldn’t have disturbed you if I’d known.”

“It’s fine Chris, don’t worry.”

“You were out too last night? Miller’s & then a club I gather?”

“Yeah, last hurrah for some of my house mates & the others as they’re going home for the summer.”

“You’re not?”

“No. My PhD keeps me here & I have research to do, plus a part-time job in the labs.”

“Oh right, what’s your PhD in then?”

“Err, it’s really quite dull if you’re not into that kind of thing.”

“Here” Jamie said, placing his coffee in front of him & taking the chair next to him.

“Thanks J” Ashley smiled at him, placing his hand on his leg under the table. Jamie glanced at the hand briefly, but didn’t move away. He liked it.

“So go on then, bore me, what’s it in?”

“Well, it’s an aspect of astrophysics. I’m investigating how galaxies form & whether there’s a pattern to it.”

“That’s huge isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I’ve kind of simplified it.” He grinned. “Something I always do as if I went into detail, your eyes would glaze over & you’d be asleep.” Chris laughed.

“That good huh?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “I enjoy it. Maths has always been my thing, bit of a geek.” He smiled at Jamie. “I’m not the creative arts type like this one. Presume you’ve seen his poetry reviews in Waterstones? They’re amazing. The city Waterstones shop has got quite a reputation because of them.” Jamie had blushed again & had lowered his eyes as he unconsciously shifted closer to Ashley. It was so sweet & Chris was delighted to see it.

“Yes, I’ve been in there & read them. You’re right, they’re fantastic.” She smiled at Jamie. “You have a real talent & it’s not just me that thinks so.” Jamie squirmed with embarrassment at their compliments & in their gaze.

“Thanks” he muttered.

“Right” Chris said, standing up & placing her cup on the side next to the sink. “I should be off.” She saw Ashley’s hand on Jamie’s thigh & it touched her heart to see. “I’ll leave you two in peace. Good to meet you Ashley, hopefully I’ll see you again?” She turned to Jamie & kissed him on the top of his head.

“I’ll see you out.”

“No need.” He stood anyway & walked with her to the door. “Good to see you happy honey.” She said quietly as she opened the door. “He seems lovely.”

“Thanks.” He blushed again. “You’re not… bothered?”

“Bothered?”

“That… That… he’s a he?”

“Oh Jamie, no! Why would we be?”

“Just… You know, after everything…”

“Jamie, you are who you are sweetheart. It makes no odds to me or Henry if you’re gay, straight, bi, ace, whatever. You have our unconditional love & support, whatever.” She put her finger under his chin & made him look at her. “You believe me?”

“Yeah Chris, I do.”

“Good. I love you honey, nothing will ever change that.” She wrapped him up in a hug, something she couldn’t always do & held him tight feeling as the tension in his body relaxed. “Don’t forget to think about that holiday. Could Ashley come too?” She winked at him & walked down the drive to her car. He waved at her as she drove away.

~  \- ~

“She seems lovely.” Ashley said as Jamie walked back into the kitchen.

“Yes, she is. They both are.” He paused & looked Ashley in the eyes. “I honestly don’t think I’d be alive if it weren’t for them… I owe them everything.” He sighed & sat back down in the chair that Chris had vacated, that was opposite from Ashley. He needed a little distance if they were going to talk. “There’s still a lot I need to tell you.”

“I’m not going anywhere J, I told you that last night.”

“Yeah you did, but… I have to tell you things, that might change your mind.”

“I really doubt it J…” He paused. “I’ve hung in this long waiting for you, haven’t I?” He reached out his hand across the table. “Look, what time do you finish work tonight?”

“Eight.”

“Why don’t we go out for food, then we can talk. We’ll have more time & it’ll be more relaxed.” Ashley smiled. “I want this J, you know I do.”

“Yeah, I know… It’s… It’s just…”

“You told me a lot of stuff last night J, a lot of personal stuff that I reckon you’ve not told many people.” He paused. “I feel honoured you trusted me enough to tell me.” He squeezed Jamie’s hand. “I realise that there’s a lot of things that aren’t going to be easy… Sex for one” he felt Jamie’s hand tense. “We do need to talk about stuff, but let’s take it slow, enjoy it, ok?” Jamie nodded at him. “So, dinner tonight?”

“Ok.”

“Where shall we go?”

“I… I… I don’t know.”

“Do you like Asian food? Curry?”

“Not sure… You see there’s something, that we need to talk about, food.” He paused. “I have a few food issues.”

“Ok, you like Italian? Pizza & stuff?”

“Yeah, I’ve eaten that.”

“We’ll do that then.” He smiled. “It doesn’t matter to me where J, it’s the company that matters.” He smiled, standing. “Can I kiss you?”

“Please.” Jamie whispered, also standing & moving into Ashley’s arms.

~ \- ~


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: A date & some revelations. Warning: discussions of abuse, physical, sexual & emotional.

Michael & Amanda were on rota with him & the shop wasn’t very busy. A hot Friday afternoon in early July wasn’t the busiest in a bookshop’s calendar. It was only a 5 hour shift, but it was dragging & he couldn’t wait for Ash to come & collect him for their first proper date. His first proper date. Ever.

He couldn’t believe Ashley’s reaction. He had told him he was a whore, had turned tricks, had been kept prisoner, had been abandoned by his family & Ashley had just… well accepted it. He hadn’t expected that. Jamie wasn’t naïve enough to think that this was it, that they were set forever, but he was feeling more positive than he’d ever felt about anything. He felt safe with Ash & yeah, he really liked kissing him. He grinned as he ghosted his fingers across his lips, remembering that kiss.

“What you smiling at Jamie?” Amanda asked as she sidled in to the cash desk.

“Nothing.”

“Hmmm. Don’t believe you.” She smiled. “Not as if there’s much to smile at on a day  _ anyone  _ would rather be by the seaside or anywhere but here.” She tapped her pen & gazed around the empty shop. Yes, she was manager, but even she couldn’t think of any jobs for them to do on this sultry July afternoon. She put the pen back in the pot, fiddled with the stapler, lining it up straight with the till. “You doing anything tonight?”

“Yeah, pizza somewhere.”

“Oh yeah? A date?” Amanda said, turning her head to face him as he blushed.

“Maybe.”

“Ooooh, exciting.” She smiled. She wanted to push, to ask but she knew that even after 2 years of working in the shop, there were things you didn’t ask him. He was fragile at times. “Anyone we know?” She asked casually.

“Ashley.”

“Cool. Finally you two get it together!” Jamie cocked his head at her. “Oh come on Jamie, the way he looks at you? He’s been interested in you since the first time he saw you.”

“Really?”

“Y’huh!” She laughed. “Good for you Jamie. Have fun tonight.”

“Thanks.” He paused. You up to anything?”

“Other half wants a quiet night in, so it’ll be beer & curry in front of the TV. Nowt wrong with that, but…” She shrugged. “Not exactly exciting though. Bit like today really.”

~ \- ~

The rest of the shift passed slowly with only a trickle of customers through the doors. At 7:30 they shut the doors & spent the next half an hour tidying up & readying the shop for the following morning. Jamie was on the late shift again. 

At about 5 to 8, there was a tap on the glass & Jamie looked up to see Ashley waiting for him. He was dressed in black jeans & a thin white shirt that showed off his chest & shoulders nicely. It was open at the neck & a thin band of leather was visible. Jamie swallowed at the sight & then smiled. “Date’s here.” Amanda called. “Go on, see you tomorrow. Have a good night.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, Michael’ll walk me out. Go on, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks Amanda.” Jamie pointed to Ash to meet him at the side door, then grabbed his stuff & went to meet Ashley.

“Hey beautiful.” Ashley said smiling at him. “Can I kiss you?”

“Hey.” Jamie said quietly, as he leaned in to kiss him. He felt Ashley’s mouth open to let him in & he let his tongue explore, tasting. Ashley was letting Jamie control the kiss, he was responding, but it was Jamie who was driving it. Jamie’s hands held on to Ashley’s hips as they kissed, too tentative to explore further. 

They broke apart, breathless after the kiss. “Hello you.” Ashley said, before kissing him briefly again on the lips. “Hungry?”

“Yeah, think so.”

“C’mon then, we’re booked in round the corner.” They walked up the alley, not hand in hand, but shoulders brushing. Jamie felt an almost over-whelming desire to hold Ashley’s hand, but knew that it wasn’t advisable.

“Like the shirt by the way.” Jamie said quietly as they joined the street.

“Thanks. Glad you noticed.” Ashley actually blushed at that. He’d wanted Jamie to notice, but hadn’t actually expected him to say anything.

The restaurant was one of those chain Italians, nicer than some of them. Its pizzas were certainly authentic to some extent, though Ashley had only ever been to Italy once when he was a kid, it seemed to be what he remembered they were like. The bright colours & modern feel was also more trendy & the clientele seemed slightly younger & less family orientated.

They had a table for two at the side & Ashley let Jamie choose where to sit. He wasn’t surprised when Jamie sat on the seat with its back to the wall so he could keep watch on his surroundings. The waitress had handed them their menus & had told them about the specials.

“It’s nice.” Jamie said quietly as he peered around him, taking it all in.

“Yeah, it’s one of the better ones of the chain Italians.” 

“Oh… Ok… I wouldn’t know.” Jamie shrugged. “You eat out much then?”

“No, can’t afford to, but I’ve been to this kind of place. Used to be taken out by mum & dad…” He trailed off speaking. He watched Jamie look around him, he looked slightly uncomfortable. “You ok?” He asked quietly.

“Yyyeah, I’mmm ggood.” Ashley narrowed his eyes at him.

“Come on, spill, what’s up?” Jamie looked up, taken by surprise. “I can read you J, what’s up?”

“I’ve never been to a restaurant before.” Jamie replied after a pause, a flush creeping over his cheeks.

“Never?” Jamie shook his head. “How come?” He asked gently.

“Wwwwee were ppppoor growing uppp. Nnnnever had mmmmoney for tttthings llllike restaurants.” He shrugged. “Then…” He stopped, shut his eyes.

“Hey, it’s ok, you don’t have to say.”

“Well… Then things got bbbbbad at hhhhhome &…” he shuddered. Ashley reached out his hand across the table & took Jamie’s, running his thumb across the back of his hand in a soothing motion. Jamie gave him a weak smile, but didn’t move his hand.

“Something you want to tell me later?”

“Yyyyeah… Well, not want to tell you.” He forced a grin. “Need to tell you would be more apt.”

“Ok.” He squeezed Jamie’s hand & brought his fingers to his lips & kissed them. “When you’re ready, it’s all fine by me.” Jamie looked around in case people were watching. If they were, they weren’t obvious & he relaxed slightly. 

“So, what should I have?” Jamie asked.

“Depends what you like really. Their pizzas are good, but I like the calzone.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a pizza, but it’s folded over, so all the filling’s inside. Keeps it hot. That’s what I dislike about pizza in a restaurant. Goes cold, so the calzone’s good as it stays hot.”

“Oh, ok.”

“Do you like pasta?”

“Erm… Like the stuff I cook at home? Instant stuff?”

“No, it’s fresh, comes with a sauce or if it’s like ravioli, it might be stuffed with something.”

“Don’t know, guess?” Jamie shrugged, looking over-whelmed.

“How about some garlic bread with mozzarella & caramelised onions to start, then either a chicken pasta dish or something like lasagne? You’ve had lasagne?”

“Yeah, think so.” Ashley pointed out the pasta dishes & Jamie chose a chicken & tomato based one. “What are you going to have?”

“Calzone of course!” Jamie laughed. “When it arrives, try a bit.” 

“Ok, thanks.”

“Will have to go for a bike ride tomorrow to wear off all the calories mind.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, sadly.” He took Jamie’s hand again. “Not all of us need to put on weight.”

“I don’t.”

“No, not any more, though at times you still look really thin.” Jamie looked down. “Hey, I’m not criticising, just… concerned I guess.”

“I’m alright. Just forget to eat sometimes, that’s all.”

“You drinking?” Ashley asked, changing the subject slightly after a pause. “Beer?”

“If you are.”

“Peroni?”

“Is that a beer?!” Jamie asked smiling.

“Yeah, an Italian one. Nice.”

“Sounds good.” He paused. “Lot of firsts tonight.” 

“What d’you mean?” Ashley asked, head cocked slightly.

“First restaurant, first meal out, first Peroni, first… date.” He blushed. Ashley grinned, still holding Jamie’s hand.

“God you’re cute when you blush.” He said huskily, his pupils dilating. Jamie’s blush deepened & they gazed at each other, only to be interrupted by a cough from their waitress.

~  \- ~

The meal was good & Jamie liked the pasta he’d eaten & the bit of calzone Ashley had given him to taste. He was stuffed though & turned down dessert, partly because of the cost. He worked as many hours as he could, but he hated spending money frivolously. He wore his clothes until they had holes in. A poor childhood, working how he had been forced to in the flat, followed by homelessness meant he pretty much always worried about money, especially when he thought of the debt he owed Henry & Chris. His tuition fees of nearly eight thousand pounds were a debt that had given him nightmares until Josh had talked him through it. It was the thought of a debt, like the one he’d been made to work off in the flat that had scared him. So a meal in a restaurant, even if it was a date was cash he could ill afford, and even if he didn’t begrudge it, he was still going to be careful. He wondered if he’d ever stop being careful.

To his absolute shock Ashley insisted on paying. He nearly had a panic attack at the thought of what Ashley would expect from him until Ashley read him, saw the fear & reassured him. “I don’t expect anything of you J. It’s a date. I invited you out on a date & it’s my treat. Let me treat you? Please?” Ashley had asked quietly. “You can pay next time?”

“Alright, thank you.” Jamie said, letting out his panicked breath until his breathing calmed again.

“Shall we go for a drink?” Ashley asked after he’d paid.

“Nnno, unless you want to?”

“No, I’m good…”

“Come back to mine again?” Jamie asked hesitantly. “We didn’t finish our conversation.”

“You want me to?”

“Please.”

“Ok then, though J,” he took Jamie’s hands in his. “There’s nothing you need to tell me. Nothing at all that will change my mind about you.”

“You don’t know that Ash.”

“I do.” They started walking, a comfortable silence between them.

~ \- ~

Lights were on in Chris & Henry’s house as they arrived back at Jamie’s & it was clear that both were home as their two cars sat on the drive. It always reassured Jamie when the lights were on. Someone was home. He led them across the drive to his front door & let them in. 

“Can I kiss you?” Ashley asked as they stepped into his hall way. “I’ve been wanting to all night.” 

Jamie smiled shyly at him, but stepped closer to him, brushing his lips against Ashley’s. Ashley felt Jamie’s tongue lick against his lips & he opened up to let him in, letting him control the kiss, the pace & intensity. He loved kissing him. It was all he’d imagined it would be. He loved having Jamie trust him enough to get this close to him, to touch him & he returned Jamie’s kiss with fervour, deepening it. They broke away minutes later, breathless & Ashley was hard in his briefs. “What you do to me.” He whispered.

Jamie smiled shyly at him & took his hand, leading him into the kitchen. He was dreading the conversation he was going to have with Ashley, but there were a few things he needed to tell him. It was unfair on Ash to continue a relationship without him knowing who & what he was getting involved with. He hoped, he really hoped that Ash meant what he said & that he wouldn’t walk away from him over it. It scared him the thought of frightening him away, but he couldn’t lead him on, couldn’t not tell him. The Ashley he had gotten to know over the past 7months or so he hoped would at least listen to him & not think the worst.

“Beer or coffee?” He asked.

“You have beer?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Jamie replied walking to his pretty empty fridge. “Yeah, there’s a few in here. It’s only cheap stuff, not like the Peroni.”

“Beer’s fine then. You having one?” 

“Mmm hmm.” Jamie mumbled as he searched the drawer for a bottle opener. Finally finding one, he handed the open bottle to Ashley. “Living room?”

“Didn’t get to see it last time.” Ashley said with a smile in his voice.

“No…” 

He led the way into the living room. It wasn’t huge, but had a small two seater sofa, an armchair & a TV on a unit. There were wooden floors & a few rugs. Jamie drew the deep red curtains sat at the windows & flicked on a couple of table lamps. The room had books in it & his laptop that sat on a coffee table, but other than a small table & chairs against the wall & a plant that sat decoratively in a corner, there was little personal stuff in there. It was like Jamie’s bedroom. He lived there, but there was little of him in it. 

Ashley sat on the sofa & placed his bottle of beer on the coffee table.

“Will you come & sit next to me J?” He asked as Jamie hovered, unsure of where to sit. He nodded & came to sit next to him, tucking his legs under him, though his left one was clearly more difficult to tuck & it sat at a slightly awkward angle.

There was silence, it wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was heavy. They both knew that Jamie wanted to tell him stuff, needed to tell him stuff. “Do you have any music?” Ashley asked quietly.

“There’s a radio/CD player in the kitchen… I can get that, but… I don’t have much music.”

“Bring what you’ve got, we can play that quietly.”

“Ok.” Jamie got up & disappeared off to the kitchen, reappearing a few minutes later with the CD player & a handful of CDs. He passed them to Ashley. “You choose… I… I… I don’t know much about music I’m afraid.” 

They were an eclectic mix, some chart music in a NOW collection, then some indie music & some rock music, even some Kate Bush. He smiled. “Eclectic mix here J. How about Elbow?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” He held out his hand for the CD as Ashley passed it to him & moments later they were listening to Guy Garvey’s melodic tones.

Jamie returned to the sofa & sat cross legged this time, facing Ashley. He looked nervous.

“Thank you for tonight… It was lovely… I felt… Well I felt like a Normal.”

“A Normal?”

“A name I gave to everyone else, when I was hhhhomeless.” He paused. “I’d see them in the park, in the streets & I was envious. Couldn’t help it.”

“What happened J? What led to this happening to you?” Ashley asked quietly, his voice full of compassion. Jamie sighed & rubbed his hands over his face.

“My family were poor growing up. We lived on the Sanders estate. You heard of it?” Ash nodded. “We lived in a 3 bed semi, weeds for a back garden, junk in the front garden. Your typical council house poor I suppose.” He paused, “though not everyone was like it...” he shrugged. “TV was always on, but we really didn’t have very much, I had hand-me down clothes & it was fine, you know, I didn’t know any better, so it was fine… Food wasn’t always plentiful, I know that mum sometimes went without so that dad got his food. He always came first… We had meals, just… you know, not always quite enough.” He paused. 

“Dad was out of work a lot. Not sure what he did, he drank a lot, hung out with some dodgy characters. Mum worked in a local shop. Till she got ill…” He paused. “I was 1 2 when she got ill & went into hospital. She was gone for months I think… There was even less money in the house & my sister took over the cooking & stuff…” He frowned. 

“I… I…” He stopped, took a deep breath, then tried again. “I know it was a Friday night he first came into my room… I remember he stank of alcohol. Mum had been in hospital for weeks, maybe longer… I don’t know what was wrong with her.” He shut his eyes. “He abused me Ash… Made me do things to him, he did things to me…” He drew his knees up to his chest & wrapped his arms round his knees. “I didn’t stop him…”

“You were a child J, a child.” Ashley whispered.

“I know, but I didn’t tell on him, &… And maybe if I had, he wouldn’t have done what he did.” Jamie stopped. He licked his lips, his mouth suddenly dry & drained the rest of his bottle of beer. “He started hiring me out to his mates… At least I assume they were mates.” He stopped, put his bottle down, as he was playing with the paper label on the bottle & irritating himself. “I know he charged them, I heard them talking… £20 for a blow job, £30 to fuck me… I made him money.” He shrugged. “I’m getting another beer. You want one?” Ashley nodded, at a loss at what else to say to him

Jamie was back a minute or so later, two fresh bottles of beer in hand. He passed one to Ashley who nodded his thanks.

“Mum eventually came out of hospital, but it didn’t stop. He didn’t stop. He’d come in most nights, even after the others had taken their turn… I think she knew then… She certainly had to question where all the money was coming from.” He was silent for a few minutes. Ashley just waited. “New things started to appear in the house. Michelle, my sister had new clothes… I didn’t get them, but then I didn’t wear them much. A school uniform was enough.” He shook his head, shaking memories away.

“Weekends were horrible. Sometimes I’d be taken to different houses & left there… I… I… Sometimes I think I was given drugs… I don’t remember a lot of it… I was beaten though. A lot… I remember he liked to leave his mark…” He paused. “Through all of it, I knew I had to keep my head down at school, so I worked. I worked so hard, ‘cos I knew that was all I had & I hoped that it would lead to my escape.” He stopped again, took another drink & brought his knees back to his chest.

“I was allowed to do my A Levels… Michelle was still at school, she’s a couple of years younger than me, but she wasn’t…” He stopped. “I had to do all my school work at school, I couldn’t do any of it at home as my other work took over then… It’s funny, dad had always been short-tempered, always quick to smack us when we were kids, but… It wasn’t bad before mum went into hospital… I have some good memories of before, though she had a short temper too. Her hand always stung on the back of your legs.” He didn’t look up, just took another drink & sat silently for several minutes. Ashley just waited.

“It was a few weeks after my last A Level exam that I was taken to that flat. They tricked me you see. I was so stupid that I still hadn’t managed to escape, still thought it would get better, I was 18 after all, he couldn’t still keep hiring me out.” He laughed, a bitter sound. “I was so stupid… We went to view this flat, mum & dad said something about it being an investment opportunity, so we all went in to see it… It was sparsely furnished, sofa, armchair, bed…” He shuddered. “I didn’t see it coming, I really didn’t…” He took another gulp of beer.

“Mum & Michelle left me in the flat with dad, said they were going to the car to wait for us… He then… Well, he beat the shit out of me.” He stopped. “When I came round, he was gone & I was naked, had my hands handcuffed in front of me & my ankles cuffed… I could move around, but only just.” He screwed his eyes shut. “I couldn’t speak after… after what he’d done… So I lay there in the flat, waiting for rescue… I thought he’d come back, that someone would come back… But they didn’t… Not for 2 or 3 days I think.” He stopped again. “There was no food in the flat, I drank water from the taps. I remember I was really scared… 

“I don’t remember half of what was done to me by his mates when I was a kid. I know they fed me drugs, alcohol… It’s good in a way, I don’t remember it, but… I remember those 18 months in that flat. Every last one of them…” His voice trailed off. “I might not remember the faces of the men that came in, but I remember how…” His voice broke & tear slipped down his cheek. He swiped it away & shook his head angrily willing himself not to cry. If he started to cry, he wouldn’t stop.

“Jamie… J…” Ashley reached out his hand & tried to take Jamie’s.

“No… Not yet… I haven’t finished yet.”

“Ok.” Ashley whispered.

“I was chained in that room… A cuff round my ankle.” He pulled the sock down on his left ankle & showed the scar. “It was infected & the cuff had to be cut off in hospital.”

“Jesus.”

“I worked 6 or 7 days a week; as long as one of them could man the flat, I worked. Usually 5 or 6 clients a night… He charged them £75, less if I were, you know… Damaged.”

“Oh my god Jamie…”

“Not yet” Jamie whispered. “I was told I had a debt to pay, that once I’d earned the money, then I could go, but the debt kept going up. It was never-ending… I don’t know what they used the money for… All I saw of it was a new addition to the sex-toy collection, cos I certainly didn’t get anything else. Maybe sheets for the bed, tight briefs to wear… I certainly wasn’t fed… I didn’t always get food in the flat, sometimes I would go days without it… 

“I got used to it, I’d been hungry before when I was younger.” He stopped again & took a deep breath before he continued.

“I never thought it would end… And every-so-often, he’d use me too. Called me a filthy whore, but still wanted to use me.” He shuddered. “Then in early February, it’ll be 4 years ago next February… a fire broke out in the block of flats. I was chained in the bedroom, I couldn’t go anywhere & as the smoke came into the bedroom I lay back on the bed & just waited… I wasn’t bothered that it was going to kill me, in fact, I wanted it to.” He looked up at Ashley then. “Can you understand that?”

“God yes.” Ashley nodded at him, his eyes red & watery.

“I heard sirens, I heard firemen, but I didn’t expect to leave the flat.” He paused. “Then two firemen hacked down the door of the flat. They had to check it, to see if anyone was in there. They got a shock when they saw me sat on the bed… You could see them thinking ‘why is he just sitting there?’ Then I pointed out the chain to them.” He sighed. 

“I was coughing really badly, the smoke was bad… The fireman gave me his breathing kit, whilst the other went off to get help” he shrugged, “I don’t know, one of them was left... Anyway, he went into the bathroom, wrapped a damp towel round his head then took an axe to the chain.” He took another gulp from his beer. “He carried me out of the flat on his back. My legs wouldn’t carry me & all I was wearing were the skimpy briefs I was allowed to wear.” He shuddered. “I think my heart stopped in the ambulance… I remember waking up in hospital & my throat was raw. I had damage from smoke inhalation & apparently my heart was weak.” He shrugged. “They got me better, then I was kicked out on the streets, as I had nowhere else, no one else to turn to. I could hardly go back, though sometimes… Sometimes when it was really cold, when a trick had beaten me or robbed me, it made me think that actually the flat wasn’t so bad… How fucked up is that?” He stopped speaking then, drank down the rest of his warmed flat beer & put the bottle on table.

“So Ashley, you have one fucked up ex-whore of a potential boyfriend here. Sure you don’t want to walk away, ‘cos I sure as fuck would if I were you.”

“Don’t call yourself that J.” Ashley said quietly.

“What?”

“A whore.”

“Why? It’s what I was.”

“No J, you weren’t.”

“Then what would you call me? I had sex with men for money Ashley? Yeah, it wasn’t by choice at first, but… On the streets? I chose to do it then.”

“What else could you have done J? What else?” There was anger in Ash’s voice. “Ok, yes, you sold your body for sex & yes, I guess that makes you a whore, if we’re going with the dictionary definition of the word, but… What other choice did you have? It was all you knew J, since you were a kid… Jesus!” He exhaled, his anger palpable. “That’s fucked up J. Fucked up. How could he have done that to you? You were his child for god’s sake!” He paused, then muttered “and I thought my parents were bad!”

“Your parents?”

“I’ll tell you, another time J.” He reached out his hand. “Can I hold you?”

“Why would you still want to? After everything I’ve told you?”

“It’s not your fault Jamie, not your fault… I want to kill him J. Not just him, all of them… How could they do that to you?” He reached for Jamie. “Please?” 

Reluctantly Jamie moved towards him & Ashley pulled him into a hug. He manoeuvred Jamie’s body so that he was lying on top of his own as he held him, eventually feeling the tension begin to leave his body. “Don’t think I’d ever walk away from you because of this J.” He whispered. “Not this.”

They lay together quietly, Ashley feeling the tension slowly leave J’s body the longer he held him. Ashley was simmering with anger though. Anger that someone could do this to someone else, let alone their own child. He had issues with his own parents, they weren’t exactly accepting of his being gay, but they weren’t this bad. He held Jamie tighter, determined that he would give him all the love & trust that he’d not had before.

“Can I ask you something?” Ashley said quietly. Immediately he felt tension return to Jamie’s body.

“Yyyes.”

“That customer in the store I overheard… The one that attacked you in the alleyway… Was he… Did you…” He was unsure how to phrase the question.

“You’re asking me if he was a trick?” Jamie asked quietly.

“Yes.”

“I think so.” Ashley felt him shrug. “I didn’t remember his face, don’t suppose I’d remember many of their faces, but… Yeah, I think he was from when I was in the flat… That’s the impression he gave me.”

“I’m sorry J.”

“Not your fault.”

“Nobody should have suffered what you have J, no one.” He held him tighter. “I’m not walking away J. I’m not.” He felt Jamie shudder.

“There’s something more I need to say to you.” Jamie said quietly, shifting his body slightly. “I’ve… I’ve never had sex with anyone who I’ve wanted to before…” There was a pause. “Last night, in the hallway… That was a first for me Ash…” He was whispering now. “I don’t know how to do this Ash…” He went silent. Eventually he spoke again, his voice low. “There are things I might not ever be able to do… I have nightmares over what’s been done to me… Sex...” He shuddered. “It’s, well, I can barely say the word, let alone contemplate it.” He fell silent.

“It’s ok J. We’ll figure it out, I promise.” He kissed the top of Jamie’s head. “I promise you, I will never make you do anything you don’t want to do.” He kissed him again & ran his hands up & down his back. “We’ll work it out J.”

They lay still, Jamie fully stretched out on top of Ashley, absorbing his warmth & comfort, his body becoming ever more relaxed. “Why’s it different with you?” He whispered. “Why? I shouldn’t be able to do this.” He shifted, letting his hands run along Ashley’s chest.

“It feels good, really good.” Ashley agreed, smiling & holding him tighter.

\- ~ -


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Jamie takes a risk.

They’d been together as an official couple for a few weeks, though only a few people were aware. They spent a lot of their time together, which was in some ways no different from before, except that now it was just the two of them & they shared a bed. 

Ashley had taken what Jamie had said about sex very seriously & though if he were truly honest, he would give anything to be able to do more than kiss & touch him, there was no way he was going to do any more than what Jamie was comfortable with

They shared a bed most nights, usually at Jamie’s & they held each other, kissed, touched, but there was little naked flesh & there hadn’t been a repeat of that first time in the hallway. Ashley wanted more & he sometimes got the feeling Jamie did too, but as he’d promised Jamie, there was absolutely no way he was going to push. What they did was at Jamie’s pace.

He’d read a lot of books on the subject of child abuse, how to be in a relationship with someone who’d been abused & he knew the biggest thing was building trust. He knew that was the reason he’d gotten this far with Jamie in the first place. He would do everything in his power to ensure he did nothing to jeopardise it.

They were also taking the plunge of going on holiday together, taking up Chris & Henry’s offer of sharing their villa. Chris had reassured Jamie that the villa had enough bedrooms for them to either share or have one each, the choice was theirs & whatever they decided was fine with them. They’d also hired two cars so that Jamie & Ash could be independent. 

Ashley had baulked initially at Henry & Chris not wanting any money for his share of the villa or car rental until Chris had taken him aside & explained it was the first holiday Jamie had ever had & if this were the only way they could get him to take it, they’d pay double & more. He’d been blown away by their generosity to not only him, but by their love for Jamie. He knew they weren’t Jamie’s parents, but they almost made up for dreadful ones who had almost destroyed him. He wished his own were half as nice as Henry & Chris. He had yet to tell Jamie about them.

~ - ~

It had been a typical August, some lovely days, but others decidedly autumnal. September blew in & with it it’s cooler mornings with dew & mist. Jamie had been busy working in the shop almost full time over the summer, covering other colleague’s shifts & as the schools were back so all the new term stuff had been out for weeks. 

He was looking forward to his final year, he loved university, though he was anxious about what he was going to do afterwards. He loved having the freedom to be creative, to write essays. Deep down he knew, as he’d always known that he wanted to be a writer. He just didn’t foresee it actually happening. 

He was enjoying his relationship with Ashley too, though there was an edge of guilt to it as he knew Ash wanted to do more than kiss, touch & hold him. He’d felt Ashley’s erection against him, felt & seen his desire for him & it was frightening him less & less. He was grateful for Ashley’s patience & irritated by his own holding back. He’d been to see Josh about it several times & he’d given him sage advice. To go with his gut & do what was right for him, because if Ashley was worth it & half the person Jamie believed him to be, then he’d wait for him. What did encourage Jamie was that Josh didn’t think sex would be off the cards forever, just they had to take it slowly. How slowly though, before Ashley gave up on him?

~ - ~

The holiday came round sooner than he was expecting, almost crept up on him. He’d worried about it, as he worried about everything. Worried about being able to leave the country, flying, being in country where the language was different, the food, coping with unfamiliar surroundings. Pretty much everything. 

He was worried about what he’d wear too & had eventually been persuaded by Chris to buy some new clothes. Crop trousers, a couple of pairs of long shorts, short-sleeved t-shirts & a pair of Birkenstocks. He’d never spent so much money on anything & he had a minor panic attack about it when he got back to his flat & looked at the receipts. Chris had had to calm him as he’d even brought up the cost of the holiday, flight, car rental & everything else he had as a debt. It was at moments like these that he realised he hadn’t come as far as he hoped.

~ - ~

They flew out of Gatwick airport on a cool September morning & as terrifying as he thought he’d find the flight, he actually found it exhilarating. He clutched Ashley’s hand & stared out of the window as he watched the land get further & further away. He also loved the clouds & the blue sky with the sun glistening on them, making them sparkle. 

The cloud broke as they crossed the Alps & as they flew further allowed glimpses of a stretch of water that was probably the Mediterranean. He saw the snow on the top of the highest peaks of the Apls & the azure blue of the water. He was mesmerised by it. He didn’t notice Ashley watching him rather than the view out of the window.

They drove in convoy from Pisa to their villa in the north Tuscan region around Lucca. It was north of Lucca, not far from the little town of Castelnuovo di Garfagnana high in the Apuan Alps. It was remote & beautiful with the most amazing views across the valley to the medieval hillside town of Barga. It was what Jamie had imagined with poplar trees lining the roads & fields full of olive trees & grape vines. 

He drove with Ashley, following behind Henry & Chris, but he didn’t do anything other than watch the scenery. His mind flowed with the images he could paint in words & he fumbled in his hand luggage for his notebook, scribbling down the ideas before they disappeared. He’d done the same on the plane & Ashley had watched, amused & if he was honest, enchanted. Ashley knew he’d fallen for Jamie months ago, but as he had watched Jamie on the plane, overcome his fears & the in the car as they drove to the villa, he knew he had fallen in love with him.

~ - ~

The villa was beautiful, its warm colour taken from the local sandstone it was built from that glowed slightly pink in the warm sunlight & the pan-tile roof was littered with moss & lichen, all adding to its charm. 

It was huge, much bigger than either Jamie or Ashley had imagined, set up a gravel drive about ½ mile off the main road. It over looked the Serchio river valley, though it was way up in the lower slopes of the mountains & had amazing views. A swimming pool & terrace sat out the front of the villa, with terraced fields below filled with olive groves. It was beautiful.

Inside, the villa was cool, the tiled floor & thick walls keeping out the heat of the hot Tuscan sun. A large open plan living room & dining room took up most of the ground floor, with one bedroom off to the side with its own bathroom. Upstairs were 3 further bedrooms, one with an en-suite. Chris & Henry took the downstairs room, loving the doors that opened on to the terrace, & Chris figuring it would give the boys the privacy of the upstairs, where they could share or have separate rooms without being conspicuous.

Jamie led the way upstairs, opening the doors off the hallway & peering into each room. Each was beautifully decorated, with typically Italian style furniture. A huge marble bathroom practically the size of his flat’s living room was the main bathroom & it glittered with gold fittings. One room had twin beds in it, the other a double, but the largest double with en-suite was at the end of the house & it had a balcony which overlooked the terraced slopes down the valley. The bed was huge with pristine white bedding & the furniture was dark wood & heavy, but it all looked perfect. 

He dumped his (borrowed) suitcase & wandered over to the balcony doors & opened them, stepping out. He smiled, he felt free, away from the baggage of the past, with not a single other house or neighbour in sight. He turned to find Ashley & saw him hovering at the door.

“You not coming in?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure what you would want… Are we going to share?” He asked quietly. Jamie cocked his head & smiled. Just like Ashley not to assume.

“I like sharing with you, so if it’s ok with you, I’d like to.”

“It’s more than ok.” Ashley grinned & stepped into the room, wheeling his suitcase to the side before joining Jamie on the balcony.

“Thanks for asking though, don’t think I don’t appreciate it.” Jamie whispered as Ash wrapped his arms around him. 

Ashley kissed him on the lips in response & pulled him tighter to him as he rested his head on his shoulder, soaking up his heat & smell. He may have had the realisation in the car driving up, but the more time he spent with him, the more he was under Jamie’s spell.

A knock at their door interrupted them a good ten minutes later & they turned to see Chris & Henry in the doorway.

“Beautiful room. Can we come in?” Chris asked.

“Yeah of course.” Jamie said, not stepping out from Ashley’s arms. “Come look at the view. It’s so beautiful.” He sighed. “It’s just how I imagined it you know.” He turned & smiled at Chris & Henry. “Thank you for making me come. It’s…” He paused & shrugged. “Amazing.”

“You’re welcome sweetheart, you know that.” Chris smiled. “Both of you.” She loved seeing Jamie with Ashley, he seemed so calm when he was with him.

“We’re heading out to the local supermarket to stock up. Is there anything you want?” Henry asked after several moments of enjoying the view.

“No, I don’t think so.” Jamie replied.

“Would you like company?” Ashley asked.

“No, we thought we’d leave you two to explore.” Chris grinned. “You drink beer?”

“Yeah, please.” Ashley said quietly. “You will let me contribute won’t you?”

“Yeah, yeah, at some point no doubt” Chris smiled again. “You’re students, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

“It’s very kind of you, really generous.”

“Stop Ashley.” Chris said gently. “You’re here, part of our family… You’re on holiday. Enjoy it.” Ashley smiled at her, touched by her words, but he was determined he’d thank them somehow.

“Thank you.” He said again & felt Jamie squeeze his hand. If anyone knew how it felt to be treated by these two kind & generous people it was him. “Next time, I would like to go” he said eagerly. “I love foreign supermarkets! Don’t know why, but…”

“I know what you mean” Henry agreed. “You’d think they’d be the same as ours but they’re not & they make shopping almost fun.” He laughed. “Yeah next time, we’ll do an outing. We’re only going to get some basics. Beer is a basic by the way.” He laughed.

“See you later, don’t know how long we’ll be. Couple of hours maybe?” Chris said as they turned to leave, themselves hand-in-hand.

~ - ~

“They’re lovely” Ashley said as they watched them climb in their car & drive away.

“Yeah, they are. They are the most unbelievably kind & generous people I’ve ever met.” He shrugged. “I know I am so lucky to have had them take me in. I know where I’d be without them.” 

They headed downstairs & out into the heat of the afternoon sun. There was a large table & chair set on the terrace over-looking the swimming pool & a built in gas grill. “I’m getting a drink of water, want one?” Ashley asked as he ducked back in to the villa.

“Please.” Jamie replied absently as he walked out of the shade of the villa. He had changed into a short sleeved white cotton shirt & one of the pairs of shorts he had brought with him. He felt vaguely self-conscious wearing so little as the white cotton shirt was very thin & slightly see-through. It was cool though & as he took a seat on the terrace wall, he slipped his feet out of the Birkenstocks to let his toes waggle in the breeze.

“Here.” Ash handed him a glass of water. “You look gorgeous by the way.” He said quietly, sitting down beside him. He watched Jamie blush, something he did every time he was given a compliment.

“Thanks.” He reached with his hand to lace it with Ashley’s & they sat quietly drinking their water as they gazed out over the valley.

“I’m glad you asked me to come.”

“Well, it would have been boring without you.” Jamie said, a small smile on his lips.

“Ha! Very funny.”

“Seriously?” Jamie said, keeping his gaze straight ahead. “I needed you to come.” He paused for a moment. Ashley had gotten to know those pauses, he knew Jamie hadn’t finished speaking & was going to say something serious or important. “I need you more & more Ash.” He paused again. “Will you wait for me? To be ready I mean?”

“You’re talking about sex again?” Ashley asked quietly.

“Yeah. I am.” Jamie said letting out a large sigh. “Sometimes I feel guilty.”

“What on earth about?”

“I know you’d like more from me.”

“J, we’ve been through this.”

“I know, but…” He turned to look at him. “I know you want me & sometimes, more & more often, I really want you in that way.”

“We do everything on your terms Beautiful, even if that means never. Ok?”

“Ok… But… Sometimes I think if…” He stopped.

“What J?”

“Sometimes I think I need a nudge, cos sometimes I want you so bad it hurts, but I’m scared Ash.”

“We can try things if you’d like.” He smiled. “You can have me anyway you want.”

“Anyway?”

“Yeah J…” He paused, choosing his words carefully. “I want you to want me, I want you to touch me, hold me, caress me, feel me… I’d like you to fuck me, I won’t lie to you” he watched Jamie’s eyes get wider. “What?” He asked gently.

“Ffffuck you?”

“Yes J. I like it. It feels good J, when done with care & consent.” He watched Jamie blush again & turn away to the view. “But, you don’t have to do any of those things if you don’t want to.”

“But you do.”

“Yes, I do, but…” He paused. “Jamie, look at me.” Reluctantly Jamie turned his face back to Ashley. “I have never lied to you. I want you. I think you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I love kissing you, holding you & yes, I’d like to do more. But” he said, emphasising the word, “I will never ever ever do anything you don’t want to do.” He paused, letting those words sink in. “If you’d like to explore me, touch me, hold me, if you’d like me to do the same, then we talk about it.” He held Jamie’s gaze, then grinned & broke the tension by saying “but if you ever feel like a grope, I won’t turn it down.” Jamie laughed.

“Ok.” He leaned in & kissed Ashley. “Shall we go for a walk?”

“Reckon we need to lock up?”

“Dunno.” Jamie shrugged. “Shall we shut the doors, leave a note for Chris & Henry & I dunno, take a key?”

“Yep, sounds good.” Ashley stood & took their glasses back into the house.

~ - ~

The villa was surrounded by fields, some of which had clearly denoted tracks in them. They kept the house in sight, but wandered out hand-in-hand to a clump of trees Ashley had spotted maybe half a mile or so from the villa slightly downhill. 

The sun was hot & Ashley was glad he’d changed into shorts & a t-shirt too. His trekking sandals that had traipsed around Spain a couple of years ago were still comfortable & his shades blocked out the bright Tuscan sunlight. 

The trees hid a small stream & the water was crystal clear. It wasn’t very deep & sitting on the bank, they took off their shoes & dipped their feet into the water that was remarkably cold considering the heat of the day & the lack of depth to it. Mountain water they mused.

Ashley pulled off his t-shirt & lay back on the grass, his feet still in the stream. “Join me?” He asked, nudging Jamie. Smiling shyly, he lay back next to him & felt Ashley reach for him & pull him closer. “This is idyllic.” Ashley said quietly, satisfaction in his voice.

“Mmmmm, it’s good.” Jamie agreed quietly, wafting his shirt as lying down he didn’t get so much of the breeze.

“Take it off?” Ashley suggested. He felt Jamie still. “There’s no one around J.” He said quietly, resting his hand on his chest. He felt Jamie tense, then after several minutes sit up & take off his shirt. He laid it aside then lay back on the grass. “Come closer.” Ashley whispered, reaching for him. They both shifted so that they lay skin on skin against each other, Jamie resting against Ashley’s chest & shoulder. Finally Ashley felt Jamie relax.

They must have dozed off, for when Jamie woke, he was wrapped almost entirely around Ashley & he had no recollection of having done so. He opened his eyes & let them flicker across Ash’s chest, to the smooth skin with a smattering of blonde hair & his pink nipples. An urge came over him. He wanted to touch & taste the skin that looked so smooth & so unlike his own, so he followed that feeling & slowly began to let his fingers feel their way across as he explored Ashley’s skin. 

Whilst they had slept in the same bed with each other, whilst they had kissed & held each other, it had been with clothes on, so this was a first for Jamie & he was nervous. He liked the feel of it though, loved the smell of Ashley’s sun soaked skin.

“You keep doing that & I’m gonna cum you know.” Ashley said in a very sleepy voice. Jamie’s hand stopped. “Nnnooo, please don’t stop.” He begged. There was a pause, then Jamie’s hands started to explore him again, stilling as Ashley let out a moan. “Sorry.” Ashley whispered. “It feels so good.”

“Want me to continue?” Jamie asked nervously.

“If you want to, yes, but… But I warn you, I’m close.” It was a long time since he’d had skin on skin contact & it was Jamie touching him, so keeping his arousal down was nigh on impossible.

Jamie noticed the tenting of Ashley’s shorts & paused. Did he want to do this? He thought back to his initial reaction on waking, thought back to the sight of Ashley’s skin & how it had turned him on. He leaned in & kissed Ashley’s chest & let his hand explore, even dipping below his waist, letting his hand brush against Ashley’s erection. He listened to Ashley’s breathing that had sped up & he moved up to find his mouth, his hand lingering on Ash’s stomach, feeling in soft circles, occasionally brushing his groin. 

Ashley opened his mouth to accept Jamie’s kiss & felt his tongue dip in & entwine with his sucking on it. The combination of Jamie’s lips & mouth on his bare skin was enough & he swallowed a groan as he came in his shorts. 

Lost in the intensity, he took several moments to come back to his body, only to feel Jamie’s lips on his neck, his chest, his nipples. God it was erotic. After so long without skin-on-skin contact, it was an intense orgasm & worth the unpleasant stickiness in his briefs.

“Wow that was intense.” Ashley said quietly once his breathing had returned to normal. He turned to look at Jamie, check he was ok & found him watching him intently. “You ok?”

“Yeah.” He smiled at Ashley.

“Need anything?” Ash asked, wondering whether he was hard too. A quick glance down confirmed that he was.

“You’re stunning you know.” Jamie declared quietly. “Your skin is so smooth, I couldn’t help but touch it…” He paused. “That was ok wasn’t it?”

“Yes J, it was more than ok.” He leaned up & kissed him. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Being brave.”

“Did it feel good?”

“Oh god yeah!” He smiled, post-orgasm lethargy slipping in. “Couldn’t you tell?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“My briefs are sticky now, that’s a sure sign it was good.” He said lying back & shutting his eyes.

“Is it?” Ashley flicked open his eyes & looked at him, hearing the question in his voice & wondering what he was thinking.

“Yes, beautiful, it is.” He paused. “I wanted it. It felt good… Would you like me to show you?” He asked hesitantly.

“I… I…”

“You don’t have to.” Jamie’s eyes flicked up to him & he saw the doubt there. But there was also desire & need too. “Do you trust me?”

“Yyyees.”

“Will you let me try?” Ashley asked quietly. “Any time you want me to stop, you just say. Would you like that?” There was a pause, then Jamie nodded. “Lie back beautiful, let me make you feel good the way you just did for me.” He kissed Jamie’s lips. “Remember I will go slowly & I will stop if you tell me to.” Jamie nodded again.

Ashley sat up & moved closer to Jamie. He could see the tension in his body & when he touched him, he could feel it. So he started with Jamie’s mouth, distracted him with kisses, deep passionate kisses that left them both breathless & he felt Jamie’s body slowly relaxing. His hands began to slowly stroke his skin, as he kissed Jamie’s jaw & slowly worked down his way down his neck, finding that point where the neck & shoulder met that always got Jamie. 

Gently he licked, sucked & kissed Jamie’s skin, letting his tongue trail along him. He felt Jamie shudder under his touch & he flicked his eyes upward to check that J was ok. He looked it. His eyes were shut & he was leaning back. Ashley traced scar lines down Jamie’s chest, clear now why he’d been reluctant to take off his shirt, but also knowing that it’d feel good. He reached his left nipple & he kissed it, then sucked it into his mouth. He heard Jamie moan & again he checked it was a good moan. 

Teasing the nipple until it was a hard nub, he moved on with his tongue to the other one & did the same. Jamie’s response was to arch his back into the touch. He tongued it harder, applying greater pressure & Jamie moaned again. Keeping his tongue & mouth working both nipples, he let his hand explore Jamie’s skin. Very gently he touched him, exploring his body, running his hand up & down the body he’d only ever felt through clothing. Whether it was working on Jamie or not, the touch was certainly arousing him & his cock was getting hard even though he’d only cum minutes before. He let his hand explore further south, brushing over Jamie’s groin & whilst he felt Jamie tense, he wasn’t told to stop. Jamie was also hard.

Touching Jamie’s cock more assertively, but briefly, he felt an immediate response. He didn’t keep his touch there though, but instead, moved his hands back up to Jamie’s chest. With one hand he played with his nipples, teasing them & with the other he stroked & touched Jamie’s skin whilst his mouth found Jamie’s & kissed him breathless.

He kept up the assault on Jamie’s senses, teasing & stimulating him, until he felt the hitch in Jamie’s breathing & heard him cry out in his kiss. He stroked him through it, his hand brushing lightly against Jamie’s twitching cock, whilst the other smoothed the skin on his chest & he kissed him, little kisses that grounded him & brought him back to him.

Finally, when Jamie’s breathing had calmed, Ashley stilled his hands, but kept them on him. “You ok?” He asked quietly.

“Mmmm… Yeah.” Jamie mumbled.

“Good.” Ashley kissed him, then lay down beside him, pulling his body into his. He ignored the ache in his groin. Watching Jamie cum had been mind-blowing, more satisfying than his own orgasm. And that had been  _ good _ , really  _ good _ .

They lay there once again wrapped in each other’s arms enjoying each other & the peace they both felt. Jamie was stunned that he’d enjoyed it the way he had & he knew it was because it was Ashley who’d done it. His body was tingling with the feeling & he felt alive, more alive than he’d ever felt. He also knew he’d done something for Ash, something that Ash had wanted & that he had wanted too. He smiled & relaxed.

Finally though after another short doze, they got up. “We should head back. They’ll probably be back by now.” Jamie said.

“Ok. Think I’m gonna have a quick wash the stream though.” Ashley said smiling. “Not sure I want to walk back with sticky briefs.” He grinned & stepped into the stream. Jamie watched as he turned away & scooped some water into his hands & dipped them into his shorts. “Ahhh! That’s cold.” He grumbled. Jamie laughed & as he moved, felt his briefs sticking to his groin. He winced & decided that Ash’s idea probably wasn’t a bad one. Following his lead, he too gave his cock & balls a quick wash in the stream, wincing at the cold water.

Stepping out back onto the bank, he picked up his shirt & debated whether to put it on. Noticing Ash was still t-shirt-less, he followed his lead, hoping Ash wouldn’t be put off by his scars. He had to see them sometime.

Feet dry, he stepped back in to his Birkenstocks & held out his hand for Ashley to take. Kissing him briefly on the lips, Ashley took his hand & they made their way back up to the villa.

~ - ~

“Come look at this Henry.” Chris said as she stood on the terrace.

“What?” Henry said, picking up his bottle of beer. They’d been back an hour or so & he’d shoved a few in the freezer to get them cold. “Oh. Oh.”

“Isn’t it lovely?” Chris said, wonder in her voice. “I didn’t think we’d ever see this when we first took him in. Look where he’s come from Hen.” Her eyes were watery when she turned to him.

“I know sweetie. He’s done good.” He wrapped his arm around her waist & pulled her close, kissing her forehead as they watched.

Jamie & Ashley were wandering along the field hand-in-hand & completely oblivious to everything else. Every-so-often they stopped & kissed each other as they laughed & bumped hips as they walked. They looked happy, not a look that Chris could often say she saw on Jamie. She reached for her camera & on full zoom when they stopped to kiss again, she snapped them.

~ - ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Please note, there will now be longer gaps between updates. Apologies, but work & life gets in the way. It will be updated, just may take a while... Sorry.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Finally an update! Jamie & Ash make progress and once again, Henry & Chris show their amazingness. Further note at the end.

The weather was hot & sunny, perfect for lazing around doing very little or even braving an excursion to one of the nearby tourist spots. Jamie & Ashley had been in to Castelnuovo di Garfagnana a few times & had braved the supermarket there too. They’d also been on a day trip to Lucca, walking the medieval city walls & climbing the famous torre Guinigi with its tree growing out the top of it & the torre delle Ore due to their amazing views of the city. Jamie loved the Piazza Anfiteatro & they had a leisurely lunch there, enjoying people watching.

Jamie felt so safe being with Ashley. He also realised it was partly because they were out of the country, away from eyes that might recognise him. Since that first time outside by the stream, there had been repeats, with Ashley even giving Jamie a hand job. Jamie had even showed Ashley more of his body, allowed him to see the scars on his back, his lower legs, his feet. He hadn’t been completely naked with him yet, but he didn’t see disgust in Ash’s eyes, more something else, something that he couldn’t quite place.

They kissed, held hands & were comfortable showing affection in front of Chris & Henry, when they were together. It was a blissful 10 days & Jamie was relieved he’d made the decision to risk a holiday, something that he’d been scared of. In some ways, it was almost too perfect.

They did a combined day trip to Florence, somewhere Chris had dreamed of going & spent the day wandering the streets, visiting the Palazzo Vechio, enjoying an ice-cream in the Piazza della Signoria in which the Palazzo Vecchio & Michelangelo’s statue of David sat (which Ashley sized up anatomically for realism), the Basilica di San Lorenzo & the market that stretched around it where Chris & Henry bought leather jackets, despite the heat. 

They also visited the Duomo of Santa Maria del Fiore & its attached bell tower with beautiful bronze doors plus crossed the Arno via the Ponte Vecchio ignoring the slight smell of sewage that infiltrated their senses. 

One disappointment was not being able to visit the Uffizi. The queue, as predicted was ridiculously long & there was no way they agreed they’d waste their day queuing when they could see more of the city. 

Chris was enraptured by the place, despite the crowds, the heat & the sewagey smell that seemed to permeate the air at times. For Jamie, though he loved it, he preferred the little hill-top towns like Barga that littered Tuscany.

~ - ~

With 3 days to go, Jamie & Ash packed a picnic & got into the car to go & visit a remote hillside fort up in the Apuan Alps national park, their ultimate location to get to Lago di Gramolazzo after visiting the submerged town in Lago di Vagli. It was beautiful as they climbed higher & higher in the mountains, their car inching its way round blind bends.

Having reached their destination via twisty roads, beautiful scenery & many stops, they had lunch at a secluded spot on Lago di Gramolazzo. The weather had caused the artificially created lake of Lago di Vagli to expose the submerged town & it had been a desolate sight, seeing the abandoned church’s bell tower sticking out of muddy water. They had chatted a lot, Ashley taking hundreds of photos with his camera, even persuading Jamie to be in some of them & they had walked hand-in-hand when they were alone. 

It had been a long day & they were on their way back to the villa when they spotted a fortress that stood out on craggy rock face. Navigating their way there, they stopped at the very deserted medieval hillside fort, which they had completely to themselves, no one else in sight for miles. Leaving the car, they climbed up the final hundred metres or so to the entrance & explored.

Jamie was tired & he found a spot that had a view of the valley they’d driven, the tiny car park & road & the lower parts of the fort. He sat down & waited for Ash to find him, confident he would. Despite it being early evening, the sun was still warm & he opened his shirt to let it heat his skin & shut his eyes. He was awoken a while later by the click of a camera & his lover smiling at him. “You look beautiful J.” Ashley said quietly, watching the pre-requisite blush flame his cheeks.

“Thanks.” He paused. “Join me?”

“Of course.” Ashley sat beside him, their shoulders touching as their legs dangled over the low wall. “It’s so beautiful here. Thank you for inviting me.”

“Wouldn’t have been the same without you.” Jamie smiled at him, lifting his shades so they sat on top of his head. “Thank you for coming.” He leaned in & kissed Ashley, a brief kiss lengthening & deepening as they both needed the comfort.

They broke apart & Ashley turned his body so he was leaning against Jamie’s, the sun’s evening rays warming them both. “Hungry?” Ash asked.

“Not especially.”

“Maybe we could stop at a restaurant on the way back somewhere.”

“Sounds good.”

“I’d like to take Chris & Henry out too, to say thank you.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I know… But I’d like to.” Ashley felt Jamie shrug. “Maybe in to Castelnuovo? What do you think?”

“I think they’d like it, but they don’t expect it.”

“They’re amazing.” Ashley said again, for maybe the thousandth time that holiday.

“They are.” Jamie was relaxed. The sun was still hot & he had the comfort of Ashley’s body against his. Speaking was almost an effort.

“I wish my parents were like them… As accepting as them.” Ashley said quietly. It was the tone of his voice that made Jamie pay attention.

“What do you mean?” He asked, conscious that whilst Ashley occasionally mentioned family, Jamie knew little about them.

“My parents… They’re…” He paused. “They only want to know about certain parts of my life.”

“Like what?” Jamie asked gently.

“They don’t approve of my being gay.” He felt Jamie shift underneath him & found himself being twisted so that Jamie could see his face.

“Tell me?” There was a long pause before Ashley spoke.

“They’re nice enough & I see them for a few days a year, usually at Christmas, but… They made it very clear to me when I was 16 & stupidly told them I was gay, that it was not acceptable in their house.” He paused again. “Mum ignores the fact I’m gay & used to try to set me up with neighbours’ & friends’ daughters.” He barked a bitter laugh. “It was embarrassing & I asked her to stop. That went down like a lead balloon.” He paused. “As for dad, well I clearly embarrass him, but he tries his best to ignore that & asks me about my work. He keeps it strictly business.” He sighed & reached up to touch Jamie’s face. “I have no more chance of taking you home to meet them than I have of hell freezing over.” He kissed Jamie. “And for that… Well, it makes me angry. And bitter if I’m honest.”

“I’m sorry.” Jamie said quietly, squeezing his hand. After a pause he asked “what about your brother & sister?”

“I don’t know if it’s been discussed if I’m honest.” He sighed again. “Hannah’s 4 years younger than me & has just finished university, maybe I should get in touch with her more, but… You know it works both ways.” He sighed again. “Jake’s 19 now. I remember mum telling me I could not tell him, he was ‘far too young to understand these things’ & ‘I wasn’t to influence him with these silly ideas’.” He air quoted his mum. He shrugged. “Hannah & Jake were closer together in age, so they got on better with each other than they did me… I was also, well, different, so I don’t know if they know & what they’d think about it if they did know… I’ve kind of been shut out of family life because I ‘won’t change my ways & be normal’.” He looked at Jamie. “It hurts, so I don’t talk about it much.” He smiled & touched Jamie’s face again, running his fingers down his cheek. “You understand that.”

“I do.” They sat in silence for a while, Jamie holding Ashley close against him again, running his hands across his chest in a comforting gesture. “You should have said something to me before.” He chided gently. 

“Sorry.”

“Now I know why you said that time in the café, after New Year about baggage.” He paused. “It makes sense to me now.” He stroked Ashley’s hair which had turned more blonde in the constant sun of the past 8 days. “You should talk to your brother & sister, let them know. At least that way you’d know where you stood. You can deal with it then. It’s the not knowing where you stand & the changing rules that gets you.”

“Maybe.” Ashley replied quietly. Taking his cue, Jamie realised the subject was closed for the moment, maybe they could discuss it again at some point in the future as it clearly hurt him. He ran his fingers through Ash’s hair & tugged on it lightly. “Oi, that hurt.” Ashley said, a laugh in his voice.

“Sorry.”

“You don’t sound particularly sorry.” Jamie smiled at him & shrugged, pushing to his feet & walking away from him, turning back to grin. 

Ashley felt a sudden surge of arousal as he watched Jamie walk away from him grinning. He had no idea what was going through Jamie’s head, but that grin had gone straight to his cock. They were alone in this secluded place too. Jumping up, he ran to catch up with Jamie & as he reached him he tackled him to the ground kissing him. “You up for trying something new?” He asked.

“Whhhat?” Jamie asked, a tremor in his voice.

“Trust me?”

“Yyyeah.”

“Let me make you feel good beautiful.” Ashley saw Jamie’s pupils dilate & the blue shine more intensely. He nodded. “Lie back.” He watched Jamie fall back onto the grass & he crawled up his body to kiss him. He felt Jamie’s mouth open to let him in, allow him to control the kiss & he did, thrusting his tongue in again & again, leaving them both breathless. His fingers had pushed Jamie’s shirt off his shoulders & then had opened the fly on his shorts. He felt Jamie tense as his hands explored his cock through his briefs, so he whispered to him between kisses “trust me? Remember if you want me to stop, I will.” 

He kissed Jamie senseless again, causing him to moan & arch his back as he took his mouth & lips lower, teasing his nipples. Meanwhile his hand had pulled down Jamie’s briefs & he felt Jamie’s cock again, not having had many opportunities to. His mouth watered at the thought of tasting him & his own cock hardened in his briefs.

Jamie couldn’t help but moan at what Ashley was doing to him. He could feel Jamie’s hands on him, touching him in places he hadn’t been touched in years & his cock hardened. There was fear there, but it was Ash. Ash would never hurt him, he knew that. He trusted him.

He felt Ashley’s mouth tease his nipples & moans escaped before he could control them, then he gasped as that mouth wrapped itself round his cock. He froze. No one had ever done this to him before. He’d done it. So many times &… He began to panic, his hands grasping at the ground next to him.

“Hey J, it’s me. It’s ok.” A hand was on his face. “I’m sorry, I should have warned you. You ok?” Ashley kissed him gently on the mouth.

“Yeah” he whispered. “I’m ok.”

“Do you want me to stop?” Ashley asked quietly. 

Did he? Jamie didn’t know. He opened his eyes & looked for Ashley. Finding his face he reached up & traced his lips. “I… I…” He stopped, shut his eyes again briefly & tried again. “Do you…” He frowned.

“Are you asking me if I want to suck you?” Jamie’s face flamed. He nodded. “Oh god yes J. I’d be honoured to.” He reached down & kissed him again. “Trust me? I’ll make you feel good & I promise, I want this too.” He ran the back of his fingers down Jamie’s cheek. “Do you believe me?” He showed Jamie how hard he was too. Jamie nodded. “Can I?” He asked quietly. Jamie nodded again after a slight hesitation. “Relax beautiful. Put you hand in my hair, & if you want me to stop, pull me off, ok?” Jamie nodded.

Jamie lay back again, his hand placed in Ashley’s hair & he felt tender kisses placed around his groin before he felt the warm wet heat of Ashley’s mouth suck him in. He shuddered. It was an odd feeling, but it felt so good. His hand gripped Ash’s hair more tightly as Ash bobbed up & down on him & he fought the tingle he felt in the base of his spine, that coursed through his body. He didn’t want to come yet. 

Feeling he was close, Ashley let Jamie’s cock slip from his mouth & he ran his tongue up & down the hard length. He was enjoying this, enjoying having Jamie in his mouth & with one hand, he reached down to relieve the pressure in his own shorts by undoing the fly & letting his own cock out. He tugged on it as he sucked one of Jamie’s balls into his mouth, then the other, before letting his tongue trail back up to the head of J’s cock. He dipped his tongue in the slit tasting the pre-cum that was oozing from the tip. He grinned to himself at the sounds Jamie was making & then sucked Jamie back into his mouth, deep throating him. He hummed around the hardness in his mouth, knowing how good the vibrations felt. 

Jamie whimpered as Ashley sucked him & the grip in Ashley’s hair was forceful. “Please.” He whispered, begging for release. Ashley raised his eyes & found Jamie’s & he took him back in again, all the way to the base & swallowed, knowing the tightening that caused would bring him off. He felt a tug in his hair & saw the warning that Jamie was trying to give. Checking he was still ok to continue, he ignored Jamie’s concerns about cumming in his mouth & continued to suck & swallow, finally feeling Jamie pulse in his mouth as he came, flooding him with his taste. He gave his own cock a few sharp pulls & came too, his release covering his hand.

Jamie lay back wiped out. Ashley was right, it had felt good. He felt Ashley’s hands on him, felt him come & lie next to him & he turned to look at him. “You ok?” Ash asked quietly.

“Yeah, I am.” He smiled slowly. “Thank you for your patience.” He leaned in & kissed him, but pulled back surprised at the taste in Ashley’s mouth.

“What’s wrong?” Ashley asked, surprised at Jamie pulling away.

“I cccan tttaaste…”

“Oh… Oh J, I’m sorry.”

“Nnnno, it’s mmmee. I sssshould have thought.” He didn’t move away, but ran his fingers over Ash’s lips. He was clearly thinking & Ash watched him carefully, running his hands along his arms, reassuring him.

“What you thinking J?” He asked. Jamie flicked his eyes back to him, then leaned in & kissed him, his tongue seeking entry against Ash’s lips. Ashley opened up & let him control the kiss, let him decide where the kiss went, how deep it became.

They lay there on the grass, kissing & touching as the evening set in, fully visible if anyone were to come along & see them. But they didn’t think of that, too engrossed in each other.

Breaking apart finally, Jamie rolled onto his back & stared up in to the pinking sky. He took Ash’s hand & pulled himself close into his body, his legs entwined with Ashley’s. He had done things on holiday he had never thought possible. He had let Ash see his body, now nearly all of it & he’d had sex. He couldn’t quite believe any of it, but he knew it was down to Ash.

“C’mon, we should make a move.” Ashley said sitting up & righting his clothes, putting his t-shirt back on, tucking his cock & balls back in his briefs & doing up his shorts. He wiped his hand again on the grass & gave his other hand to Jamie, to help him to his feet.

Jamie stood too & sorted his clothes, buttoning his shirt & it was only then that he looked around him to check they were alone. Relieved that there wasn’t anyone in sight, he took Ashley’s hand as they headed back to the car, only to find another car parked next to it. “Shit” Jamie muttered as they sped up. “Didn’t hear or see anyone, did you?”

“No, but let’s not take any chances eh?” Ashley replied, half smiling.

They climbed in the car & were reversing out of the space when the couple appeared from the direction of the fortress. A couple in their 50s probably, maybe Italian or Spanish, they winked & waved at them as they drove off. 

“Oh. My. God.” Ashley said as he then burst into laughter. “They must have seen  _ everything _ !” He turned to Jamie who was pale on the seat beside him. “It’s ok you know.” He rested his right hand on his thigh. “Stop worrying.”

“I’m alright.” Jamie replied, his voice tight.

They drove back down the valley & finally stopped at a pizza restaurant in Camporgiano. By the end of the meal, Jamie had stopped looking around for the couple, but he didn’t completely relax until they were back at the villa.

~ - ~

Jamie was stood by the balcony, in his briefs & a vest top. The lights were off & he was watching the countryside, listening to its sounds. Ashley was still asleep in bed & he’d woken to another nightmare. It wasn’t a particularly bad one, but he hadn’t had one in a while.

Pulling on his robe, he padded downstairs to get himself a drink of water & then, feeling wide awake & not wanting to wake Ashley, he stepped out on to the terrace. The stones were still warm under foot from the heat of the sun during the day & taking a seat, he tucked his legs under him & sipped at the water.

He’d always liked warm nights when he’d been homeless. They felt safer somehow; the darkness not as menacing as when it came with a bite of cold to it. He thought back to the park he’d sort of lived in, the bench he’d slept on & he wondered again how he’d gone from that to staying in a luxury villa in Tuscany.

“Penny for them.” Henry said as he sat beside him.

“What are you doing up?” Jamie asked, hiding the surprise in his voice.

“Could ask you the same thing.”

“Hmmm. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither, though I don’t suppose it was for the same reason.” Jamie quirked an eyebrow at him. “Too hot & Chris is snoring. Too much red wine again.” Jamie barked a laugh.

“No. Not the same reason.”

“You have fun today? Didn’t hear you get back.”

“We weren’t that late, just before midnight I think.”

“Good?”

“Yeah, it was… It’s been…” he paused. “Incredible actually.”

“I’m glad.”

“Thank you Henry.”

“For what?”

“This,” Jamie waved his hands. “Everything.”

“No need to say thanks.”

“There is…”

“No Jamie, there isn’t.” Henry said quietly, but firmly. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“I was just thinking about the last time I was out on a night as warm as this.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, when I was in the park… Homeless.” He paused. “Come a long way in 4 years.”

“Yes, you have.” There was a pause. “Is that why you’re up?”

“Nnno… Yyyess… Sort of.” He paused. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Why?” Jamie looked up at him, clearly debating something.

“Had a nightmare… Didn’t want to wake Ash.”

“Want to tell me about it?” There was a lengthy pause again before Jamie answered.

“It wasn’t a bad one, but… I think I know what caused it.”

“Can you tell me?”

“Do you want to hear?” Henry nodded. “It involves Ash.”

“I kind of figured as much.”

“I had sex with him today” he blurted out. “And I think we were seen.” In the darkness he could just make out a smile on Henry’s lips. “You’re smiling!”

“I’m not laughing at you Jamie, I’m… I’m just, well pleased for you, that’s all. Pleased you know… you’re having sex.” He laughed quietly. “Locals or tourists & where were you?”

“Henry! Dunno, some medieval hill fort.” Henry sniggered. “Henry it’s not funny.”

“It kind of is.” Henry smiled & looked at Jamie, his face suddenly serious. “Why the nightmare? The sex itself or being watched?”

“Dunno. First time we, y’know…” he blushed.

“You alright Jamie, he didn’t you know, hurt you.”

“No Henry, he’d never hurt me & it wasn’t you know…” he blushed again. “It was just a blow job.”

“You’ve not done that before with each other then?” Henry asked, his voice serious & sitting forward to watch him.

“No… Do you mind talking about this?”

“No Jamie, as long as you’re ok with it.” Jamie nodded at him.

“I’ve talked to Josh about it, but we’ve been very slow, kissing holding, stuff like that, but this week, we’ve kind of… you know, done more.”

“And it’s been good?”

“Yeah, it has…”

“But?”

“It’s brought back memories, not so good ones hence me out here” he stopped. “And… And I finally understand what those men wanted from me Henry…” He looked up at him, the pain of that realisation clear in his eyes, even in the dark. “I… I… I can understand why they paid me for it… took it from me.” He shuddered. “It felt good Henry.” His voice broke. “Does that make me bad Henry?”

“Oh Jamie” Henry stood & sat in the chair next to him. “No Jamie, it doesn’t.” He paused, choosing his words with care. “We’re male Jamie. A mouth on your cock feels good. There’s no shame in that. Look at me Jamie.” Reluctantly Jamie raised his head & looked at him. “You’re finding your sexuality, your desire with someone who clearly adores you. Enjoy it Jamie, but keep talking to him about how you’re feeling.” He paused again. “For what it’s worth, I’m really proud of you. Proud of you for taking that step. It’s going to be hard, I know that, but you deserve to enjoy sex too. Try not to let you past spoil your future with a lovely young man who I think loves you.” Jamie opened his eyes in shock.

“Loves me?”

“Yeah, I could be reading him wrong, but he adores you Jamie…” He paused. “The way he looks at you, you’re a lucky man.” He smiled at him. “Can I hug you?” Jamie nodded. “Come here.” They stood & Henry wrapped his arms round him, kissing the top of his head. “I’m so proud of you Jamie.” Henry held him close for several minutes. “Ok?” He asked quietly. “Think you can maybe sleep now?” 

“Yeah, I’ll try anyway.”

“Good boy.” Henry said ruffling his hair.

“Cheers dad.” Jamie said grinning as he stepped away. “What about you?” 

“I’ll prod her till she turns over!” They laughed, picked up their glasses & headed back in to the house, Henry unbelievably touched by Jamie calling him dad, even if it were in gest.

~ - ~

“Where’ve you been?”

“Couldn’t sleep, was out on the terrace. It’s still so warm.”

“You ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine…” Jamie paused. “Had a chat with Henry.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah… He was really… sweet.”

“What you talk about?” There was a pause before Jamie answered, as he took off his robe & pulled his vest over his head & climbed back into bed. He sat crossed leg, his left leg always slightly stiff & in an awkward position.

“Sex. You.”

“You talked about us?” Ashley said fully awake now & sitting up slightly & turning on a bedside light.

“Yeah… I had a nightmare.” Jamie replied after another pause. “It wa… What we did earlier at the fortress, iiiitt brought it on I think.” He shrugged. “But… I talked with Henry &… Well he told me a few things.”

“Yeah?”

“He told me he didn’t know a bloke out there that would turn down a mouth on their cock… Well, he didn’t use those exact words, but…” He frowned. “I get it now…”

“What?”

“Why men paid me to do it.”

“J” Ashley said gently.

“No, llllett mmmmee finish Ash.” He reached out for Ashley’s hand. “After this time together, after all the things we’ve done together, I… I realise what desire’s about, why people want sex, why those men wanted sex with me.” He frowned. “I don’t understand why they took it from me, but…” He gave one of his shrugs, his entire body moving. Then he looked up. “I want you Ashley. I can’t say I’ve ever thought that about anyone else, but I do.” He looked at him. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything J, you know that.”

“How do you feel about me? I… I… I mean, where do you see us going?” Ashley sat back, pushing a pillow against the headboard.

“Erm… Wasn’t expecting that question.”

“Sorry… You don’t have to answer.”

“It’s fine J. I’ve told you, you can ask me anything.” He paused, letting the enormity of the question sink in. He licked his lips & chose his words carefully. “I fell for you months ago J.” He turned his bright blue eyes on Jamie. “First time I saw you in Waterstones I thought you were the most beautiful guy I’d ever seen…” He paused, holding up his hand. “I’ve not finished J” he smiled. “Then I got to know you, forced you to be my friend…” He smiled. “I watched you in the shop, god I sound like a stalker.” Jamie huffed a laugh. “But I wanted to know this beautiful shy man who I could see struggled sometimes to do certain things… Then there was the time with that customer & I was intrigued. Sorry.” He said smiling guiltily. “Then, well we became friends & I couldn’t help but fall for you.” He paused. “Remember the night we first kissed?” Jamie nodded, “Andy told me I should say something to you… He saw the way…” He stopped. “I think I love you Jamie. Think I have for a while now… And if you’ll have me, I want to stick around for the long term.”

“You love me?”

“Yes.” Ashley watched the enormity of his words sink in.

“Love me?” He cocked his head to one side. “Why? How?” It wasn’t quite the response Ashley had wanted upon declaring his love to someone, but he guessed he understood.

“Come here.” He whispered. Jamie moved to lie beside him, his head resting on Ash’s shoulder, head tucked under his chin. “Does it matter? I’ve found in you something that I love, want, desire... You’re my best friend J. When something happens, you’re the one I want to tell. You’re the first thing I think of the morning & the last thing at night.” He kissed him on the temple & tipped his head up so they could see each other’s faces. “I know there’s stuff we still don’t know about each other, things we haven’t shared, but… I want to do that, get to know each other & be in this for the long run.”

“I… I…”

“J, you know how I feel… Let’s see where we go from here, ok? Just… Next time you have a nightmare, or there’s something on your mind, talk to me J. I’m here for you, just like Henry & Chris, but… different from them in so many ways!” He waggled his eyebrows at him & Jamie huffed a laugh.

“I’ll try Ash. Promise.” He kissed him, silently seeking reassurance as he moved his body on top of Ashley’s. Their kiss deepened, exploring each other’s mouths & lips, taking their time.

“No shirt I see.” Ashley said quietly when they broke apart. “I like it.” He kissed him again.

“Yeah, well, those things we need to share… You need to see me, scars & all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: There is one more chapter that is partially written, but am really struggling with writer's block. Kinda know where I want this story to go, but the words aren't flowing to allow me to get there. Will keep trying, but there'll be even longer gaps between updates as until this block decides to bog off, not going to be able to write they way I want to, which quite frankly is bugging me!


End file.
